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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I really dont like DSS

29 replies

fridaygh · 30/12/2022 15:43

I will probably get obliterated for this, but I just really dont like dss.

He's 14, rude & disrespectful, lies, is dirty, doesnt wash or brush his teeth (or hands after the loo)

I literally go round with dettol spray on handles & anything he may have touched.

I just hate when he comes over.

Me & dh are happy and i obviously dont want to and will not end things because of this, but it is quite bad. We also have a dd which means dss is linked to her and i HATE that.

Anyone else been in this situation?

My plan is ride it out for a few more years then he will be older & less dirty hopefully less rude.

Another issue is dh wants to buy a 3 bed so he will have his own room again like before dd. We cant really afford it but prob could in a couple years, im honestly just avoiding that i case he asks to move in!

OP posts:
thestepmumspacepodcast · 30/12/2022 15:55

Ok, so.....

Firstly, It is ok not to like your stepchild. (Dr Maryhan gave me that one and I know lots of stepmums need to hear it!)

Secondly the hygiene thing is grim. Can DH take that conversation on and follow it through?

How long have you been in his life? Hopefully it's just a teenage phase. 🙏

It does sound like it's having quite a big effect on you though, hating him coming over is different from not really liking him. How often is he with you?

sending 💐 and or 🍷

thestepmumspacepodcast · 30/12/2022 15:56

With the rudeness and lies... does DH actually parent him?

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 30/12/2022 15:58

Why isn't his df parenting him then? Dc need prompting to be hygienic ime!
Luckily when my ds's 12 + 14 moved here full time my dh was very supportive.. Might have been different if they had been feral!

Stade197 · 30/12/2022 16:08

Have you spoke to DH about this? As his parent it's his job to make sure his child is behaving & clean

I'd honestly tell him that if he is wanting to move to a bigger house so DSS can have his own space and stay more that DSS need to have better respect & hygiene, don't just 'put up with it' hoping he will grow out of it just incase he doesn't

Reugny · 30/12/2022 16:38

As PP indicated the big part of your problem is your DH.

He needs to parent his child and insist on minimum hygiene standards. They are the same sex so he should be one of his son's role models. The boy is going to need to learn things like how to shave so who is he going to learn it from if not his father? He also needs to learn adults particularly women are around to be his servants.

There is a thread on here currently about what happens when parents don't put boundaries in with their children. The step mother finally has enough and bans the child from the house. (There have been other similar threads in the past including from a step-son questioning his step-mothers boundaries.) That will be you in a few years because you don't want this dirty smelly young adult slob in your home.

mumof3now2 · 30/12/2022 16:48

As a mum of 2 teenage lads, I can confirm they come through the hygiene thing... mine now shower daily, when a couple of years ago once a week would be a battle

TheYummyPatler · 30/12/2022 17:05

Thing is, your own stinky, argumentative, irritating teenager is hard enough to deal with - and that’s with the hefty cushion of maternal love.

It’s a pretty big ask to expect someone else to like them.

They do come through it. But it does require parenting effort (from their parents!). There is potentially a more palatable future ahead, if your DH puts in the effort!

lunar1 · 30/12/2022 17:16

Doesn't it give you the ick with your husband? I don't think I could go anywhere near mine if he thought this was an acceptable way to raise a child.

14 year olds need a lot of parenting and guidance.

maddy68 · 30/12/2022 17:21

I didn't like my own child at that age if I am completely honest.

It's ok!

He will grow out of it. Your relationship will improve. You are putting too much pressure on yourself to be a perfect family

imalreadygone · 30/12/2022 17:44

I couldn't stand one of my DSC a couple of years ago. It was a similar situation. Poor hygiene. Bathroom left in a state. No table manners. Part of my annoyance would be DH would try and do something about it then 2 weeks later when they were back again they'd revert to how things were at mums house.

Happy to report that 2 years later I now like her again and she doesnt do as much disgusting stuff.

MeridianB · 30/12/2022 20:56

So good to see so many supportive comments on this thread!

I had this issue a couple of years back and was ripped to pieces by non-SMs telling me I was being ridiculously over-sensitive for expecting teen DSC to wash their hands after using the loo.

It’s also gross for others in the house. I bleached things like light switches and door handles while this was happening, too. Table manners were non-existent. DH went full Disney around this time.

Showering, too- unwashed teens smell like the seventh circle of hell, so I totally agree that your DH has a responsibility to guide and follow-up on hygiene. It’s like toddlers, you have to repeat over and over until it sinks in.

It DID get better, but when you’re in it, it seems to go for ever.

lookluv · 30/12/2022 22:02

Fairly normal teen behaviour - which he needs his father to consistently remind him to wash clean etc.

Sounds like he does not have any space in your house which will not help, so yes your DP is right in this.

You don't have to like him in this phase but building up this level of hatred is not healthy and he will know you don't like him which will not help.

hourbyhour101 · 30/12/2022 22:13

Lordy teenagers are such a pain.

All seems perfectly normal behaviour if admittedly really grim and annoying.

They come out the other end and it's ok to be frustrated.

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 30/12/2022 22:20

Teens are hard. I work with a lot of teen boys, and they can be quite vulnerable and often rather lovely under their smelly bravado.
He might also hate not having his own room and feeling like an unwanted guest. DH needs to step up and be a decent dad to him.
Hang in there.

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 30/12/2022 22:24

Just a thought. I have my own teen and he doesn't like hanging out with his dad and step mum too much because he feels a bit awkward around her and her kids. She is actually lovely, but he is very private and will avoid asking for anything (like a towel!) because he feels embarrassed.

stepstepstep · 30/12/2022 22:46

NC for this! I have 3 DSS and I get on well with DSS1 (15yo) and DSS3 (11yo). DSS2 (14yo) drive me nuts. He winds everyone up constantly, lies (badly) all the time and does things like pretending to go to hit my teen DDs (never actually touching them) in order to make them flinch. He’s been pulled up
at school for bullying. The only thing I can say for him is that he’s very clean, he spends hours in the (only!) bathroom.

I feel your pain OP. It’s not as simple as parenting as DSS1 is lovely, I think some kids just go through these phases during their teens (although he’s always been difficult). I’m just gritting my teeth & hoping to get through it…

imalreadygone · 30/12/2022 22:48

MeridianB · 30/12/2022 20:56

So good to see so many supportive comments on this thread!

I had this issue a couple of years back and was ripped to pieces by non-SMs telling me I was being ridiculously over-sensitive for expecting teen DSC to wash their hands after using the loo.

It’s also gross for others in the house. I bleached things like light switches and door handles while this was happening, too. Table manners were non-existent. DH went full Disney around this time.

Showering, too- unwashed teens smell like the seventh circle of hell, so I totally agree that your DH has a responsibility to guide and follow-up on hygiene. It’s like toddlers, you have to repeat over and over until it sinks in.

It DID get better, but when you’re in it, it seems to go for ever.

Yes! This is the issue we had. It was gross. And then covid kicked in and all that made it worse! It felt like they couldn't even be arsed to wash their hands or flush the loo.

But it does get better! They suddenly start caring what their mates etc will think I think.

hourbyhour101 · 31/12/2022 07:41

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 30/12/2022 22:24

Just a thought. I have my own teen and he doesn't like hanging out with his dad and step mum too much because he feels a bit awkward around her and her kids. She is actually lovely, but he is very private and will avoid asking for anything (like a towel!) because he feels embarrassed.

This makes me feel for him. I remember being a teen and the shame of asking my mum for sanitary products made me really stressed. And my mum was and is lovely.

They do move passed it I promise.

MichelleScarn · 31/12/2022 07:50

Another issue is dh wants to buy a 3 bed so he will have his own room again like before dd
The hygiene issue is grim, but where is she sleeping and getting privacy at your house? Is he properly sharing with dd?

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 31/12/2022 08:10

I'm with you - I struggle with having a teen SS having only had a daughter myself. Teen boys are generally not pleasant! Agree your husband needs to step up and address some of the issues. That's the only way we make it (kind of) work in our house.

Also agree with what a PP said about rules being enforced and then forgotten the minute they spend time at mum's. That's something we struggle with too.

Oblomov22 · 31/12/2022 08:56

What does Dh say? I'd lose respect for someone if he didn't parent properly. Why isn't he bothered that ds is rude and lying to his wife?

Navigatingthroughlife · 01/01/2023 08:52

Not really advice but I’ve been there! My DSS (10) has started going through a phase of not flushing the toilet. It’s grim. I think boys are so concerned about getting back to their game etc they don’t even think. In my DSS case I genuinely think that’s the reason I don’t think he does it to piss anyone off as he genuinely is lovely apart from that one thing. Although my partner made me more mad as when I asked my partner to pull him up on it as he literally doesn’t flush when taking a shit and I walked in to a disgusting toilet first thing in the morning my partner laughed and thought it was hilarious…

We all have annoying habits I’m sure but try riding it out. Keep moaning to your partner every time he does something disgusting and your partner will hopefully soon get sick of you moaning and will actually parent his child.

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 01/01/2023 15:35

Navigatingthroughlife · 01/01/2023 08:52

Not really advice but I’ve been there! My DSS (10) has started going through a phase of not flushing the toilet. It’s grim. I think boys are so concerned about getting back to their game etc they don’t even think. In my DSS case I genuinely think that’s the reason I don’t think he does it to piss anyone off as he genuinely is lovely apart from that one thing. Although my partner made me more mad as when I asked my partner to pull him up on it as he literally doesn’t flush when taking a shit and I walked in to a disgusting toilet first thing in the morning my partner laughed and thought it was hilarious…

We all have annoying habits I’m sure but try riding it out. Keep moaning to your partner every time he does something disgusting and your partner will hopefully soon get sick of you moaning and will actually parent his child.

This is disgusting, and not funny in the slightest. Had the same with both stepsons. Only way to change it is to make them go back and do it every single time, whatever they're doing, mid game or not. I even had the two of them arguing over which one of them had left the shit in the toilet.

midnightfirework · 01/01/2023 16:13

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 01/01/2023 15:35

This is disgusting, and not funny in the slightest. Had the same with both stepsons. Only way to change it is to make them go back and do it every single time, whatever they're doing, mid game or not. I even had the two of them arguing over which one of them had left the shit in the toilet.

Show quote history

I just told my DH to sort it out each and every time. Soon worked.

Kanaloa · 01/01/2023 16:16

So your husband (who you are apparently happy with) doesn’t support his child to be appropriately clean and healthy. And you hate the child for this… okayyy.

Maybe in a few years when it’s your kid together she’ll be walking round dirty and scruffy and he’ll be an equally rubbish parent, and whatever woman he’s managed to find will be walking round hating your daughter and dettol spraying whatever she touches.

But my advice would be tell him. Say ‘I love you, I’m so happy with you. But your son makes my skin crawl, he’s dirty and horrible and I don’t want him linked to our happy family.’ If it was me I’d want to know.