Woah. 5 years in and I think a huge breakthrough just happened!

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

DP's ex has mellowed of late. She has done things like offering us Christmas morning this year even though it wasn't DPs turn. Considering her stance was always Christmas should be with her and it took multiple court visits, breaches, enforcement etc before she finally gave in last year... to offer this year up as well was quite something and we weren't sure why, but she said it was because dsd and her other daughter asked for it to be that way 🤷‍♀️.

She has also asked DP to occasionally include her older child when DP goes out for dinner with DSD recently too, which he has done (when dsd was a baby he offered to take both but she wouldn't hear of it). Given at one point she more or less accused him of child abuse this was astonishing to us that she would trust DP with her other daughter.

She has agreed to the holiday split being sorted a year in advance (previously wouldn't do it until the week before in case she "had plans") and agreed to a sensible way to split them that would work year on year to allow time for family holidays abroad without all the drama we had earlier this summer. All of this has been agreed between them and forwarded to court (which they should have been going back to this week) so it can just be approved in to an order.

Then today, out of the blue she rings DP. She apologises for the last 5 years. She tells DP that she has seen her friends successfully navigating coparenting and that she wants this rather than the previous animosity that there has been - and recognised that it was her issues that caused the problems. She didn't want to trust DP and didn't want her daughter away from her.

I have always stayed away because bile has been directed at me for simply existing so I have never been involved. She apologised towards me and said she would like to have a relationship with me too.

I can't quite believe it, but after all the crap for 5 years that DP has been through I really hope that this is the new start needed for DSD to flourish in her 2 families. I'm really hopeful, but not getting ahead of myself. Could this be the worst of it over? Could she finally see that it is better to be amicable than to try and keep DP away all these years? Please let this be it!

Has she just got into a new relationship, where it suits her not having DC so much?

Cherchez l'homme!

It's so obvious she's either got a new man or she's interested in someone and knows she will look like a real knob if he sees how she's behaving. She's hurriedly making amends so that the new man thinks she's as amazing as she's telling him she is.

Hopefully yes she's seen the light. In most cases there is no reason to be bitter in the long term, the kids do not deserve warring parents. Even where there's been an affair life is better if you move on and at least tolerate each other.

My guess is she has a new relationship? Perhaps someone coparenting successfully, also perhaps she wants more time to herself. Whatever the reason put the past behind because everyone wins if things are more pleasant. We are not going to be best friends with ex's usually (I know someone who is but outing reasons) but pleasantries and friendly handovers are always welcome, and being able to go to significant events together is amazing for your children (I'm at this stage and exh is coming for dinner next week, handover of shared dog!)

New bloke alert 🤣

To give her credit, she has been in 3 different relationships in the 5 years, this current one for over 18 months so I don't think it is "new man" syndrome. With the first two she tried to have the "new daddy" thing with both kids (older one doesn't see her dad at all) but she hasn't done it this time.
We shall see... she has never been one to want childcare because her own parents will take dsd every single time rather than dp.

Exactly this scenario has happened to my DB, his ex was horrific for the first couple of years and then seemed to have some sort of epiphany and has now been reasonable and cooperative for the last two years with no sign of it changing so fingers crossed for you too! His ex had also been with her new DP for quite a while before things changed so not 'new man syndrome' with her either. The only thing we can put it down to is a health scare his ex had which we can only assume either made her realise life is too short for all the conflict or that DB would be her DC's only parent if anything happened to her, or both. Whatever the reason DB is just grateful for the peace and happy that his DC are happier and no longer being damaged by their DM's hatred of him, I really hope you get the same outcome OP

Did your DP finally have his day in court - the one the ex cancelled in October?

Yeah my DP's ex did this. Wrote an absolutely awful letter to the courts slandering him for the sole reason to get him to attend mediation so she could 'apologise' despite being awful for 2.5 years. Not a great way to start an apology and the damage was already done. Not sure what she thought was going to happen after...

She’s got a new relationship and now values her child free time over the power she was asserting over your DH. Also bet this is a game face for her new DP.

The one in October was rescheduled for this week. Court asked them to try and reach agreement prior. So DP sent his proposal to her and she agreed to it all (never ever happened before) and so it will be put before the court to sign the order this week (hopefully!). Maybe her cancelling it was her genuinely wanting to sort things amicably? I don't know... Still can't believe court took her word for it but either way, the issue seems to have been sorted. DP proposed something sensible and she agreed so we shall run with it!

It might just be time+watching her daughter grow and seeing the value in her having a good relationship with her father. I think for some mothers the idea of being forced to be apart from their babies or toddlers is utterly intolerable but of course this eases as they grow into children.

Aye that's when my DH's ex suddenly mellowed

That was my immediate thought. She's got a new bloke on the scene!!

I am pleased it will be approved by the court - was concerned she would appear conciliatory to get your dp to drop the case and then kick off afterwards.

It may be something as simple as knowing about someone who has behaved or is behaving more batshit than she is.

Knowing about my DP's ex has stopped other separated parents we know behaving like idiots.

I will endeavour to update this thread periodically with updates as to if things remain calm and settled.

I really hope that a new leaf has been turned. As hard as it will be to try and forget some of the shit she has done, I am all for an easy and happy life so I shall be positive and not dwell on the past.

I do understand why so many think it is a new man. It definitely isn't (this time!). I have a few ideas as to why the change of heart - but ultimately it doesn't really matter why. Just that it lasts 🤞.

Call me cynical but after everything you’ve been through I’d want to see consistent evidence of this Damascene conversion for at least a year, possibly two, before I believed it was genuine.

I hope it is, but don’t hang up your body armour too soon!

OP - I hope it is for the long term for the sake of the child first and foremost. I do not and never have played games on contact and arrangements for holidays but that has taken a huge deep breath from me and bending over backwards to accommodate my EX - who after 5 years also had a revelation and started being a big boy and a parent. Getting your head round suddenly being a single parent takes time -some people longer than others

Too many nasty bitchy comments on here. We do not know the circumstances of the divorce or the age of the chid. I did not see my divorce coming and the first year I survived - when your happy world of mum dad and child gets destroyed it takes time to get your head round it, go through a grieving process and start to move on. Just because one side wants it one way does not always mean it will work for the other and both can be seen as unreasonable.

Ladies rather than bitchily making comments about new partners and how many the EX has had in such a catty way - celebrate the change

So in reality - 2 years out of 5 have now been ok -lets hope it lasts

@lookluv they were never married. Not really in a relationship as such. 3 months dating, she became pregnant and dumped him. So not the same kind of scenario as you've posted.
Some of the posters here know more of the back story as I have posted many times over the years.

Same thing happened with dh and his ex. Dsd was 5 when she apologised for her previous behaviour. They were only in a relatively short relationship and she left when dsd was a small baby. I don't think she believed dh would stick around as a dad but he's 100% always been there for dsd and ex realised she'd been wrong about him. Dsd is 27 now and we've never looked back. They've co-parented brilliantly and now we're all grandparenting too! Bumped into to her earlier with dsd and she came over and gave both dh and I a big hug.

Yes @Ikeatears this sounds very much like our scenario. I hope it plays out the way yours has! I am quite different to her so I'm not sure we will ever be good friends - but hopefully friendly and able to enjoy dsds occasions without issue.

I wish me and DP had the same from our parents - both sets divorced and still very bitter. My parents 29 years later and DP's 12 years later. So much hatred it spoils it for the grandchildren now as well as their children. I don't want that.

Following with interest…

Similar situation to PP, pregnancy following a few months of dating and it all unravelled from there. I think a lot of our issues stem from two people that don’t know each other very well having a child together…they don’t know each other well enough to not always assume the worst in each other.

It’s been over five years now, really hoping with have a breakthrough like yours. Anything previously resembling as such has always been short lived!

Nice to meet some others in similar circumstances where there were no divorces and bitter separation. Just 2 individuals who didn't really know each other who ended up having a child together. A lot of the time on here people answer from the first perspective which can be totally different to what the issues are in this set up.

@ThisMustBeMyDream me and dh's ex are also very different. We don't exactly socialise together but we have done for dsd and we do get on well. What we do have is a real mutual respect for one another. We've both supported each other when parenting dsd and never, ever undermine the other. She has allowed me to be fully involved in dsd's life and is grateful for the love and support I give dsd. I have always been acutely aware that I not dsd's mum but I am the mum of her siblings and I do have a large role in her life.
I've always left any difficult conversations to dh and his ex. I have great admiration for his ex as she always put dsd's welfare first. We had her every Christmas Eve into Christmas morning since my oldest Ds was born so that she could spend it with her sibling. I'm not sure I could have given that up every year with my own children.
Dh, his ex and I are all very proud of the way we've worked together for dsd. It's not always been perfect or easy but it's always been done with the child's best interests at the heart of it.
I hope you go on to have a similar experience to us.