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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Spiteful action from stepdaughter

38 replies

stepkids · 07/12/2022 13:13

Stepdaughter reacts spitefully if we ever ask her to pay (more)/ put more money in the kitty.
She's 22 and still lives at home. Works part time and considers herself very busy and says she has a lot of bills to pay..
She earns about 1200 a month and pays just150 a month towards all our costs.
She has NO savings whatsoever.

She resents her dad working just 2 days a week (that's what she sees) in reality he is finishing off some consulting work and starting up a new business at the same time.

She does nothing in the house unless I specifically ask her to do something (eg chop up an onion / tidy up her shoes etc)

I do most of the cooking - the shopping (mostly online) and tidying up and all the washing except hers and her older brother. And (thank god) we have a cleaner.
It's really upset me this time - as she always chooses a spiteful action that will affect me and my partner.

She said I can't wait til I can move out. I had to literally bite my tongue not to say - then just go.. (but stepmums can't say shit like that can they lol)

I have to add that she can also be adorable and love her a lot.
I've told her it's no good ranting over what's app to me - she needs to sit down and talk to her dad if she has issues with him.
He adores her and has done more than enough for her but she only focuses on the things that aren't great and always twists a story to make dad look worse for example.

Her mum is not on the scene. In general me and her have a good relationship.

Stepmums - how would you handle this as I am feeling pretty resentful at the moment myself and feel like not doing anything else for her- no lifts etc ..

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 07/12/2022 14:45

Is there any reason she cant work full time or do 2 part time jobs? Why are you buying her personal grooming items?
Put your foot down, double her board money and put a stop to the nightly full bath/showers . A shower is more than adequate.
Other wise she can find her own place and learn the real cost of living!!

TheYummyPatler · 07/12/2022 14:46

It’s probably worth her father speaking to her about his right to choose how much he works. And it being none of her business whether he works 2 days a week or 7.

along with you, he is housing her. She’s welcome to see how much £150 gets her if she’d like to house and feed herself, given she’s an adult.

TidyDancer · 07/12/2022 14:58

Can you point out to her how much it actually costs to run a house? Does she know how much you and her dad earn and what the bills actually are?

If she's not had the easiest time growing up it may just be that she's slightly head in the clouds about this stuff and there's not really any ill intent.

MintChocCornetto · 07/12/2022 15:01

There is no reason a healthy 22 year old shouldn't be working full time.

She's got it way too cushty if a PT job can pay her keep and give her plenty for spending.

You need to sit down and work out what the bills are costing between the 4 of you (including the cleaner!!!!) And make sure she pays AT LEAST that much.

Starting in January. New year New start.

MintChocCornetto · 07/12/2022 15:02

At least a quarter of the total bills I meant... My sentence probably wasn't clear!

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2022 15:21

So she hasn’t had a mum, that’s very sad, but what’s stopped her dad having taught her how to communicate in an acceptable way? He’s failing her by letting her behave in unacceptable ways.

Don’t enable her to slag him off to you by tolerating it. She’s well old enough to be told it’s not okay and you’re not putting up with it.

You’re being very passive and it’s doing no one any favours. Ditch the hand wringing and start using your voice.

maddy68 · 07/12/2022 15:33

It sounds as though
a) she's quite immature b) has lots of issues around her mum which has manifested in anger towards her dad

I honestly think she should have some councilling but also a good heart to heart. Have a family meeting where noone is allowed to speak unless they are holding x item so evetikr speaks calmly

aSofaNearYou · 07/12/2022 15:38
  1. She's not a teenager, she's an adult

  2. I can't understand how you came to the conclusion it was fair for her brother to pay more when she's simply choosing not to work full time.

She needs a reality check. She's not paying you enough and she's not saving the rest so she has no prospects of moving out. If she's not saving to move out then she needs to be contributing as though she's an equal member of the household to you two. That is fair, she's not a child anymore, she's a third adult living there indefinitely. She's had a very sweet deal so she needs to grow up and stop moaning. You both need to stop enabling her.

Ylvamoon · 07/12/2022 15:47

Is there a reason for her PT work?
Does she know how much it would actually cost to move out?
And lastly, why don't you Increase the monthly contributions to 250.-? It feels a bit unfair towards her brother...

My DD (18) gets a lot less and she is volunteering £200.- for her keep.

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 07/12/2022 16:02

Stop buying her toiletries for her. I haven't bought my daughter's toiletries (other than basic brands) since she was 18 and she's still a student with only a part time job. Then you might find the £150 covers extra food/bills etc.

hourbyhour101 · 07/12/2022 18:01

Look I imagine someone's gonna come along and start the usual sm venom but until then,

I have to say the advice you have been given is sound. I'm a adult sc and I have to say even the sc in me is saying she's taking you guys for a ride.

Up her money to match her brothers (the fact it's different gives me the ick tbh) hello golden child syndrome , you don't have to show her how much everything costs or justify how many hours you work.

Just say we expect x from this date onwards and if you wish to move out that's fine but the bill money will be x until you do.

Also it's awful she's lost her mum BUT that doesn't give her free reign to be a sponge or act like a entitled sponge but then I moved out young

MeridianB · 07/12/2022 19:58

She should pay the same as her brother. If she complains about him earning more then suggest she solves the puzzle.

Stop buying her toiletries.

Her father needs to try to help/support/understand her emotionally as she sounds very immature and lacking in direction.

stepkids · 07/12/2022 21:39

@maddy68 that sounds very much like her
And your idea about all speaking on their turn is a good idea ❤️

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