Equality? Opinions please

[busmilk]

Me & DP have a child each.

My ds's dad isnt involved in his life, therefore he is always with me, which means its me ds & dp in our house. Dss stays every weekend.

Because of the set up and dp taking on a fulltime parent role (in a way, I still do everything pretty much) does that mean that I am therefore obliged to help out with dss as much as possible?

Sometimes dp is bed bound with migraines which means i then have both boys on weekend etc. taking them to places.

Dss offen has a lot of play dates (whatever the correct term is for a 12 year old) which means i have to drag ds all over the place for dss's activities.

Sometimes I honestly just cannot be bothered, no reflection at all on dss btw, but i sort of feel like I have to because dp has "taken on" (hate that term) my child full time.

So i guess i feel like even if i take dss places its still not even equal as dp has more time with ds.

Any opinions on this?

Maybe it's easier to frame it a different way. If both kids were yours, would you ferry one about all the time and make the other one wait? Probably not.
When both parents are available, then both kids get to do everything they want. When you have one parent available and 2 kids, some compromises have to be made.

Depending how often these migraines happen, if it’s every other weekend then you have a problem, get your DP to see a doctor as it’s not normal, it’s not your job to drive his kid everywhere or entertain him every weekend while your DP is in bed .Like you said , you’re doing pretty everything for yours , you shouldn’t be doing pretty much everything for his as well.

I take it your DS is quite young if you're not able to leave him at home while you ferry your DSS about? I think there is room for some compromise here. It's fair that you do a decent amount for DSS but you can't be expected to do so to the detriment of other people in the household.

In your circumstances I would say yes you need to step up where possible but perhaps your dc can stay at home with your dp even - unless they are a toddler which I doubt based on your description, if your dc doesn't want to go to wherever dss needs to be he can stay at home

How frequently do you take to bed and expect him to take your DS to his activities and social plans, while dragging DSS along for the ride?

Can your son stay at home with your dp?

What help is he getting with his migraines? Do you feel he’s helping himself? Or just deciding to opt out of parenting because you’re there? How would he cope if he was single? I used to get crippling migraines but there are things that help.

People will always ask what you’d do if they were both yours, they’re not, but less keen to ask what the other person would do if they didn’t have the SP to stand in for them…

I’d make decisions on a case by case basis. If you can drop him somewhere and then do something with DS then that’s probably reasonable. If the boys have plans which clash then you need to prioritise your son and your DSS parents can liaise between themselves on how to facilitate him and his plans.

Why is he with you every weekend? When does he have down time with his mum?

He's not taken on a full time parenting role if he hardly does anything with your DC. Do his migraines fall at the weekends?

Oh wait no you are right, the step child must always come first to the detriment of your own child who should just be left at home with their bed bound stepfather, because you got together with a man with kids so you knew what you were getting into!!!!

Heavy sarcasm here if that wasn't clear.

I still do everything pretty much

in what way has your dp ‘taken on’ your son, if you are still doing everything?

thinking about the running of a home, making meals, buying clothes / presents / food, dealing with school, remembering key events and acting accordingly, checking homework, washing, ironing, cleaning, etc etc etc how much is your dp doing? Is it an equal amount?

how long have you been together as a couple? How long have you lived together?

do they ever fall on weekends he has plans?

If you want to create a family that feels like a family that includes all four of you equally, then you do need to help with your dss if your dp is ill, but that doesn’t mean doing everything for him. By making the effort for your step son you are allowing him to feel like he matters to both that adults in his dads home as much as the child who gets to live with his dad, which can only be a good thing.

I can understand why you don’t feel you want to traipse around to your dss’s activities, but there is a huge amount of compromise and effort that needs to be made by adults that want to create a happy blended family.

seems like theres a huge amount of compromise for the one without a penis.

how is her dp compromising exactly as i missed that part? Or did you mean there should be no boundaries at all for the op?

How about compromise made by his actual parents? E.g. if DP isn't well enough to get out of bed and actually see him, his own mother looks after him and ferrys him around?

I'm not being nasty here, I actually think it's a bit of a shame his own mother doesn't look after him when DP is Ill and both parents just expect OP to pick up their responsibilities.

And yet again, as ling as the person doing the actual grunt of the parenting doesnt have a penis, it is a compromise! Penis king carries on as normal. Giving no fucks. Doing no parenting.

No it's not the mother who has to compromise here. She and DP both need to share responsibility and work this out between themselves as DSS is the shared responsibility of his two parents. If one is Ill it falls to the other to look after him. That's not compromise that's just being a decent parent. Exactly the same responsibility whether mother or father is ill.

I’m looking at it more from the perspective of the child’s only opportunity to spend time with their dad being only two days a week and they probably want to have that time with their dad.

Migraines are debilitating. There are specific medications for them though. Is he taking them? Has he been to a doctor about them?

I think stepping up and looking after your stepson to help out your partner is the nice thing to do. But if he has migraines every weekend and his son is missing out on spending quality time with his dad then that’s not ok.

I agree.

If there is any inkling this is laziness rather than genuine illness, I'd tell him that if he is not well enough to look after his son or actually see him then he should stay with his mum. Maybe then he will either step up or if he is really ill, look for ways to treat his migraines.

It is not nice for both parents to abdicate responsibility. That will not feel nice for DSS.

Helping out in emergency is one thing, but I am assuming this is a regular thing if it is becoming an issue.

My own husband can be a bit like this. While I end up doing most of the looking after DSD along with my kids on a regular basis, this is causing emotional issues with DSD as although she has fun with me she is smart enough to notice she is being neglected by both of her actual parents.

Two separate things

1. Is DP seeing his GP for treatment? After he exhausts primary care treatments, he will be referred to a neurologist, there are also trials for new treatments.

2. You could treat DSS as if he was your own son and think about whether you want to ferry him here, there and everywhere. If you limit yourself to eg one venue or one club or something, then you have more control over your plans. And it’s not clear if you live locally to his DM? Are his friends in the area that he can cycle there? Now he’s secondary age, he should be more independent. But if his dad has moved a fair way away, then his dad should step up to accommodate this.

If he's not well enough to look after his kid then he should be canceling his contact time and asking mum to help out. She should be the first choice for looking after her child if dad can't not you.

I think the pertinent questions posted on this thread are:

1. in what way has your DP actually taken your DS on as his own? Existing in the same house as him is not sufficient. If you’re still doing everything, then he has not taken anything on at all.
2. What would your partner do if you weren’t there to step up for him?

I also wonder who is organising all these social activities that you have to make happen? It’s clearly not you, and you clearly get no say.

• If it’s your SS, then he needs to learn to negotiate transport as part of his social life. It’s not a given that you’ll just taxi him around.
• if it’s his mother, then she needs to stop organising his contact time with his father.
• in the unlikely event it’s his father, he needs to do the things he says he will. Or factor the frequent migraines in when deciding how much to commit to.

i don’t agree with the posters who think you’ve somehow signed up as a nanny and must do this stuff at all.

I’d make plans myself with my DS for the next many weekends. And refuse to drop them because DP has yet another migraine. His son is 12, he can stay at home with his dad. Or his dad can make suitable arrangements.

I’m also confused about the frequency of these things - if migraines are frequent then your DP definitely needs medical help.

if DSS has play dates more often than not on DP”s contact weekends, then he can ask to reduce these so he can maximise time with his son.

How many weekends in the last 3-4 months have you been left alone with DSS?

Am I the only one that's thrown by the term play date for a 12 year old, but the reason I bring this up is play dates are often organised by the mother, if DsS is organising these meetings himself surely you could drop him off and he could get public transport home or public transport there and you pick up after. So only doing one trip.

Freeing you from the bind that is wait until the children have played faffed ect so you could plan around the drop off or pick up time ?

Although I want to make this clear that I don't think you have any moral obligation to do any of this, unless in the marriage vows you signed up to be a unlimited and unpaid nanny taxi driver.

Also if DP has these regularly and not actively seeking treatment- I think he's pulling your chain.

Living in the same house as a child and talking to them occasionally doesn't mean he's taken your child on.

How often and when do the migraines happen? Because if they are bad enough to be bedbound frequently even with medication then I'm suprised he's managing to hold down a full time job

I get terrible migraines, monthly, but I can't just retired to bed each time or I would be unemployable. That doesn't mean at the weekend I don't sometimes have a lie in or an afternoon nap if it helps but I certainly don't opt out of family life for the entire say/weekend

Does he actually take medication and does he need it reviewed? Or is he one of those people who 'doesn't like to take painkillers' but prefers to sit and moan about it instead? I worked with one of those, drove me fucking nuts. Expecting me to pick up his work as well as mine even though sometimes both of us had a migraine

Maybe I worked with your DH!