Christmas Eve reality - It can be hard out here!

[Mon33xx]

DSD 8 came round Xmas Eve morning. Had a lovely day seeing my partner's family. Opened pressies from them, played games, lovely meal etc. the usual. Came home, wore matching PJ's, had hot chocolates, ate crap, watched 3 Christmas films back to back (wanted to poke my own eyes out but went along with it as knew DSD was having fun), left out a carrot for Rudolph. Genuinely lovely day.

DSD goes to bed around 9pm. 30 mins later cue the hysterical crying from DSD how she misses mummy and doesn't want to be with us at Christmas but at home with her mum. Great. Awful way to finish the day and you can tell from my partner he's really hurt even though he says 'it's one of those things'.

This isn't a post moaning about DSD, moaning about my partner, or even my life as a step mum. But this is the reality sometimes. You have a lovely day and then boom, it can be destroyed in half an hour and then you're all wondering what you did so wrong.

The best way to be unsupportive is to completely ignore and invalidate their feelings and label it as attention seeking.

How many step children do you have out of interest? How do you feel when they do this?

I was the child in this situation, albeit only for a short period. It was awful. Same age. Hence why I’m focusing in every single one of my posts from the child’s perspectives and not from yours. You may think you have some grasp on her feelings in this but it’s evident you don’t. It’s all about how you feel, not how the poor girl does. You label her as attention seeing yet you have no clue.

Now you’ve come back to answer; can you reply to my question where I asked whether you’ve been separated from your children over Christmas? If you’re a mum; would you be fine knowing your child laid in bed crying for you on Christmas Eve and the other parent and adult in charge of her labelled it attention seeking? Reply honestly please.

Well actually I was also a step-child since I was 4 so...and just for the record I was also obviously just a child to my parents but I don't post on the parenting forums #justsaying

And yes, because I'm not answering your question as being over emotional and with logic. If my DSD was expressing this behaviour thought-out the day and frequently then I would think something is up. But she doesn't. And that has absolutely nothing to do with me not being an empathetic person.

Truth is, I agree with other posters that she was just over stimulant, tired and had a little cry. It happens.

and also to add, I have a great relationship with my step mother and my two step siblings. I'm sorry you had a bad experience but please stop projecting.

Yep, the mum would’ve started a thread about her feckless ex dumping her kid back on here on Christmas Eve and ruining her plans despite their arrangement!

The same mum that was upset about her daughter having to leave her on Christmas? Which one is it?

Revisit in 5 years. I didn’t have a stepparent and no step siblings. Thankfully.

I don’t understand your silly hashtag or the “I was just a child to my parent” can you explain ?

You didn’t say she was overstimulated and tired though, did you. You said she was attention seeking. Have you decided which you believe it was?

You are objectively not focusing on it from
The child’s perspective.

In fact, you’ve yet again asked us to consider the mum’s feelings as paramount.

could it possibly be that your own awful experiences might have been reflective of how your mum handled things and made you responsible for her feelings?

A parent who says to their child ‘oh. I’ll be so sad and miss you so much’ is not helping her child adjust to the reality of the failed relationship between parents. It’s so common - from both parents.

A parent who says to their child ‘oh. I’ll be so sad and miss you so much’ is not helping her child adjust to the reality of the failed relationship between parents. It’s so common - from both parents

yep. And children pick up on other comments- I remember a lot of “oh she’ll be company for you”. “At least you’re not on your own, I bet she’s a big help” from well meaning acquaintances and relatives. It meant as a child I never stayed over anywhere as I felt guilty for leaving mum- I was her only company. Of course now as an adult I realise she’d be cracking open the wine and a film, or off down the pub as soon as I left, but children don’t think of that. I took on a lot of responsibility for my mums happiness, and if I got upset about being away from her, it was because I was worried about her, not that I wanted to go home.

Was this her first Christmas Eve without her mum? I think that's relevant.
My friend and her Ex have alternated Christmas Eve for the last 10 years and their DD is quite happy about it as she knows they both "do" Christmas differently.
I asked my DD if she wanted to spend Christmas Eve with her Dad this year as it was "his" weekend - we've been split up 10 years and DD has always spent Christmas Eve with me - and she asked us to switch our weekends as Daddy doesn't do or know our traditions.

I agree with @BabyFour2023 . The thought of my child crying for me, especially on Christmas Eve, is heartbreaking.

She was upset because she missed her mum. She’s told you she was upset because she missed her mum. That’s perfectly reasonably, she’s a child who is forced to be separated from both her parents for days at a time and live between two homes. She’s not attenuation seeking, over stimulated, tired or anything else. It’s also not a bad reflection on her mother or means that that her mum is doing anything wrong. Just because she has an amazing and wonderful time with you and her father does not mean she CAN’T miss her MUM. I don’t understand why you can’t accept that. She is a human being and she is entitled to her own feelings which she had expressed to you and her dad. It’s not a personal attack on you or her dad either. She’s a wee girl who was missing her mummy. End of.

I agree with this as well. To be honest at any time not just Christmas Eve. OP’s SD missed her mum and people find a way to make her mum out to be a bad guy because of it. She’s a child living between two homes who misses her mum which is normal. Don’t know what’s so difficult to understand really and why people are trying to come up with other reasons she could be upset. She’s literally told OP why she was upset and it makes sense. Doesn’t matter the child is “safe and warm and fed” and had a lovely day with OP and her dad. That doesn’t mean she can’t miss her other parent.

@BabyFour2023 has provided OP with a really valuable perspective as she was once the child in this situation but it’s obviously not what she wants to hear so she’s refusing to listen to any of it.

Why are you both getting yourselves into such a pickle over this? Clearly neither of you are parents with your kids going to their Dads on Xmas Eve so need to concern yourselves on the step parenting board about it :)

No where I have expressed dislike to my DSD regarding this. In fact I've mentioned mainly positive things which you've both chosen to ignore as your sole reason of commenting is to project yourselves on this forum. It also doesn't matter how it makes you feel, as another poster put, it's not about how you feel in this instance.

The entire point of this thread is not to bash my DSD, nor her mum, not my partner. But to show other step mums they aren't alone in the fact that sometimes it sucks when you put in a lot of effort, had a nice day and it's not enough. You just can't win sometimes.

Are you under the impression that other posters weren’t also children with divorced parents and stepparents?

all the emotive stuff centred around broken families and how mum feels and the child needing to miss her mummy isn’t helpful. To the child.

“It sucks when you put a lot of effort, have a nice day and it’s not enough. Just can’t win sometimes” ... yeah you could have the best day in the world with your SD and she might still miss her mum. She’s not going to forget about her mother because you have had a nice day out.

you have actually tried to bash her mum you tried to blame her in your earlier posts saying it was her fault for going “over the top” with her byes at handovers and because she told her daughter she would be alone at Christmas.

Also you’re the only one making it about yourself you literally have 0 self awareness. I mean even just Read your last sentence that’s all about you 😂 not about your SD at all.

And to the poster below coming from a broken home IS difficult for children and no one is saying she “needs to miss her mummy”. She just does miss her mum which is OKAY. Just like when she is with mum she might miss dad which is also OKAY. It is Normal to be a child living between two homes and missing the other parent.

I seriously hope a lot of the people posting on this thread aren’t in this situation themselves cause I actually feel sorry for their kids/step kids if they are. A lot of you really lack empathy and don’t seem to see children as actual human beings with real feelings of their own.

@Newmum1998 you will have to forgive me for being blunt.

But since you are on the step parenting board and have 0 lived experience of being a step parent. Taking advice from people like you would be like taking advice from a amoeba about performing complicated heart surgery on dying patient.

Sure you can do it. But it's pointless and really not helpful.

@BabyFour2023
we dropped 4yo DSD back at mum’s once when she was upset (90 mins drive away). DSD called DP as he was driving home asking to come back.

We since spoke with a child psychologist who told us never to do it. Two homes his her reality and her parents at equal, she has to learn to understand that as hard as it may be.

We’ve been firm and consistent, she’s out the other side.

@BabyFour2023 sorry, but a lot of what you are saying is just daft.

My SD’s mum used to tell my SD that she shouldn’t come on holiday with us because they might miss each other too much. She used to send texts (when SD had her own phone) telling her how much she was counting down until SD was home, how much she missed her and how she was doing ok on her own. Hence SD missed out on so many things which she would have loved, because her mum put so much pressure on her not to do those things because her mum couldn’t cope without her and resented her having fun with her dad (and then eventually us as a step family).

Ive had Xmas without my children because they are as entitled to an Xmas with their dad as they are to one with me. Not easy but no way was I going to make them feel bad about them having the excitement of Xmas with their own father.

My kids, without a doubt missed me when they were with their dad, they missed him when they were with me sometimes but I didn’t just rush them over to his - totally ridiculous and impractical. They knew they could tell me they missed him and the same the other way. I’m a teacher and have one child who misses his mum on a daily basis - should I be phoning his mum to collect him daily?!

I’m sorry that you had a bad experience as a child but saying a child should be dropped back home because they miss the other parent isn’t really living in the real world.

You and your DP are doing a super job. DSD had a lovely day. If she had a bit of a breakdown at bedtime that means she trusts you /her dad with her feelings - even if they are hard to hear. Much better than her bottling herself up and you being unaware or unable to get to the bottom of it. I’m sure she was cuddled and reassured until calm enough to go to sleep.
It’s less than perfect that she thought her mum was going to be alone on Christmas Day but that’s out of your control.
You did great.

Just noticed the mum-being-on-her-own guilt trip was last time. Apologies for reading that wrong.
Also just noticed you watched three Christmas movies in a row!! Legend!!

It’s such a hard one isn’t it. My step son done the exact same thing Christmas night. Said he had a lovely day but it’s different as first ever Christmas Day without mum. We reassured him by explaining he is extra lucky and extra special as he gets two Christmas’s double the presents, food, games etc maybe that might help if you have the same situation next year?