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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Woah. 5 years in and I think a huge breakthrough just happened!

49 replies

ThisMustBeMyDream · 11/12/2022 13:26

DP's ex has mellowed of late. She has done things like offering us Christmas morning this year even though it wasn't DPs turn. Considering her stance was always Christmas should be with her and it took multiple court visits, breaches, enforcement etc before she finally gave in last year... to offer this year up as well was quite something and we weren't sure why, but she said it was because dsd and her other daughter asked for it to be that way 🤷‍♀️.

She has also asked DP to occasionally include her older child when DP goes out for dinner with DSD recently too, which he has done (when dsd was a baby he offered to take both but she wouldn't hear of it). Given at one point she more or less accused him of child abuse this was astonishing to us that she would trust DP with her other daughter.

She has agreed to the holiday split being sorted a year in advance (previously wouldn't do it until the week before in case she "had plans") and agreed to a sensible way to split them that would work year on year to allow time for family holidays abroad without all the drama we had earlier this summer. All of this has been agreed between them and forwarded to court (which they should have been going back to this week) so it can just be approved in to an order.

Then today, out of the blue she rings DP. She apologises for the last 5 years. She tells DP that she has seen her friends successfully navigating coparenting and that she wants this rather than the previous animosity that there has been - and recognised that it was her issues that caused the problems. She didn't want to trust DP and didn't want her daughter away from her.

I have always stayed away because bile has been directed at me for simply existing so I have never been involved. She apologised towards me and said she would like to have a relationship with me too.

I can't quite believe it, but after all the crap for 5 years that DP has been through I really hope that this is the new start needed for DSD to flourish in her 2 families. I'm really hopeful, but not getting ahead of myself. Could this be the worst of it over? Could she finally see that it is better to be amicable than to try and keep DP away all these years? Please let this be it!

OP posts:
Ikeatears · 12/12/2022 09:18

@ThisMustBeMyDream forgot to say, both dh and I are from divorced families and were stepchildren. I do believe this had an impact on how we chose to do things differently with dsd.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 12/12/2022 11:27

That is good to know @Ikeatears. I think a definite issue to consider here is parenting styles. Me and DP parent identically which obviously creates harmony in our house. But mum parents differently which has potential to present some challenges if her mum feels defensive. Hopefully not and she will just see it as we do things in a different way. A lot of our parenting style is due to one of my children having autism and adhd. There hasn't ever been any undermining issues from either side historically as dsd is just about to turn 6 and is relatively well behaved and a pleasure to be around. Obviously all could change in the future but I think that they will both be able to work together on any issues.
It would be nice to be able to be involved with school life for dsd at some point in the future. Id love to go to her plays and things where families are invited to like the Christmas fayre, summer fayre and such. I think it would be really nice for dsd to no longer feel conflicted and that she has 2 separate lives which is what she feels now. Her two lives are compartmentalised. Until recently DP was barely able to go to things as it was made very difficult for him with her mum working at the school. But again that is something that has recently changed. He was at her Christmas play just last week. Dsd gave out an advent candle to both parents which again is something that wouldn't have happened a year earlier. She has previously pretended he wasn't there. So yes, it is early days but I can see a way through now.

I have a lot of experience of blended families, and have seen many that make it work, and many where there is conflict too. I am a step child. I have a child with a step mum. My best friend has the most amazing blended family I've ever known. And now I'm a "stepmum" (once we marry, which will hopefully be soon!). I'd really like to be like my best friends family! They are great role models on how to make it work even when you don't always agree!

OP posts:
wickedstepmothfker · 12/12/2022 12:06

FleasNavidad · 11/12/2022 13:42

New bloke alert 🤣

This with bells on

Ikeatears · 12/12/2022 12:27

@ThisMustBeMyDream yes, parenting styles were different in our houses too but again, we supported each other and never undermined. Both parties were clear with dsd that, although the rules may vary slightly, they must be respected in the relevant household. I suspect dsd would tell you that this wasn't hugely difficult for her because neither household badmouthed the other. It was a case of "it may be fine at mum's and that's ok but here, you know we do x"
I hope dsd's mum continues to work with (the school play seems a breakthrough) because, when it works well, it's helpful for everyone.

CornishGem1975 · 12/12/2022 12:30

mrsmarmalade12 · 11/12/2022 13:29

Has she just got into a new relationship, where it suits her not having DC so much?

That was my first thought! If my DH's ex suddenly acted like this I'd smell a massive rat!

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 12/12/2022 12:30

Honestly people, it defo isn't a new man! She has been with this one for 18 months!

OP posts:
mrsmarmalade12 · 12/12/2022 12:36

Is she pregnant? Realised she needs you on side/hand to help.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 12/12/2022 12:41

I don't think she is pregnant. I strongly suspect she won't want more kids given what I know of her. Of course you can never say never. She is 36, so potential of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 12/12/2022 12:42

And if she was, her parents are still her number one go to, and would provide all help required. Both retired and very much in each others pockets if you know what I mean. See each other every day and so on. She has never wanted DP to help out for anything at all before.

OP posts:
Followingwithinterest · 12/12/2022 14:56

A new man doesn’t always mean it gets better…we’ve found her partners eggs her on/winds her up more.

Same with new babies, can make them want a nuclear family with new partner.

it’s a flipping minefield, always having to second guess!

thestepmumspacepodcast · 12/12/2022 16:16

Sounds like she's had therapy or coaching and realised where she needs to go??

Par91 · 13/12/2022 16:08

Congratulations OP! It does happen. We had a similar scenario. My guess is someone has probably told her she's been a dick, which WILL affect the kids. I think alot of people have other people in their lives who they might think are good supportive friends, but actually love to churn the butter and make things worse and egg them on. Glad things are on the up for you.

NorthernSpirit · 16/12/2022 12:56

Sorry to sound sceptical, but…..

I wouldn’t trust her and she’s after something. Women like this (who have been incredibly difficult) rarely change.

Keep your guard up would be my advice.

FestiveAF · 16/12/2022 13:37

I think if I were in a similar situation then it’s the fact the child is older. After 6 years I’m only just about willing for my child to be away from me, and even then I’d far rather they were here with me. It sounds awful missing out on aspects of your child’s life and having no choice in the matter, even if you do understand it’s good for the child to have a relationship with their dad.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 16/12/2022 13:47

@FestiveAF you can reverse that on to how dad feels too. He also didn't like her being away from him even though he did understand it was good for the child to have a relationship with their mum 🤷‍♀️.
He just didn't behave badly about it.

OP posts:
HelsyQ · 16/12/2022 13:50

ThisMustBeMyDream · 11/12/2022 13:26

DP's ex has mellowed of late. She has done things like offering us Christmas morning this year even though it wasn't DPs turn. Considering her stance was always Christmas should be with her and it took multiple court visits, breaches, enforcement etc before she finally gave in last year... to offer this year up as well was quite something and we weren't sure why, but she said it was because dsd and her other daughter asked for it to be that way 🤷‍♀️.

She has also asked DP to occasionally include her older child when DP goes out for dinner with DSD recently too, which he has done (when dsd was a baby he offered to take both but she wouldn't hear of it). Given at one point she more or less accused him of child abuse this was astonishing to us that she would trust DP with her other daughter.

She has agreed to the holiday split being sorted a year in advance (previously wouldn't do it until the week before in case she "had plans") and agreed to a sensible way to split them that would work year on year to allow time for family holidays abroad without all the drama we had earlier this summer. All of this has been agreed between them and forwarded to court (which they should have been going back to this week) so it can just be approved in to an order.

Then today, out of the blue she rings DP. She apologises for the last 5 years. She tells DP that she has seen her friends successfully navigating coparenting and that she wants this rather than the previous animosity that there has been - and recognised that it was her issues that caused the problems. She didn't want to trust DP and didn't want her daughter away from her.

I have always stayed away because bile has been directed at me for simply existing so I have never been involved. She apologised towards me and said she would like to have a relationship with me too.

I can't quite believe it, but after all the crap for 5 years that DP has been through I really hope that this is the new start needed for DSD to flourish in her 2 families. I'm really hopeful, but not getting ahead of myself. Could this be the worst of it over? Could she finally see that it is better to be amicable than to try and keep DP away all these years? Please let this be it!

Look at all these ladies saying the only way a woman can better herself is if a man comes along 🤣🤣🤣

whatever the reason just enjoy it today, maybe it will change in a month, week or year but today it’s peaceful.

CornishGem1975 · 16/12/2022 14:29

Look at all these ladies saying the only way a woman can better herself is if a man comes along 🤣🤣🤣

That's not what is being said at all. But the truth is, quite often motives change when someone else comes along. People don't just randomly see the errors of their ways and change, especially if they've been high conflict. Nope.

HelsyQ · 16/12/2022 14:47

CornishGem1975 · 16/12/2022 14:29

Look at all these ladies saying the only way a woman can better herself is if a man comes along 🤣🤣🤣

That's not what is being said at all. But the truth is, quite often motives change when someone else comes along. People don't just randomly see the errors of their ways and change, especially if they've been high conflict. Nope.

It is EXACTLY what was said lol.

RunLolaRun102 · 16/12/2022 14:59

It’s probably because she went into protective mama bear mode while her dd was a baby. That it went to court meant she was probably terrified of losing her & just did what she could to keep her with her. There are hormones at play too particularly if she had kids afterwards - my hv said it can sometimes take 5-10 years for pnd to go.

Having said that I would probably not be telling her you want to be part of school plays / fun stuff as a parent. Trying to put it gently but your dsd isn’t your dd - fun stuff like that imo is for the parents to do together with the dc. You have your kids - enjoy them, enjoy your dsd when she’s with you but don’t try to overstep.

Rapunzel22 · 17/12/2022 12:37

NorthernSpirit · 16/12/2022 12:56

Sorry to sound sceptical, but…..

I wouldn’t trust her and she’s after something. Women like this (who have been incredibly difficult) rarely change.

Keep your guard up would be my advice.

I am with NS here. There is always something that will set them off again. I had thought we were there but this week it has all blown up again.

Followingwithinterest · 17/12/2022 16:51

@Rapunzel22

I’m with you…thought it was all behind us when she bought me a thank you card and chocolates on Mothers Day from DSD and said DSD was lucky to have two mums, a mummy and step mum….it was the first and last time anything like that has happened and it was a good few years ago. It’s all been downhill from there.

KnobbyKnobson · 17/12/2022 17:00

There's a subtle (but very definite) sneery undertone in the way you talk about her. Do you feel slightly threatened by her?

Reugny · 17/12/2022 19:21

KnobbyKnobson · 17/12/2022 17:00

There's a subtle (but very definite) sneery undertone in the way you talk about her. Do you feel slightly threatened by her?

Give over.

Followingwithinterest · 17/12/2022 20:32

@KnobbyKnobson
who are you referring to?

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