You'd do it if it were for OUR child

[PicklePie11]

My husband likes to use this emotional blackmail on me a lot and I've had enough.

If I do anything positive for our child together, anything fun, anything where he thinks 'id quite like someone to do that for my children too', if I don't jump at the idea of doing it for DSC too I get 'You'd do it for OUR child'.

I'm going to flip my lid if I hear it one more time. YES I DO SOME THINGS DIFFERENT FOR OUR CHILD BECAUSE THEY ARE MY FUCKING CHILD.

Don’t wait for him to say it again and flip your lid. Tell him calmly now you won’t listen to it again.

He needs to take the initiative on arranging fun things his child will enjoy. He doesn’t have to if you do it and then his child misses out. Surely he knows his child better than you do.

I agree with the poster above. He needs to be the one to arrange for his child. But the time to have the chat isn’t when emotions are high and you’ve flipped. Good luck.

He should arrange it then! He's right he should be doing things for both his children - and its genuinely great he wants to treat both his children the same and not favour one (as so often happens). But he's very wrong where he needs YOU to do that.

I do understand that he may feel like that, if there's only a certain amount of treats (time and/or money it is hard to only take the resident children if you have others. With bigger age gaps it's a bit easier as the activity will be different but surely if you want to do xxx it would be better if you asked him if it's something your step kids would enjoy or should you do it with just shared dc (I'm assuming they have a set schedule) you organising things when they are not there seems equally bad

Tell him yes you'd do it it for your child, and if he wants to do it for his children then you will fully support him in doing so. He sounds like an arsehole.

So you have one DC and more than one DSC?
There is quite a lot of difference in cost and logistics in taking out 3 children instead of one. It would be nice to do it as a family ( including DH) when it would be something they all enjoy.
Unless the DSC never do anything with their Mum they will also be getting to do things which don’t include your DC.
What is stopping DH arranging things with his DC?
It sounds like he expects you to be a better parent to his children than him.

Honestly, I’d just respond with: it’s not our child though. Your child has a mother. Please stop trying to control our child’s relationship with his/her mother.

Can you please give more examples of the kind of things you're doing?

Unless it's being rubbed in the face of DSC, I agree it's for their father to plan nice things for them, not you.

This. I'd just be blunt, he needs to realise that this isn't the insult he thinks it is. It is normal for people to do things for their own kids they wouldn't do for others. He needs to accept that, this is the choice he made when he got together with you.

Don’t you ever respond with anything like ‘well why can’t you, they’re your children’?

When I saw the title of the thread I thought ‘Oh no, he didn’t say that, did he?’ But it’s not even a one-off, it’s a theme. No wonder you’re fed up.

What’s the age difference between the children and what sort of things is he kicking off about?

What does he dofor his children? Does he treat them all the same, all the time?

“Yes, I am one of [your child’s name]’s parents, so I’d probably make the effort to do it for them. I am not one of [step child’s name]’s parents so it’s down to their parents to do the parenting. Why do you seem continuously surprised you and your ex are expected to do all the parenting for your joint child and as I’m not one of DSCs parents, that’s not my responsibility?”

really spell it out.

id quite like someone to do that for my children too

Why can't that someone be one their fucking parents?

yabu, if you get into a relationship with someone with a child you should also be aware prepared to take that child on as your own

nope.

YABU if you want both your children to have the same experience then YOU need to sort that out, it another adult.

The father here is the one in the wrong. Stop making excuses for his shit parenting.

Ah. Some of the usual bullshit bingo.

The SC have two parents. It’s no a stepmother’s job to compensate them for their parents not doing things. Nor is it fair to expect a stepmother to curtail her relationship with her own children because her husband/partner has other children.

As always, you must ‘take them on as your own’ only where it means they get more treats. It never applies where there are cutbacks to be made. Or consequences for actions. Or important decisions to be made.

They are never ‘our children’ because their parents can (and will) pull rank and do whatever they like at any point that suits them. The answer to ‘what would you do if it were our child’ is commonly ‘everything differently, but that’s not my call, is it?’.

It's actually laughable,.. you are all obviously in relationships with stepchildren you dislike, why would you not want to plan something nice to do with them?

Yep agree with this. Even if I couldn’t stand my DH after we have kids I’d stay with him to avoid this crappy blended family situation. I feel bad for his kids.

I feel bad for his kids that they have a useless father who expects their stepmother to be responsible for what he should be doing.

Thanks for your insight 👍

I feel bad for the kids who aren’t allowed to do things with their mother because it’s not always centred around their half siblings, whose father can’t be arsed to organise anything for any of his children.

They are all his kids so let him organise to do activities for them all. Tell him you are busy so don't have enough time. You will see them all later.

Their ACTUAL parent must not like them very much either, because clearly he isn't planning these things.

What's depressingly common is that men get together with another woman after divorce so that he won't have to do the heavy lifting. Often at the expense of the mum, because he can do 50/50 because he's got another woman to do his childcare. He then gets her pregnant so she won't be able to leave easily and moans that he actually has to do some parenting.

Not assisted by so many women auditioning as a domestic appliance while dating. Which they can no longer do when they have their own child because it's a lot of work.