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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Spiteful action from stepdaughter

38 replies

stepkids · 07/12/2022 13:13

Stepdaughter reacts spitefully if we ever ask her to pay (more)/ put more money in the kitty.
She's 22 and still lives at home. Works part time and considers herself very busy and says she has a lot of bills to pay..
She earns about 1200 a month and pays just150 a month towards all our costs.
She has NO savings whatsoever.

She resents her dad working just 2 days a week (that's what she sees) in reality he is finishing off some consulting work and starting up a new business at the same time.

She does nothing in the house unless I specifically ask her to do something (eg chop up an onion / tidy up her shoes etc)

I do most of the cooking - the shopping (mostly online) and tidying up and all the washing except hers and her older brother. And (thank god) we have a cleaner.
It's really upset me this time - as she always chooses a spiteful action that will affect me and my partner.

She said I can't wait til I can move out. I had to literally bite my tongue not to say - then just go.. (but stepmums can't say shit like that can they lol)

I have to add that she can also be adorable and love her a lot.
I've told her it's no good ranting over what's app to me - she needs to sit down and talk to her dad if she has issues with him.
He adores her and has done more than enough for her but she only focuses on the things that aren't great and always twists a story to make dad look worse for example.

Her mum is not on the scene. In general me and her have a good relationship.

Stepmums - how would you handle this as I am feeling pretty resentful at the moment myself and feel like not doing anything else for her- no lifts etc ..

OP posts:
Pictograph · 07/12/2022 13:16

Is it possible you're misunderstanding her meaning? She's excited to move out and sees it as the next step for her - rather than a criticism of you and lack of appreciation of what you do for her?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2022 13:18

Why’s she only working part time? When is she moving out and is she saving up to do so?

As one of the adults in the house who’s presumably paying the bulk of the costs for the household you absolutely can tell her to ship out if she doesn’t find her circumstances up to standard. Being a step mum doesn’t oblige you to be a total mug.

She’s being a cheeky cow to send you nasty messages, does she do the same to her dad and is he okay with her being horrible to you?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 07/12/2022 13:22

I would sit her down and explain you can't continue only getting £150 board while she wastes the rest of her money.
You want a plan made either she pays more board or she needs to start saving from next months pay check towards moving out and renting and give a deadline.

Fragrantandfoolish · 07/12/2022 13:24

Does 150 not cover her additional costs? How much extra does she actually cost you?

Original poster
stepkids · 07/12/2022 13:27

@Fragrantandfoolish
Do you know how much Aussie shampoo and conditioner costs haha
She has a bath almost every night- filled to the top and the shower on as well.
I buy all the tampons - razors etc.
The fridge and freezer are always stocked.

OP posts:
Original poster
stepkids · 07/12/2022 13:29

@Pictograph no she doesn't mean it positively I'm afraid. She thinks we are the unreasonable ones

OP posts:
Original poster
stepkids · 07/12/2022 13:31

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks
Yeah I said to dad he needs to go her her bedroom where she kind of spends the whole day to avoid having to be downstairs when she's home - and then I won't ask her to help out...

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 07/12/2022 13:31

What do you mean by ‘reacts spitefully’ and where is her Dad in making her step up in terms of responsibilities?

Rainbowshit · 07/12/2022 13:33

What's the spiteful action she is taking? Seems fairly standard teen/young adult behaviour. Not pulling weight or paying their share and saying can't wait to move out. Same old same old.

Can't see anything particularly spiteful.

Get her dad to lay down the rules, set a rota for chores and ask her to pay more.

Eventually she will move out and wise up when reality hits.

Original poster
stepkids · 07/12/2022 13:33

@AnneLovesGilbert
She sends me messages and they are always slating dad. They are horrible. He's done his best in the past - definitely not perfect - but he meant well. He is very good at choosing for himself though. I'm learning as we go along lol.

OP posts:
milawops · 07/12/2022 13:34

How on earth are her razors, tampons and toiletries covered in the board she pays? Surely that's stuff she should buy herself?

forrestgreen · 07/12/2022 13:34

I'd say the £150 covers her until it's bills. She can buy her own toiletries and tampons!
I'd be backing away from cooking for her as she'll have to learn as she's moving out..

forrestgreen · 07/12/2022 13:35

Sigh. Utility bills

Original poster
stepkids · 07/12/2022 13:38

@Rainbowshit
It's something that affects the whole family. Her withholding something that will now cause us all a lot of inconvenience. And expense.
Yes agree its the whole teenager thing. My 2 kids have left home and started their own families so I've been there and done that- but its pissed me off no end.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 07/12/2022 13:49

When she says I can't wait until I move out, I would ask her how she expects to do that when she works part time and doesn't save a penny? Perfectly reasonable question and if said enough, it might sink in!

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2022 13:54

She’s not a teenager though, she’s an adult. Has been for years. Her contribution is to the costs of running the house she lives in now she’s working and got an income, it’s a very low amount as it is, especially given how fast costs are rising. You absolutely shouldn’t be paying for her bloody toiletries! How has that become a thing?

Is this the usual actually a DH problem? Does he think she’s behaving in an acceptable way? If not why’s he not tackling it? People don’t become entitled brats overnight, they’re allowed to behave like that with no consequences until they expect to be pandered to.

Fragrantandfoolish · 07/12/2022 13:55

stepkids · 07/12/2022 13:27

@Fragrantandfoolish
Do you know how much Aussie shampoo and conditioner costs haha
She has a bath almost every night- filled to the top and the shower on as well.
I buy all the tampons - razors etc.
The fridge and freezer are always stocked.

Well work out the cost and show her and ask her to pay the shortfall

WhenDovesFly · 07/12/2022 13:57

My DD is similar age and earns a bit less than yours. My DD pays me £250 per month, but she buys all her own toiletries and sanitry products, plus pays her own phone bill and she has to pay her own car insurance.

Your SD is taking you for a mug OP, sorry.

BreatheAndFocus · 07/12/2022 13:59

Why are you buying her tampons and razors?? She sounds very spoilt and immature. I’d put up her ‘rent’ and tell her it’s because she uses so much water/costs so much money. Or you could help her look for a bedsit and move her there if she’s so unhappy with her own father.

Original poster
stepkids · 07/12/2022 14:08

She isn't spoilt but she is immature. She hasn't had a real mum in her life to show her the way so to speak ..

OP posts:
cstaff · 07/12/2022 14:09

Wow - that is a similar amount to what I was paying over 30 years ago and I was clearing about £450 a month so she should definitely be paying you more in housekeeping / rent etc. I think my mam used to cover shampoo, tampons etc but there were 3 women in the house and we weren't interested in brands - just used whatever was there i.e. Tesco own brand or similar.

misssunshine4040 · 07/12/2022 14:14

stepkids · 07/12/2022 13:27

@Fragrantandfoolish
Do you know how much Aussie shampoo and conditioner costs haha
She has a bath almost every night- filled to the top and the shower on as well.
I buy all the tampons - razors etc.
The fridge and freezer are always stocked.

Then you are a mug!
Why on earth are you buying her tampons and shampoo when she is 22!?!
She should be ashamed of herself.
Where is her pride and dignity?

Original poster
stepkids · 07/12/2022 14:14

I'm actually thinking it's unfair towards her big brother now - as when we decided the amounts we said he earns a lot more than her (not in a particularly qualified job - he just works a lot of hours) so he should pay more
So he pays 250.
She is capable of working more - she just chooses not to so we need to address that.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 07/12/2022 14:27

Tell her the cost of living has increased so she needs to start paying £250 and buying her own toiletries etc.

She's got no savings and works part time so she's not moving out any time soon.

TheYummyPatler · 07/12/2022 14:43

I think it would be fair to say that they both pay £250. If she’s choosing to work less, then she cuts her cloth accordingly. Or she can work more and have more money.

It does seem unfair to your SS if he’s having to pay more than her just because he works more hours. Especially if his hourly rate is lower than hers.