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Original poster

I need to rant

44 replies

roseheartfly · 23/12/2022 21:02

BM and DP agreed outside their CA to change timings around Christmas.. so they both got the best out of their plans with the little ones.

BM messages asking to change the plans because she can't drop off. DP says that's ok he can pick up...

BM goes ballistic. Fires lots of messages and missed calls and says no we are not doing that.. lots of vile messages and it's Christmas Eve eve ...

DP hasn't reacted or taken the bait he's just said ok...

But I'm livid. I don't want it to get to me but it is... help me out this out of my head.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

I really thought things were improving.

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cantsing · 26/12/2022 15:31

lookluv · 26/12/2022 12:54

The point of your post is what - DP and his EX made arrangements, she has had an issue and they have had an argument - none of your business unless it affects you. The SDCs are still coming as planned.

So your point was what and in this context you used BM as a derogatory description. I am a BM but when used by another person particularly step parent it is meant to be rude, demeaning and derogatory - which is the only reason I object ot it being used.

How is it rude? For all we know the child's mum might have remarried and the child calls the new partner mum too.

lookluv · 26/12/2022 17:51

When the term BM is used on this forum, it invariably follows a litany of issues around what a bad parent said person is and all manner of abuse which can not be substantiated. It is not used in polite way ever.

Like I said - I am a BM to my DCS but if the first SM of my DCs used it, it was always to show I was a crap BM to my DCs and to insult. Second SM would never use it because she is an all together nicer human being and does not need to resort to using such stupid comments.

RunLolaRun102 · 26/12/2022 17:57

You aren’t their Mum. If their Dad is ok with this you have no right to do, say anything.

Original poster
roseheartfly · 26/12/2022 21:26

@RunLolaRun102

I don't recall saying I thought I was their Mum or wanting to say anything. Just upset as a bystander because I care about my step children and my DP.

I hope your day improves

OP posts:
Original poster
roseheartfly · 26/12/2022 21:35

@lookluv

The plans were changed out of pettiness and I'm frustrated as being a bystander in all of it is upsetting., it's upsetting because I care. The decision to change the plans was to one up my DP , not in the best interests of children, they missed out as a result.

I've not used BM as a derogatory term. .. you've taken offence to it. I wouldn't be offended if I was described as my sons BM, it's factual. You've intended to shame me for something that isn't there, I'm sorry you've felt the need to do that.

I don't understand why on MNs net, people jump to the defence of people they have no clue about. Truthfully, if you knew what this woman was like, you wouldn't.

But hey I'm a step mum so that automatically makes me a total tosser. Loving children who aren't mine.

I'm also a BM.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 26/12/2022 21:37

It really depends on how much she wanted to change? And what the usual arrangements would have been? Was the change to normal access definitely agreed by both, did she want to revert to previous plans? I’m not sure you should be ‘furious’ unless you’d taken time off work specifically to look after them or something?

Original poster
roseheartfly · 26/12/2022 21:38

@bluepen12 thank you.

So true.. and yes we've had the best few days together. Hope you did too x

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 26/12/2022 21:55

"Birth mum" or "bio mum" are in the same category as "cis woman".
Derogatory, offensive and unacceptable.

Talon01 · 27/12/2022 08:35

roseheartfly · 26/12/2022 21:35

@lookluv

The plans were changed out of pettiness and I'm frustrated as being a bystander in all of it is upsetting., it's upsetting because I care. The decision to change the plans was to one up my DP , not in the best interests of children, they missed out as a result.

I've not used BM as a derogatory term. .. you've taken offence to it. I wouldn't be offended if I was described as my sons BM, it's factual. You've intended to shame me for something that isn't there, I'm sorry you've felt the need to do that.

I don't understand why on MNs net, people jump to the defence of people they have no clue about. Truthfully, if you knew what this woman was like, you wouldn't.

But hey I'm a step mum so that automatically makes me a total tosser. Loving children who aren't mine.

I'm also a BM.

It's because they are projecting their experiences onto your situation.

hourbyhour101 · 27/12/2022 08:42

Christ on a bike - I don't care if my Dd sm called me BM on a internet forum.

I don't know how suddenly it's more offensive if a sm says it ... that said I know I'm a dammed good mum so 🤷🏼‍♀️

cantsing · 27/12/2022 08:49

KnickerlessParsons · 26/12/2022 21:55

"Birth mum" or "bio mum" are in the same category as "cis woman".
Derogatory, offensive and unacceptable.

Some mums aren't birth mums though. They are still mums. So your argument doesn't work. Unless you're saying you're only a mum if you've given birth?

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 27/12/2022 08:55

KnickerlessParsons · 26/12/2022 21:55

"Birth mum" or "bio mum" are in the same category as "cis woman".
Derogatory, offensive and unacceptable.

Only in your opinion. You don't speak for the rest of humanity.

Don't be so silly.

Original poster
roseheartfly · 27/12/2022 09:33

Thank you!!!!

OP posts:
lookluv · 27/12/2022 10:15

YOu are openly criticising this woman and your dislike of her is obvious ( justified or not) in this context and in the way you have used it BM is an insult.

Like i said, no issue with the term in context but not when used on this forum by an SP who is having a moan. Then it is insulting. No projecting from me -you are using it as an insult and know you are.

lookluv · 27/12/2022 10:17

I have not shamed you - you managed that by yourself by using a controversial term on this forum, knowing people find it offensive. Goady at best

beachcitygirl · 27/12/2022 10:52

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Willyoujustbequiet · 27/12/2022 12:36

roarfeckingroarr · 26/12/2022 10:08

BM is incredibly disrespectful to the children's mother

This.

I know the OP says its not about that but being disrespectful straight off the bat speaks volumes and goes a long way to explain why they dont get on.

CornishGem1975 · 27/12/2022 13:48

hourbyhour101 · 27/12/2022 08:42

Christ on a bike - I don't care if my Dd sm called me BM on a internet forum.

I don't know how suddenly it's more offensive if a sm says it ... that said I know I'm a dammed good mum so 🤷🏼‍♀️

This! People need to get over themselves.

Original poster
roseheartfly · 27/12/2022 17:46

@lookluv I absolutely was not aware that it was a controversial term.

You are clearly just projecting your bitter experiences onto me and I am not going to give it another thought.

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