I need to rant

[roseheartfly]

BM and DP agreed outside their CA to change timings around Christmas.. so they both got the best out of their plans with the little ones.

BM messages asking to change the plans because she can't drop off. DP says that's ok he can pick up...

BM goes ballistic. Fires lots of messages and missed calls and says no we are not doing that.. lots of vile messages and it's Christmas Eve eve ...

DP hasn't reacted or taken the bait he's just said ok...

But I'm livid. I don't want it to get to me but it is... help me out this out of my head.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

I really thought things were improving.

I think with high conflict exes, you should always assume they’re going to pull last minute shit like this.

It’s crap. But planning on the basis that they won’t be coming (regardless what’s been agreed) is generally easiest.

Bm you mean dm = darling mom. Bio mom is awful to used when she has her child.

How old are the children? It should settle down by the time they are old enough to have some say in things.

Why would OP refer to her as "D"M?

Shes not behaving darlingy.

she isn't a birth mum though, unless her child has been fostered or adopted. She is just a mum

Hcbm here as well always pulls stunts on special occasions. I try to just not engage in any conversations about it.

Ignore the usual moaners. What’s happening now OP? Are you still seeing them over Christmas or not? I can understand your frustration and disappointment.

Are you using BM as biological mum or baby mum there?

My use of the term BM isn't the point of my post. So I refuse to be drawn into any upsetting arguments about it or suggestion that I am being derogatory towards her.

She is a Mum. So am I. She's their BM when I talk about her on this forum, if and only if she comes up in conversation in front of them, she's Mummy.

I won't be made to feel bad about myself for this.

We do actually have them from Christmas Day... it's our turn. It's just so sad that it had to start like this.. so avoidable. I just hope they haven't got wind of it.

How old are they?

6 & 9

My use of the term BM isn't the point of my post. So I refuse to be drawn into any upsetting arguments about it or suggestion that I am being derogatory towards her.;She is a Mum. So am I. She's their BM when I talk about her on this forum, if and only if she comes up in conversation in front of them, she's Mummy.I won't be made to feel bad about myself for this

not the point of your post? It was impossible for you to just say mum? Yes, many people find it derogatory. And with good reason. You know that, but did it anyway. She’s their mum. Why deny your DSC that? You don’t want to feel bad but there are plenty of women out there reading your post who feel utterly shit as a result of the ‘BM’ acronym. You matter but they don’t?

I can’t work out the issue…changes to contact were made but mum has gone back on that? And is being unpleasant? Or is contact being denied?

Wow OP, that was a bit strong. I was also wondering what BM was. Children do get wind if these things, even if they're just sensing some tension.

Yes it's crap OP.

Still get this now with my ex and we have a court order. I think it's because her partner isn't seeing his kids so it's a reaction to that.

Ignore the comments on the terminology. They're treating their situation as yours.

Do you have your own kids?

I think people know what you meant by BM, it clearly wasn't Bowel Movement.

Anyway. It is stressful having your life affected by some random person. Sympathy

Well in this case the B in BM could be used to abbreviate something else….

👏

You aren't unreasonable feeling this way. Not at all!

I think the best what you can do for yourself it to protect your emotional health here and step back. Let your DP deal with it.
Let it go and have no expectations. Detangle yourself from this. The only one you can expect anything from is you. You do you, do the Christmas your way, if DSD joins then that's brilliant, but if not, you still want to have the best Christmas.

Don't give BM power to destroy and control it. Argumentative people will be looking for a reaction they cause you. Don't give her any. Don't let her know she can control you.

Hope BM hs seen the light and DSD will spend a nice time with you

MNetters seriously need to get over the chip on the shoulder about BM. I have my own DC and would not be offended if someone called me a BM or bio mum. FFS, I am!

Anyhow, solidarity. I'm sick of being fucked around by DM (for the haters, that's Dick Mum, not Darling. There's nothing darling about her.)

Only on mumsnet do the overly sensitive whine about the use of BM. On all other forums it's fine.

Aww hunny! This is totally acceptable to feel sad, angry, frustrated. Your feelings are always justified, as they are your feelings. Even if others don’t feel the same.

I think how we communicate and deal with those feelings is what’s important. I think having a conversation where you emotions are communicated to your other half is important. Rather than just getting frustrated and digging, jabbing and then blowing your top (how I often react).

it’s easy for me to say, because I am yet to find this myself, but i think the solution here is to find acceptance in your situation, remove yourself somewhat from the emotional connection. And control/live in the moment for what you can control.

hope this helps xxxx

BM is incredibly disrespectful to the children's mother

I'd argue her behaviour isn't exactly respectful either

The point of your post is what - DP and his EX made arrangements, she has had an issue and they have had an argument - none of your business unless it affects you. The SDCs are still coming as planned.

So your point was what and in this context you used BM as a derogatory description. I am a BM but when used by another person particularly step parent it is meant to be rude, demeaning and derogatory - which is the only reason I object ot it being used.