Christmas Eve reality - It can be hard out here!

[Mon33xx]

DSD 8 came round Xmas Eve morning. Had a lovely day seeing my partner's family. Opened pressies from them, played games, lovely meal etc. the usual. Came home, wore matching PJ's, had hot chocolates, ate crap, watched 3 Christmas films back to back (wanted to poke my own eyes out but went along with it as knew DSD was having fun), left out a carrot for Rudolph. Genuinely lovely day.

DSD goes to bed around 9pm. 30 mins later cue the hysterical crying from DSD how she misses mummy and doesn't want to be with us at Christmas but at home with her mum. Great. Awful way to finish the day and you can tell from my partner he's really hurt even though he says 'it's one of those things'.

This isn't a post moaning about DSD, moaning about my partner, or even my life as a step mum. But this is the reality sometimes. You have a lovely day and then boom, it can be destroyed in half an hour and then you're all wondering what you did so wrong.

Mon33xx this sounds hard and you have my empathy.

It sounds like she had a lovely day and then probably at bed time started thinking of Mummy because the fun had stopped. I can understand why this hurt your feelings, OP, it's that "I'm not good enough" story we tell ourselves. Her missing her mum isn't a reflection on how much she loves you and your DP though. When we've had those situations in the past I've given lots of cuddles and understanding and asked the child if they want to call the other parent - when they've calmed down a little. It is hard if you have a bio parent who has done the "I'm all alone" routine though - and the overly dramatic farewells.

You gave her a wonderful day and she also missed her mum, they aren't linked so try not to feel bad. It's hard for kids having two homes, especially at Christmas.

You're doing a great job x

I've been there with the "just take DSS back when he gets upset" mentality - what people don't realise is how much trouble setting that precedent can cause, for the child, not just the adults. Once they get it in their heads that they can just ask to go back whenever, if that isn't a practical possibility, it causes them more anguish in the long run.

I totally get what you mean OP. Tbh, my DP has just stopped looking forward to special occasions with DSS because of years of stuff like this. It does make it hard to enjoy. I do agree that it's the same as any child getting overtired and emotional but it IS more targeted when what they're saying to you is that they don't want to be with you than when they're just generically overtired. It's more like when a child has a strong preference for one parent and constantly rejects the other, which is common but tough for that parent, whatever people say. I do like what someone said upthread said about how being a parent is about learning that one meltdown doesn't need to spoil the whole day, though. If my DSS didn't teach me that, my own DD is now!

With the greatest of respect "winning" isn't even on the agenda with children. I really don't understand that mindset - it seems such an immature and non parenting attitude.

The idea that my children would cry for me/ex on Christmas eve breaks my heart. Have some empathy, for a child that probably will have that memory when she is a parent, I know I do.

People who have been in your DSD place are telling you the implications of your and your DH actions - I would suggest you thank them and use their lived experience to avoid your DSD having potential long term issues.

I go out of my way to make sure my children have both me and my ex on xmas eve/morn and it is challenging but I do it for my children to give them the best start in life. That poor mother.

Are you a step parent ?

Do you frequently go to the multiple births board (assuming you haven't had a multiple birth) to say you don't understand and people are doing it wrong ?

The fact the poster clearly is worried about their step child that they are posting and get comments like yours saying they will permanently damage their step children is baffling.

And before you ask I'm a adult step kid. People need to parent from a place of being a parent, not a place of adult guilt and shame over having a split family.

Yes @hourbyhour101 I am a step parent to two delightful young ladies.

I shared my experience as the child as it had a huge long term impact and took years to unpack. Hopefully me sharing my experience will help the parent and step parent to find a way to support the young child in their pain.

Couldn’t agree with this more! I’m a step child and a step mum. Parenting through guilt will only allow the children to be entitled and spoilt and not understand the real world. My mum and dad never parented me through guilt it was pretty much get on with it, it’s life and it never done me any harm

DSS does this. He had the cheek to say he ‘didn’t feel welcome the other day’ We spent an extra £60k on a 4 bed house so he could have his own room when he stays EOW. If that doesn’t make you feel welcome then I don’t know what does 🙄

Just having a bedroom should make him feel welcome?? The fact you state how much more you paid for a big enough house for your family speaks volumes.
Have you read the stately homes threads?

DSDs occasionally said they missed their mum when they were little. We never took them home because of it even though it was 15 minutes walk away. Instead we let them use our phones to call/facetime their mum whenever they wanted. Sometimes they missed DP when they were with her and they used the same approach. Their mum didn't react by immediately dropping the kids over.

DP and his ex agreed this approach because their mum is entitled to a life as much as DP is and didn't want to be constantly "on-call" when the kids were with with us - unable to make plans in case we took them home and they felt it was best for the children in the long-run to understand that both their loved them and that they were safe and loved with either.

@BabyFour2023 do you think that DPs ex should have immediately dropped the kids off at ours every time they missed DP? Or do you only think dads should do this? Good parenting isn't just about immediately doing what a child wants but about what is best in the long run.