How to be a Step-away-Step-parent.

[BecauseICan22]

So many threads on the politics and downsides of step-parenting, I get it, I'm married to someone who has children from his previous marriage. Nothing can prepare you for this life until you're in it living the situation.

What I've learned, thankfully very fast, is as follows:

1. Someone will always be pissed off with me. Either the SDC or their Mum or their Grandma. Interestingly, I think the adults always have more of an issue than the kids. Their feelings are not about me, I can't do anything to change them, I can only control myself and how I react to them.

1. Nothing I do will ever be good enough. I'm a good and kind person, so I may as well do what I want either way. They're going to be miserable and judgemental regardless.

1. I cannot be inclusive enough. Even when I break my back bending over backwards to please people, people are displeased. Now I state what's happening and when. It's up to DH and SDC to make it so they're part of it. If they're not, that's ok too.

1. My DH has a different style of parenting with his kids. If he is happy to proceed with something for his DC that isn't as I would for mine, I don't need to get involved so I don't.

1. I am not and was not responsible for my DH and his ex ex-wifes relationship or the environment that they created for my SDC. I can only deal with the here and the now. I don't need anyones approval or validation. My DH has to deal with his relationships, I support him and am there for my SDC's regardles, but I'm not going to try and fix anything I wasn't a part of.

1. My biggest lesson is that while I've been dealing with all this crap, I've missed out on time with my DC. I won't get that time back. My energy is precious and my time is precious, I'm going to make sure I apply it where I feel at my most peaceful and whole.

It is ok to not drag yourself down.
It is ok not to martyr yourself to please others.
It is ok to say no.
It is ok not to take it personally. It really isn't your issue.
It is ok to have a strong unit with your DH and your DC, you do not need to carry on guilt.

Everyone who you are trying to show that you're a good person to is never going to be satisfied. Just be a good person and don't compromise on your own self worth.

This is why I now step away and parent from a safe distance. I only engage when I feel valued. Everything else I disregard.

Excellent advice. I am feeling the not missing out on things with DC. Like you say I'm not getting that time back and I'm their mummy.

It doesn't mean you care for or even love your SDC any less.
Your DC deserve the best of their Mum. Guilt over the DSC isn't conducive to that. You can only do what you can do.

I never want my DC to grow up and feel that I was so bogged down with the emotional baggage of making things great for the SDC that I didn't factor in the needs of my DC.

I understand your struggle.

Yes this is so true. It isn't a one or the other situation.

100% agree.

This is so true; I realised fairly quickly in that my DSD is easy and the most simple part of the whole situation; it’s all the other adults involved that complicate things and I can’t and won’t ever please them all

So true ❤️❤️ need this pinned up at top of board

My favourite quote that applies to sp / others peoples opinions of you are none of your concern.

Please anyone reading this, add your own sanity saving theories.

I read somewhere here that a 'blended' family should be called a 'mangled' family. This is so disheartening.

We can only work with things in our control. Guilt is the key issue here for all of us.

Guilt that Dad (usually the Dad) is no longer with his DC's.

Guilt that the SDC's have 'missed out' and are missing out.

Guilt that people are not happy and down to us, the female, the nurturer to bridge that gap, to help, to bond and when that doesn't happen, we've somehow failed.

Guilt that we DARE to have happy moments with our spouse and our own biological children who are not his biological children so therefore it's just not fair.

Stop feeling guilt. So long as you are not doing anything sneaky to impact your SDC negatively, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
When you let go of that worry as to what others think of you and that you don't want to be seen as the evil stepmother, you're free.
People that want to think shitty things about you and your actions are going to think that regardless. So just be yourself. Life is so much simpler.

Just wanted to say thank you I needed to hear this

Top tip.

Embrace people thinking you are the evil stepmother, and if someone says something ridiculous just up the anty a tiny bit.

For instance "oh it's a shame teenage dsc didn't go to soft play with toddler dc"

Response "oh yes we don't like to let them out of their cage unless they are cleaning, scrubbing pots ect"

Say with completely straight face and matter of fact tone.

Let people realise they are being ridiculous, rather than something you have to change.

Works every single time .

Each child should be treated with love and affection , feel included and know that their family has their back. Regardless of family politics.

Plan your family life with your partner and child and if the step children want to join then that's great and if not don't give it a second thought it will drain you

If step children's mother/father bad mouth you or say something awful to you just respond with 'oh I'm sorry you feel that way, it must be very draining for you' and leave it at that

Never bad mouth your step childrens mother/father and they will notice that you don't and this WILL bode well when the stepchildren are teens/adults

If you want to go on holiday but can't afford to take the step children then you explain this to their mother/father if they can't help out via reducing maintenance or pay their child's share then you still go on holiday because the step children can't always be the star of the show and your child/children shouldn't miss out especially if stepchildren go on holiday with their family

Discipline your stepchildren as you would your own when under your care. This whole rubbish on here about how it's up to their parent to parent then is a load of rubbish. When in your home they abide by your rules and believe it or not when they grow up they will thank you for being a strong caregiver and notice how you treated them the same as your child

You don't have to praise the step children and tell them they are wonderful every second to make them like you, be honest as you would your own

Love this thread.

I've been a step mum for 4 years (DSD was 5, now 9) and I very quickly too came to realise that the only people around us causing drama were the adults, and never DSD. I couldn't ask for a better step-daughter. I've never tried to be in a mothering role & she doesn't see me as that either. We do nice things when she's round, we have lazy days when we don't do anything, I never dread the weekends and actually look forward to them, she will come up to me and give me a random hug which is lovely. I'm lucky though that my partner & I are on the same page and he has no guilt and doesn't 'Disney dad'.

I do find it ironic though that DSD's mum gave my partner such a hard time when he first wanted to introduce me to his daughter as apparently I was a 'rebound' yet here we are together stronger than ever after 4 years & DSD's mum has been with 3 different men all whom DSD has met. My partner has been dragged through mediation to try and reduce contact (so maintenance could be upped), only then a year later to go back to mediation to try and up the contact as that now suited her new job. Honestly a lot of behaviour from her & some family members have been shocking, but we've pushed through, stuck to the same routine, never bad mouthed, had a little rant here & then when needed to get it out our system, but always moved on and lived our life being happy. It's driven people mad!

I needed to read this, so thank you.

My DP has two children, as do I. My two girls are 16 and 14, he has a son of 14 and a daughter of 11. I've really been struggling over the past few months with his son.

He moans constantly about everything (including my daughters and their friends), he doesn't like anything I cook, won't eat vegetables, asks for alcohol (his mum lets him drink), nothing is good enough, he is literally moaning when he walks through the door, and doesn't stop. To start with I ran myself ragged trying to keep everyone happy, cooking two different dinners every night, one healthy with salad or veg, one for him, something different, but it made no difference.

It has been feeling like it's coming to a head recently, but actually I think I just need to step back. His mum treats him like a prince, he is a bit spoiled and gets everything he asks for. That's not his fault, but neither should I be running myself down, feeling like a failure because he expects the same from me. I suspect that she indulges him in part because it makes her feel that she's 'better' than me.

Always remember the children did not ask to be from a broken family.

Show kids love and respect, and show respect for their other parent, getting into negativity help's nobody

Finally for the children's sake ensure both their parents can be at key events even if the step parent has to take a back seat (literally at a wedding)

I agree with so much of what is said on here
Discipline- same for them as for mine, I do not engage
Never slag off their parents - absolutely true

But this one:
If you want to go on holiday but can't afford to take the step children then you explain this to their mother/father if they can't help out via reducing maintenance or pay their child's share then you still go on holiday because the step children can't always be the star of the show and your child/children shouldn't miss out especially if stepchildren go on holiday with their family.

• I totally disagree with. You are in effect saying please pay for my family to go on holiday if you want your child to be involved. This is not about being the star of the show - this is about seeing you blended family as your responisbility as the step and other parent. This is about the actual parent in the blended family not stepping up and going to the bank of guilt divorced parents to finance their lifestyle

So much shit written on this SM forum but on this thread mainly true

@lookluv

That's your opinion and I have mine. Remember the OP is looking for 'step-away' parenting not further ways to blend

Exactly quietnightmare - you can step away without being vindictive.

I take no part in finances, access etc it is what they work out. Likewise we do own and combined family holidays - i need to go overseas to see mine and DP does not want to drag his DCs to the other side of the world / nor afford it -so I take mine on my own whilst he does his own family things. No guilt, although I know his DCs would love to come but they understand this is v expensive. One is saving to come with us when they are 18!

So we do a europe holiday that we can afford for all DCS - no one excluded and no aggro asking their DM to contribute, take a reduction in maintenance etc.

There is stepping away and deliberate provocation which I do not support in any scenario. I respect me and my time without being made to feel guilty.

@lookluv
Vindictive. There is no need for abuse. You have clearly misunderstood.

7 - there’s no ‘bending over backwards’’ or ‘always being wrong’ if you marry a non-shitty human who made non-shitty choices, including in his choice of who to marry before you, and who is a non-shitty parent.

We’ve managed to navigate so much stuff just because husband is decent and made a decent choice to marry a decent woman and it just didn’t work out and now the decent people are decent parents who are trying to make things happen smoothly for their predictably decent kids.

No misinterpretation putting the onus on the other parent, for their children to have a holiday with the other parent and effectively pay / subsidise the new family is vindictive. Likewise is reducing maintenance to cover the 2 weeks holiday. Having it had it done to me - it is petty beyond belief and vindictive.

Yes MissTrip82 absolutely. I loved my Ex, reason why we had a 20 yr marriage. Whilst he has done some appalling stuff to me and forgotten his priorities at times - he is still a decent human being who needs help keeping on the right track. We treat each other now as we want to be treated and no we do not always agree with each other.
My DPs DCs are decent kids raised well - i do not have any digs about parenting in the other house - that is her way. Likewise I do not relate any fallouts DP and she have ,to her having a boyfriend or not. Just the normal rhythm of life. By not ebing part of that I step away from the daily grind and am bonus aunt.

@lookluv
Vindictive, honestly you need to calm down with the abuse. I won't be stopping my young child having a holiday because my husband pays maintenance for three children ages 17-22 when none of them are supposed to to have ANY maintenance paid to their mother for them and haven't supposed to have any for years as all left full time education at 16. The two eldest go on holiday with their friends and none of them go on family holidays with their mother anymore as they don't want to. But if they did want to come on holiday with us and their mother wants them to come on holiday with us then maintenance will be reduced for a few months to accommodate as they will all insist on their own rooms, it would be full price for meals, alcohol etc. but by your logic your saying I'm vindictive and my child shouldn't be allowed a holiday. I don't think so. Give you head a wobble

Am not being abusive -merely stating my opinion.

I step away from issues like yours and do not engage. I listen to DP and say you sort it your DCS.
He pays what they both think is appropriate for his DCS and he can continue paying for as long as he likes - not my business - by disengaging from what this issue and not giving it head space - I stay sane which is the point of this thread.

@lookluv

Oh bless you, calling someone vindictive is abusive.

There are no issues. I’m sorry your last on the list with your family and your DH doesn’t value your opinion. Now you have explained I understand why you’re so angry now. I don’t think abusing strangers on a forum who didn’t even speak to you in the first place seems at all sane. Stay strong.

Totally get that. My DH’s ex hates me. Weirdly, DH’s ex mother in law hates me too. When we saw her in the supermarket she called me a ‘slag’. I’ve literally never met the woman in my life, weird.

Quietnightmare - seriously, I said the actions were vindictive, which both you and your DP own, my opinion.
Abuse - seriously melodramatic but that goes with parts of your post.

I am not last in my family far from it. DP and I do not engage with each others maintenance arrangements - our blended family survives very well on equal contributions from both of us and separate arrangements for our own DCS out of our family. This is how we step away and dont get worked up about what is going on elsewhere. Our arrangement works for us and our EXs. WE value each others opinions but when EXs are concerned we keep our opinions to ourselves and have never had an argument over our childcare and maintenance arrangements as a consequence.

Could not live with the latent hatred you obviously have for the EX of your DP, life is too short and I prefer to stay calm and treat everyone with the respect and manner I would like to be treated with in our blended relationship.