DH won't ever leave DSC home alone

[Homealonee]

But also won't make them go out and do anything!!

We tend to have DSC most weekends, as they've gotten older contacts become quite flexible as they live down the road from us.

DSC1 is 13 and DSC2 12.

They seem to have turned into proper teens recently and rarely want to leave their room, always on calls with mates or playing games with them etc. I'm not bothered as it's up to their parents what they are allowed to do.

Except my husband refuses to ever leave them alone. They have been before when really needed to and they've been fine but for example if we ever want to do something at the weekend he'll say 'no because can't leave DSC by themselves for that long'.

Ermmm... Make them come then?? They'll pull a face no doubt but surely the option is they either come with us even if they don't want to or they stay home by themselves for a few hours? Not we just sit in all weekend so they don't have to do a single thing they don't want?

DH has started working a bit of overtime every now and then at weekend and he's the same then. I don't mind DSC staying when he's working if they choose to but I refuse to just sit in the house with our DC doing nothing so they can sit in their rooms all day. It's caused arguments between us.

Basically it boils down to he doesn't want to leave them alone but he also doesn't want to force them to do anything they don't want to do in case they want to stop coming as much now they are getting older.

I could and I do just go and do things myself but I'd like to take our DC out with my husband occasionally without this silliness around DSC being by themselves or being forced out.

DSC would be more than happy to be alone for a few hours btw! It's DH.

Take your kids and talk about what a lovely time you had. Every time. If you take your kids out to eat then don't cook for DH and the DSC - he can do it.

He's being silly. Ask your DSC if they would like to join you and their siblings if they say no then you go out with them. Leave your husband at home.

If it is EOW I would just work round it, unless you want to escalate the argument.

Realistically what can you do? You can't force your DH to leave the house and they're not your kids.

If I was you I'd make plans, invite the DSC but just get on with things of they're staying in.

No they end up being here most weekends now and because they just turn up whenever they want basically these days we can't do much planning either! I wish it was more of a set schedule but that's another thread!

And no I can't force him out but I think it's daft as fuck to plan your weekend around children playing Xbox.

And it annoys me that he expects me to when he's out.

You need to be firm here:
"I am not staying in with my kids when the DSC are here. If you need to work, and you also say they can't be home alone, then you either need to drop the overtime or sort childcare. I am not staying in with our kids climbing the walls so the DSC can stay home. Sort this out or I'll just start leaving them home alone"

I realise this isn't AIBU but YANBU. Have you sat down with him and had a proper discussion about this and explained why you're annoyed?

If his children can't be left in the house and they're moving in when they like to sit and play xbox all weekend then your DH can give up his weekend to sit an monitor the house whilst his children ignore everyone.

Why should your weekend and your DC weekend be limited because your DH doesn't want to parent his own kids?

He's also giving you a glimpse of what he'll be like when your children are older. Be prepared for him shrugging his shoulders and not putting any boundaries in.

Definitely husband problem.

And unfortunately you can't drag him out.
I'd just go with the dc without him, there isn't much else you can do tbh.

As for when he's at work, I'd go and leave them that's on him. It's his contact and it's him wanting to stay with the kids. He can't make you stay in when he's not there, it's beyond unfair. If he's not happy with that, then he can either not be at work, or when he's not there the DSC can't be there either.

What does their other parent think? Are they left alone when in their care? As they live just down the road, tell your DH they will have to go there if they won't go out with you?

Say no to watching them when he is working. It’s a bit inconsistent to say he won’t go out at all when they visit but then to work overtime when they visit. Anyhow - just say no to that part. Or say yes, but we are doing XYZ and they’ll have to come.

Given their ages I wonder if he is just taking time to adjust to the fact they are getting old enough to be homes alone for a couple of hours. Maybe taking longer to treat them like the age they are. Maybe he needs to know that even in houses that aren’t blended children that age age allowed home alone a couple of hours when their parents pop out.

overall I think you can’t change how he chooses to parent, you can only change what you do. Stop staying in, starting planning things, stop agreeing to stay in with them when he’s working. Everyone else will have to adapt around that.

It’s a bit inconsistent to say he won’t go out at all when they visit but then to work overtime when they visit

Because it seems to be that he's not actually bothered about who is in or that they are spending time with DSC, just that someone is in the house in case of things like, in his words, they need something to eat or argue.

So basically I'm supposed to stay in and not do anything on my weekend if he's working so that I can feed them and referee any fall outs. It's so so stupid imo.

It annoys me when he is here at the weekend that our DC doesn't get to do anything with both parents because DH insists on sitting in the house all day so DSC can sit in their room.

This would be the dream for my DCs.

I force mine out despite all the grumps and they enjoy themselves 99% of the time,
despite the am-dram about how we never let them do what they want (lies 🤣).

So your DH needs to parent and get them to do things you want to do sometimes otherwise they’ll grow up selfish entitled mares.

Is it possible that he is using the kids as an excuse and there’s some other reason he doesn’t want to go out on the weekends?

He really should be making an effort to do activities with you that you want, your kids want, his kids want just as much as getting to do what he wants.

This.

I wouldn’t leave a 12 and 13yo at home alone. I just think it’s too young, and would also expect fighting. But… he is crazy if he thinks you need to manage this while he’s at work, especially if they turn up every weekend.

I agree with you about non-stop gaming, too. It’s horribly unhealthy. Is it possible that the boys come over every weekend because their mother limits their gaming but their dad doesn’t?

This is exactly what I say we should do! Whenever he says we can't do X or Y because DSC are here and they can't be left alone.... Well make them come then?? It's like he thinks everyone's lives should run around DSC and not give and take like a normal family should be.

I remember doing all sorts of stuff when I was younger that I didn't want to do. No way would my parents have sat in the house so I didn't need to leave my screen all day.

12 and 13 is not to young to be home alone during the day for a couple of hours!

Personally I agree (both of them have birthdays early next year too so the older end of those ages). Both have phones too.

I agree with you about non-stop gaming, too. It’s horribly unhealthy. Is it possible that the boys come over every weekend because their mother limits their gaming but their dad doesn’t?

I'm not sure tbh. Quite honestly I've given up caring or trying to discuss this side of it and just leave them to it now. It's not my place to police their screen time if DH won't.

I would definitely leave them. Especially if they're glued to games. What does he do on inset days/ school holidays? They're too old for babysitters/cm.

Mine are similar age and have been left for increasingly longer periods since they were about 10. OK, they aren't good at clearing the kitchen after themselves, but other than that, they're fine and will even do chores if given a list.

It’s hard being a non resident but loving parent so I wouldn’t be too harsh on him. He’s right that he shouldn’t leave them alone when he’s only spending a small amount of time with them, but that means he shouldn’t be out working when they are there. If he wants to stay in with them he stays in with them, he doesn’t have the right to dictate that you should do the same when he’s not there.

will even do chores if given a list

Ha. That would be a fine thing. I don't think my DSC have ever been made to do a single one! Again, that's another thread.

Absofuckinglutely

he sounds like disney dad. He doesnt parent the screen time. Either he doesnt limit screen time to get one over on his ex, or he cannot be arsed, or both.
he is leaving you to parent all the children.

what actual parenting does he do of all the children? Not just this issue but everything? Appointments? Washing? Cooking? Homework? Reading? Routines?

They are here I'd say at least 40:60 if not 50:50 most weeks. They stay in the week too.

But it's weekends that cause the most annoyance for me as that's my opportunity (I work in the week) to go out and do things and I don't want to spend it in doors so children can play games.