Christmas Eve reality - It can be hard out here!

[Mon33xx]

DSD 8 came round Xmas Eve morning. Had a lovely day seeing my partner's family. Opened pressies from them, played games, lovely meal etc. the usual. Came home, wore matching PJ's, had hot chocolates, ate crap, watched 3 Christmas films back to back (wanted to poke my own eyes out but went along with it as knew DSD was having fun), left out a carrot for Rudolph. Genuinely lovely day.

DSD goes to bed around 9pm. 30 mins later cue the hysterical crying from DSD how she misses mummy and doesn't want to be with us at Christmas but at home with her mum. Great. Awful way to finish the day and you can tell from my partner he's really hurt even though he says 'it's one of those things'.

This isn't a post moaning about DSD, moaning about my partner, or even my life as a step mum. But this is the reality sometimes. You have a lovely day and then boom, it can be destroyed in half an hour and then you're all wondering what you did so wrong.

I hear you.
It's distressing to see your own child so upset but it feels like your every waking moment has been utterly futile when you throw the kitchen sink at making sure a step child has a lovely time only for the day to end like this. Been there so many times.
The last time it happened just so happens to be the time I put DSD in the car and took her back to her Mum. At around 11.30pm. She then missed out on our plans for the next day which she was really looking forward to but that was just natural consequences in action.
I think knowing she can go home helped her to feel more chilled out about being here. Like she's got a choice and she's choosing to stay with dad so thats fine.
She was 8 or 9, about the age kids start to branch out a bit more from their parents and have their own preferences and opinions listened to so it makes sense.
It might be worth a try?

You’re obviously not doing anything wrong but she misses her mum. This isn’t about your or her dad. Poor girl :( couldn’t she of gone home when she got upset?

The problem with just bringing her home is it sets a problematic precedent. What if her mother wasn’t at home? If it isn’t a one off, this means her mum can’t make any plans when the child should be with her dad because they might drop her home.

i feel for kids at Christmas. They know both parents will miss them, and likely feel torn as they know they’ll upset one.

usually mum “wins” the internal battle as that’s who they spend the most time with and fear upsetting more- they know if they aren’t with dad it’s not an issue as that is the norm.

it also depends on how much guilt a parent may (inadvertently or not) load on them. All it takes is I’ll miss you so much over christmas, it won’t be the same waking up alone with no Santa etc…

give the kid a break. I’d ask her if she actually wants to go home, and why. Is she worried about her mum, or genuinely wants to go home. Can she face time mum, would that be reassuring? Or is mum likely to load on the guilt because she wants her at home.

it’s shit for everyone.

Babyfour2023 in situations where the child has different homes it is not the right thing to take a child to their other house at the sign of being upset. It actually creates instability for the child, plus it gives them power that they shouldn't have. It also shows the child that one parent is more inferior than the other.

You’d be in the wrong for disrupting the mother’s plans and expecting her to look after the child when it’s her time off though.

There’s no way to win in a stepfamily.

But this is parenting full stop. She had a nice but busy day, got overtired and overwhelmed and cried. It’s totally normal, and probably quite healthy. Your partner is taking it way too personally. Kids cry at school, at nursery, at grandparents, at friends houses, it doesn’t mean they haven’t had a good time. Of course she’ll miss her mum, It’s Normal and not a reflection on him or you

Thanks for your responses.

The thing is she doesn't show any of this behaviour during the day ever, or when she wakes up. She's a really happy little girl. It's only when the lights go out as she's alone & thinking that this happens, and it may be an attention thing as we know back home she is allowed into her mums bed when she 'can't sleep' which I really don't think helps.

I'm not sure just taking her home is the answer either. I mean it would have been 11pm on Xmas Eve by the time she got there which isn't ideal for anybody! 2 years ago the same thing happened but we know her mum have told her she was all alone for Christmas as my DSD kept repeating this. At pick up this year my partner told me her mum was going slightly overboard at saying good bye to her. We've been together 5 years so this isn't a new pattern for DSD.

And as for 'give the kid a break'. Slightly harsh. I wasn't moaning about her whatsoever. She's a great kid and I love having her over, but these sort of things hurt a lot.

This is very true thank you. He knows it's not personal but I doesn't always make it easy.

I think you and your DP are being too sensitive. As other poster said, this is kids! I've had super days with mine and something happens/is said and drama ensues. Your dsd was having a moment where she missed her mum. Put it this way, I bet she'll be bursting with her great day when she sees her mum. It's possible her mum will feel a little sad she missed out but she'll know it's not the thing to focus on.

Slightly overboard? Have you been separated from your children at Christmas?
Also saying the child is crying for attention is horrible. It was Christmas and she missed her mum. Nobody comes close to that; not her dad and not her dads girlfriend. Whether she shares a bed with her mum when upset or not, is nothing to do with you. Saying it isn’t helpful because she would’ve preferred to have been with her mum is just unfair. It’s what helps her. How is that unhelpful? Unhelpful for you and her dad perhaps but not for the child and it’s her needs that should be put first.

Surely it shows the child their feelings matter. We aren’t talking a random day here; it was Christmas Eve and this little girl cried for her mum. Unkind to keep her imo in this scenario.

I can have a lovely day and then be upset as I miss my mum. She died 30 years ago. I’m an adult. I’m not caught up in divorce etc. But we all feel sad at times for things we can’t have or miss even though we might have had a lovely day. When your SD is older and looks back at the times she spent with you she will appreciate it but now this isn’t her choice.

She was still with her dad in a safe and warm place. She had a wonderful day and was no doubt going to have a lovely day the next day. Children’s feelings matter but to change contact arrangements halfway through is in no one’s best interests, including the child. Does she then get to decide at 9.30 every night which parent she wants to be with? Parents just pack up the car and drive her there as and when she feels like it? It may not be always wonderful but it’s the reality for many children.

You are, as is so often the case, only seeing it as mum is most important/mum will feel dreadful etc.

Msking a big fuss and making your child feel guilty about leaving you alone is not fair on the child. Nor is increasing their dependency on you knowing they stay with their dad regularly.

its not an insult to say a child is doing something for attention. They often are.

But it wasn’t every night at 9.30. It was Christmas Eve and she wanted to be with her mum. There comes an age when family court take the child’s wishes into consideration, this is because contact should be arranged around what is in the child’s best interest. Not the fact “it isn’t ideal” for someone to take an upset child home at 11.30.
Its situations like this that end up with posts when the child is a teenager and no longer wants to visit the other parent; usually because their feelings were invalidated and they weren’t listened to when younger.

@Mon33xx

"2 years ago the same thing happened but we know her mum have told her she was all alone for Christmas as my DSD kept repeating this. At pick up this year my partner told me her mum was going slightly overboard at saying good bye to her. We've been together 5 years so this isn't a new pattern for DSD."

I think it was this that must have been planted into her little head.. probably the "I will miss you so much" etc etc and it must have all been to overwhelming for the child.

No I’m not. I’m very, very clearly pointing out that the child is the most important. She already has to split her time between 2 homes. The child felt dreadful. That’s the point here.

Would it be possible to let her talk to mum on the phone or FaceTime? Might make her feel better.
I’m sure she still loves you and her father but just try and always think of things from her point of view, I know it’s hard not to take these things personally but it’s really difficult for kids growing up with parents who are separated and living between two homes.

My dad has always been completely lovely, but the person I always wanted to be with was my mum. She stayed with him in part because she knew I could not do sleepovers with him without her. It's not always because of fear of upsetting mum, sometimes it's because dad isn't enough.
DD has always chosen where she wants to go over Christmas. Her father and step mother are fine, but it took a long time for DD to want Christmas Eve at her dad's because she didn't want me to not be there on Christmas morning.

But this is parenting full stop. She had a nice but busy day, got overtired and overwhelmed and cried. It’s totally normal, and probably quite healthy. Your partner is taking it way too personally. Kids cry at school, at nursery, at grandparents, at friends houses, it doesn’t mean they haven’t had a good time. Of course she’ll miss her mum, It’s Normal and not a reflection on him or you

This is so true.

I agree with @BabyFour2023

Just because mum was upset about not seeing her daughter at Christmas doesn’t mean she’s trying to make her daughter feel guilty for leaving her alone and make her more dependent on her. That’s a big exaggeration it was one day and a really special day. Anyway it can’t of had that a big affect on OP’s step daughter as she seemed to have a lovely day with them regardless. It was just nighttime she got upset because she started to miss her mum.

pretty awful you assume her crying because she missed her mum is just attention seeking behaviour rather than just a wee girl upset cause she genuinely misses her mum which is totally understandable. Not easy for kids being forced to live between two homes and not get to see mum or dad for days at a time without a choice. You seriously lack empathy, children have feelings too you know.

I think with children you have to adjust to realising that one episode of upset or a tantrum doesn’t spoil a whole day. One of my favourite days with DSD around Halloween ended with a big meltdown because she was tired, over stimulated etc and some of that was expressed through wanting her mum.

The way to support the child is not to say ‘yes. Back to mum for Christmas immediately’.

She was safe, loved and about to have a lovely Christmas day with her dad.

Safe and loved yet unhappy & crying. Sounds wonderful for the child!!!