How to be a Step-away-Step-parent.

[BecauseICan22]

So many threads on the politics and downsides of step-parenting, I get it, I'm married to someone who has children from his previous marriage. Nothing can prepare you for this life until you're in it living the situation.

What I've learned, thankfully very fast, is as follows:

1. Someone will always be pissed off with me. Either the SDC or their Mum or their Grandma. Interestingly, I think the adults always have more of an issue than the kids. Their feelings are not about me, I can't do anything to change them, I can only control myself and how I react to them.

1. Nothing I do will ever be good enough. I'm a good and kind person, so I may as well do what I want either way. They're going to be miserable and judgemental regardless.

1. I cannot be inclusive enough. Even when I break my back bending over backwards to please people, people are displeased. Now I state what's happening and when. It's up to DH and SDC to make it so they're part of it. If they're not, that's ok too.

1. My DH has a different style of parenting with his kids. If he is happy to proceed with something for his DC that isn't as I would for mine, I don't need to get involved so I don't.

1. I am not and was not responsible for my DH and his ex ex-wifes relationship or the environment that they created for my SDC. I can only deal with the here and the now. I don't need anyones approval or validation. My DH has to deal with his relationships, I support him and am there for my SDC's regardles, but I'm not going to try and fix anything I wasn't a part of.

1. My biggest lesson is that while I've been dealing with all this crap, I've missed out on time with my DC. I won't get that time back. My energy is precious and my time is precious, I'm going to make sure I apply it where I feel at my most peaceful and whole.

It is ok to not drag yourself down.
It is ok not to martyr yourself to please others.
It is ok to say no.
It is ok not to take it personally. It really isn't your issue.
It is ok to have a strong unit with your DH and your DC, you do not need to carry on guilt.

Everyone who you are trying to show that you're a good person to is never going to be satisfied. Just be a good person and don't compromise on your own self worth.

This is why I now step away and parent from a safe distance. I only engage when I feel valued. Everything else I disregard.

GENTLY JUMPING INTO SAY - unless anyone has got that golden handbook that says exactly what is and isn't allowed in a blended family.

Perhaps a live and let live approach without being nasty to each other would be good.

No one has the moral high ground regardless of how they split it. It's just what works.

Anyone find this magical rule book on Amazon pls link me. Until then...

Could not live with the latent hatred you obviously have for the EX of your DP, life is too short and I prefer to stay calm and treat everyone with the respect and manner I would like to be treated with in our blended relationship.

It’s lovely that your DP’s ex behaves in a way that you can take this attitude. Others are dealing with very different circumstances.

You don’t need to get ‘worked up’ because what happens elsewhere, and your partner’s choices, don’t adversely affect your household and disadvantage your children.

Same with your attitude to money. That comes from there being plenty to go around so you aren’t finding yourself having to subsidise your partner’s maintenance choices (not obligations, the choices over and above this).

People have different circumstances and take different approaches. It’s much easier to ‘step away’ when doing so doesn’t put you and your children in horrible positions. Many people aren’t in that position for a whole host of reasons.

@lookluv
I hope you find away to gain respect in your family and find away to resolve your anger issues. Your situation is clearly very difficult and I'm sure with some professional support you can find happiness on some level

This is excellent advice and I have only realised that this week due to an incident.

I realised that I have gone into this relationship as I did when I first married my ex and fell into the dutiful DIL category - doing this and that, attending Sunday lunch, putting up with shitty BIL , regular visits toIn Laws etc.

I became a SM 4 years ago and thought I would be kind and generous and treat my SC as if they were my own but I now see that the effort has been all from me. Of course kids will love their own parents but it has stunned me this week for my 18 year old SD to report to her Mum something I said and the Mum has come back to my H and rant on about what I said. The Mum never messages me, has never met me and has always been resentful about the marriage break up. I believe she hasn't got the guts to address me as she was and still tries to be an abusive bully to my H. She knows it won't work with me. It wasn't anything about the SD by the way or her Mum but too outing to go into details. I realised I fell into the same trap again - putting myself out for people because I wanted to do the right thing. Luckily both kids are much older now so at least past the stage of needing their clothes washed and being driven to the school bus