You'd do it if it were for OUR child

[PicklePie11]

My husband likes to use this emotional blackmail on me a lot and I've had enough.

If I do anything positive for our child together, anything fun, anything where he thinks 'id quite like someone to do that for my children too', if I don't jump at the idea of doing it for DSC too I get 'You'd do it for OUR child'.

I'm going to flip my lid if I hear it one more time. YES I DO SOME THINGS DIFFERENT FOR OUR CHILD BECAUSE THEY ARE MY FUCKING CHILD.

What is the father doing during his contact time if his wife is taking his children shopping?

Or is he a man so he’s entitled to a leisurely weekend. Children are women’s work?

You haven't had many interactions with @MrsTerryPratchett have you? 😂

Tell the lazy fuck to sort something out then. What does he do?

You haven't had many interactions with @MrsTerryPratchett have you? 😂

I can be a terrible arsehole.

😂But not a misogynist!

Treat them like your own?
Ok.
So you are supposed to discipline them and give consequences such as grounding them or removing toys?
Be part of choosing their school? Be involved in communicating with the school?
Be part of making medical decisions?
Good to know. Clears that right up 👍 stepmums take note.

Well true @Thedaysthatremain

Don't disagree.

Sometimes all together, sometimes not.

But the comparison I objected to wasn't the right analogy

I was responding to someone responding to @MrsTerryPratchett really.

The OP's child doesn't live in the stepkid's house.

The stepkids also live with the OP and their step-sibling.

So it's not quite the same...

It doesn’t alter the fact that both women are only mum to their own children. OP is entitled to take her own child out for a new pair of shoes without thinking about dsc in the same way dsc’s mum is entitled to take dsc without thinking about OP’s dc.

This is my view, and I’m surprised that it’s so uncommon in the thread.

One of the other things that comes up on this board a lot is the need for NRPs to have quality time alone with their children, as they don’t live with them and see them every day.

But some men are so keen for their new partners/wives to take the DSC out with them, or always be around so they have a hand with the parenting. It’s not just about ‘missing out’, it can also be about the father opting out!

Did you not read to the end of her post in your rush to froth?

The bit with the women rushing to go along with it all??

@caz198917 and @comfyshoes2022 - could you explain how this looks with your own stepchildren?

Genuine question. Does it include the things listed above by PP such as having a say in upbringing, school, behaviours etc, as well as nurture and affection?

Some people just want it all ways.

They want NRPs to have plenty of alone time with their older children. And it’s very heavily emphasised on here that the older children need lots of time with their dad.

BUT, just not on the days when the stepmum is off out doing something herself. The dsc should go with her, and all of a sudden that super duper important time with their father isn’t quite so important on that particular day.

Also, the only time the quality time counts is when the stepmum and her child are at home, and a big song and dance can be made about how the father and his older child are spending the day together somewhere. Doesn’t quite have the same smug ring to it does it when the stepmum is off out somewhere with her child, does it?

@funinthesun19
I had shades of this recently when DH and DSD had a Day out together and I arranged for my parents to take the baby for a few hours so I could do something fun with DS1 just us two.
I detected distinct discontent as it happened to have been something that DSD would have enjoyed too. Oh well. I'm not sitting at home with my two while DH gets his special time with his eldest. Way to breed resentment.
I did say maybe we can all go together next time as I do think DSD will enjoy it but not apologising for not including her this time.

I get this. I made a Photobook for my dc of all my favourite pics, took me hours and is a massive effort. DH had a gob on because steps havent got one. Same thing with memory box and newborn photo shoot. There are two parents that can do it. If they haven’t been arsed how’s that the stepparent’s problem

The thing is as stepmothers some of us have the child's mum's in the background growling at us if we overstep and act too 'motherly' with their child.

So what do we do? Step back and enjoy being allowed to do things with our own child - only then to be criticised by someone else who has no idea about the dynamics of the family for not including stepchild!! Seriously - who'd be a stepmum. You're always in the bloody wrong, trying to be a peacemaker and criticised whatever you do.

*mums

@Yousee So he was out for the day with his DD and was upset because you did something nice with DS?!

I'd simply agree with him. 'Yes dear, I would do it for my child, because he/she IS my child, I suggest you do it for your child'

Next time he says 'You'd do it for OUR child', point out that he wouldn’t/doesn’t do it for his own children, let alone anyone else’s, so it’s about time he stepped up and did these things for HIS own children, all of them, before lecturing you.

Doesn't work in reality unless their other parent is dead or absent.