Am I horrid?

[GirlGirls]

My partner has 3 teenage children, and we have a 2 year old together. The kids are great, everything is amicable and they are besotted with their little brother.

I often still find things tough though, for various reasons. In particular though, his children are very messy and never tidy up after themselves. I’ve spoken to my partner as it’s me who has to tidy (stay at home mum), and he tells me not to. But how can I live in mess? I feel frustrated as with my son being so little, a lot of things are dangerous.

I told my partner that going forward if the baby breaks something they left out, they can learn the hard way, and I’ll throw away things that are dangerous. I’ve not followed through with the threat though.

Various things annoyed me this morning, and having walked in to the lounge I threw away some small play coins that were left out - I’ve had enough, my son could have swallowed one. Now I’ve got major guilt.

Should I confess? Am I a horrid step mum? Should I just accept that I have to check every room before I put my son in there to play?

I used to just sweep all extraneous toys and gubbins back to the room they came from. Maybe have a box per older child and just put anything that's out of place in there. Actually putting it away isn't your problem then.
I had one DSS who was very sociable and rarely spent time in his room, yet managed to be tidy and considerate and one DSD who sprinkled every room in the house with bits and pieces!
The older kids lived with us half the time and maybe once a month we'd prod them to clean and tidy their rooms. Then it would begin again 😁

I feel I should add, the coins were a recent birthday present and played with a lot.

between this, magnetic earrings, scissors, small Pom Pom for crafts, there is always something left out that I see as a hazard. I feel so angry and frustrated no one listens to me!

I don't think it's reasonable to expect teenagers to anticipate what is dangerous for a small child. It would be lovely, but really, it isn't going to happen, is it? Even adults who haven't had children won't be thinking in those terms either. You're Mum, so ultimately you protect DC.

However.... It is up to Dad to start their education on this. It is up to Dad to encourage them to put stuff away and not make you out to be a nag. It's a long job though, so you will always need to be checking.

Chucking stuff? Hmm. Emotive territory that. Black bag it, loft it for a while perhaps.

I think mess is thoughtless rather than malicious.

I think the nature of having children with big age gaps means that you do have to check every room before you put a baby or toddler down to play, even if they were tidy teens.

I was in the same boat so yes, I am a mean one what I did was gave a warning that if it wasn’t tidied up and away that I would put it in a bin bag and in the bin.

Or if they left it out and the toddler then broke it they could not moan because they left it out.

So the bin bag came out everything was put in. I then took the bin bag outside and put it in the shed came back and told her I’d put it in the bin. This happened every other weekend for about six weeks and just like magic. Nothing was left out so the toys slowly came back

What annoyed me was she didn’t even notice the toys that had come back, so we ended up doing a toy sort through

Thanks for all your replies. I think I will need to learn to take a chill pill. I feel better just for moaning about it on here!

Similar situation. I think it's fair enough if you've warned them. I pick everything up and dump it in their rooms in their beds.

This drives me a bit crazy in our house; I do recall after finding a plugged in phone charger left on at the mains for the millionth time losing my cool massively.
Generally though i accept that teens are not good at remembering these things so I will ask them to tidy things up but I also just sweep things up to their rooms quite often

Teenagers? Play coins?

You're looking out for your number one understandably, but you're fighting a losing battle with teens. They don't see it. Just do a room sweep before you put the little one down.

I don't think it is unreasonable for teens to pick up after themselves. They will need reminding from time to time but they should be doing when you ask them, especially with a young child around.

How can teens learn to be considerate adults if there are no expectations on them to consider others when they are teens?

You sound too nice. Don't feel bad about binning the things today.

DH needs to educate his children to not leave a trail of mess in the shared rooms (or ideally anywhere). I'd keep a broom/dustpan handy and just bung everything in a box/bag and leave it in a bedroom.

Tell your stepchildren that anything left out and not put away will be thrown in the bin. You are not their skivvy and they are well old enough to pick up after themselves.

Teenagers are definitely old enough to pick up things that might be dangerous to someone else. Can you set a clean up 10 mins for 8 pm every evening and everyone walks through the shared rooms and looks for their stuff to put away, or each person takes a room etc. You and DH also take part and put on some music that lasts for exactly 10 mins, then afterwards all grab a snack/treat..it makes it a fun family event rather than a chore. Theymay well decide to just keep the small stuff to their bedrooms where the toddler should not be allowed to go. Do they all have a desk in their bedrooms so that can do crafts etc in a safe place?

Having said that, there is likely to be things that are missed by accident, so you always have to keep half an eye on a toddler.

Sweep it all into one carrier bag and leave on a bed

Good idea @SeaToSki

I think it’s fine to put it back in their rooms or whatever I don’t think you should throw out their birthday presents, you’re setting yourself up for a war you won’t win.

Sorry I reread, are you now considering lying and not admitting you threw their birthday toys out?

Those aren't teenage items

Bin bag and scoop all their stuff in it. If they even notice it's missing they can ask for it back.

What teenagers are playing with pom pom and magic coins

I agree with others on here. If they’ve had a warning, bin bag and scoop the lot up.

YANBU for feeling this way.

Kids are messy, lazy, and a lot more besides

pick your battles wisely

get a tub and dump everything in there (better still get your toddler to) and give the tub to your dp or one of the kids to tidy away, they could take turns etc

OP I also wanted to add that sometimes my anxiety/irritation about other aspects of being a step parent gets displaced to being overly irritated about things like this. That might not be what’s going on for you but thought I’d mention it.