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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable or a wicked step mother??

48 replies

JR2311 · 03/12/2022 09:00

Long story short!…
Together for 16 years, married for 13 with two daughters; I have a step daughter who has never lived with us and in the beginning DH had fortnightly visiting rights at a contact centre. As she’s got older that relaxed and we saw her a bit more, we’re now grandparents. I get on well with her when we see each other but she’s more of a distant niece than a step daughter to me because the most time I’ve spent with her is no more than a couple of hours each time. Grandbaby is lush though; we live in Scotland and them in England so I’ve only met him once :( but are soon moving back to be closer to them.

We’ve always had a joint account, my money is his and his mine although we always consult before buying anything (I earn more, not sure that’s relevant!). The child maintenance always came out of the joint account which I was fine with, as did any spends when we saw her/birthdays etc. What I haven’t been fine with is that as she’s gotten older and we’ve paid out more money for her to seemingly fritter away on her lifestyle choices, my opinion doesn’t stand for anything (even though he asks me for it). Most recent example: she’s taken extended maternity leave and is now on stat mat pay, her partner works now and then. They went against our advice (OH advice as I’m not allowed to say anything) and before baby was born they rented privately rather than got a council house (too rough according to them); she decided to take extended mat lve, his work isn’t regular. They haven’t outright asked for ££ but have hinted that they’re struggling and OH wants to give them some, again I’m ok with that, what parent wouldn’t be?. What I’m not ok with is after she said they were struggling, they went out and got a couple of cats, so now have two more mouths to feed. The subject of money came up with OH, we couldn’t agree on what to give her so I suggested we meet in the middle, my reasoning was they can’t be that hard up if they’ve just bought cats (I’d do the same for my kids, they need to learn tough life lessons)
All hell broke loose and I was accused of making him feel guilty every time he wants to give her money/buy something for the house or baby etc (not that he ever does, I’m the one who has to choose the gifts and sort out the purchases etc, which I enjoy doing) anyways, he has since said he shouldn’t have to compromise on his daughter and grandson and has said he wants to split our finances so he isn’t made to feel guilty every time he wants to give her money, he said from now on he would pay for everything to do with his daughter and grandson. He also said he would pay me back for the money we’ve paid out for her these last 13 years so we’re even, and I no longer have a hold over him. I feel like we’re getting a divorce! :(
I don’t have an issue with money, my issue is not being listened to (it is half mine right?). I want to be a part of grandsons life and paying for things doesn’t even matter to me and I have no idea how this new arrangement will work in reality, apart from me having more money than him lol

Am I being really unreasonable here? I feel so guilty about the whole thing, I wish I’d just kept my mouth shut!

sorry, not a long story short at all!

OP posts:

SharpLily · 03/12/2022 09:03

I'm with you all the way, however there's clearly more to it for your husband - maybe guilt about not beng there for her childhood or something. It sounds like this could do with more discussion rather than him just chucking his toys out of the pram.

Original poster

JR2311 · 03/12/2022 09:21

Thank you! Yes he absolutely feels guilty, I know that for a fact :(

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 03/12/2022 09:24

Let him split our finances and he has to contribute to your joint household finances. Then he can do what he likes with his money.

I’m betting he’ll realise pretty quickly he can’t fund his adult daughters lifestyle and have money himself at the same time.

I wouldn’t make it a fight. It’s his choice.

MelchiorsMistress · 03/12/2022 09:28

He could listen to you and still want to spend more money than you do on his daughter.

If he wants to give them more of his share if the household money, then he should have that right. I wouldn’t fight him on that if he’s determined. Either separate your finances by keeping your own earnings and then contributing the same amount into a joint account to cover bills and expenses for your joint children, or put everything in a joint account and agree an amount that you can both transfer into a personal account to be spent as you wish. Then if your DH wants to spend his own money on his dd without consulting you he can, and you won’t have any reason to be bothered by it.

Original poster

JR2311 · 03/12/2022 09:29

Thank you, very good point!

OP posts:

Original poster

JR2311 · 03/12/2022 09:32

I need to add, it’s not a regular thing like a monthly allowance or anything, it’s just that when it happens it ends up being £hundreds and not just fifty quid here and there. So it does affect us that month

OP posts:

Kikkk · 03/12/2022 10:35

Let him split your finances then. He can then fritter away his money as much as he likes and it needn't concern you (providing he still contributes fairly toward your household, do not let him subsidize this by not contributing fairly to your bills/household).

In terms of you wanting to be involved with grandson, just buy him things out of your money if and when you want to.

We have separate finances, one of the reasons is precisely this, he doesn't always want my opinion on what he spends on his children and therefore I don't want to be responsible for paying for it in that case so we have separate accounts and he can do what he likes with his and me mine. I do still buy DSC some things as and when I want but DH is responsible from his money for the main things they need, clothes, uniform, presents for birthdays ect.

It's much easier imo. We still have a joint account and put enough in there to pay for all bills and the mortgage but have our own spends after that.

MintJulia · 03/12/2022 10:40

Time to split your finances. He and his daughter are taking advantage.

Cornelious · 03/12/2022 11:01

Dh and I have separate finances. I think we'd step families are involved separate finances set ups are good.
I wouldn't like somebody telling me what I should and shouldn't spend on my child. He's being petty saying he's going to pay you back for the 13 years. Going forward I'd let him crack on with it.

Bananarama21 · 03/12/2022 11:04

He sounds like he was a shit absent father at best. So making up for it as in adulthood and has a baby. You sound awfully judgemental of them it's hard to get a council house, what else could they do but rent even then at the moment it's difficult there's a housing crisis.

Original poster

JR2311 · 03/12/2022 14:00

Not judgmental, they turned down a council house because they didn’t like it

OP posts:

DrMarciaFieldstone · 03/12/2022 14:09

Split your finances and he can can be the Disney dad and spend what he wants, and if he then runs short, that’s his problem.

TheYummyPatler · 03/12/2022 14:12

DrMarciaFieldstone · 03/12/2022 14:09

Split your finances and he can can be the Disney dad and spend what he wants, and if he then runs short, that’s his problem.

I agree with this.

If she’s old enough to have a baby, she’s old enough to take financial responsibility for her life.

And your DH is also more than old enough to take financial responsibility for his life and his choices.

LolaSmiles · 03/12/2022 14:14

Let him split finances then. He has to continue to make the same contribution to household costs and bills, then what's left of his money is his to spend as he sees fit, and as he wants split finances you're subsidising his hobby spends or personal spends if he insists on funding his daughter's lifestyle choices

Quiegal · 03/12/2022 17:25

I agree that if they struggling already with a baby they shouldn't buy cats.

But if you coming across he can't buy stuff for his daughter to him you need to split your finances.

But the only thing with that now is he paying to help your SD then he be out of money and you have to cover the things needed. Unless you feel he able to avoid the amounts he gives. And still have money towards everything.

hourbyhour101 · 03/12/2022 18:59

@Quiegal

But the only thing with that now is he paying to help your SD then he be out of money and you have to cover the things needed.

I don't mean to be picky here but this bit you put here is literally op subsiding DHs spending and having to pick up the slack.
Which isn't on actually.

Her DH can spend what he wants on his Dc and grandbaby but he absolutely is accountable for 50% of his portion of the bills. Legally so and otherwise.

Echoing others here op, most blended families (although MN strongly disagrees) have separate finances. It just takes the heat out of all the debates over money.

Is it traditional ? No, but in the traditional model anyway most women get screwed.
Don't willingly do it to yourself.

He's playing on your emotions so that you don't look at what he's actually saying.

I don't think your annoyed at DSC I think your pissed off at your DH for making you feel bad for his lack of boundaries and actually I don't blame you.

If this was about Dc most people would say the same - she's taking the piss but only because he's letting her.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 03/12/2022 19:19

If the boot was on the other foot and she was your daughter OP, how would you feel if your husband kept complaining about how much help you were giving to her?

Forget the ruddy council house (or the cats) - you are being mean here.. it could have been awful - a lot of them are especially the ones that have been lived in by some old person who has died or in a bad area.

I think your husband must be feeling bad on her behalf and that is why he wants to help. Naturally he does not want her or the baby to have a poor life. Just as long as it does not go on ad infinitum.

crussont · 03/12/2022 20:06

If he'll feel better with a seperate account then do it. We have 3 accounts, joint and then a "spending" account each.

MeridianB · 03/12/2022 21:50

frazzledasarock · 03/12/2022 09:24

Let him split our finances and he has to contribute to your joint household finances. Then he can do what he likes with his money.

I’m betting he’ll realise pretty quickly he can’t fund his adult daughters lifestyle and have money himself at the same time.

I wouldn’t make it a fight. It’s his choice.

This.

Because this situation could escalate to more money, more often. And it could go on for years and years. If your DH is battling years of guilt and wants to buy himself out of it then he can do that with his disposable income, not joint funds.

You did a decent thing by contributing to the child maintenance. But now it sounds as if he’s got too used to thinking of your money as helping to support his DD.

sunlight81 · 03/12/2022 21:51

Blended Fams are tough and for the same reasons as everyone else it seems we do the norm and have 3 -accounts. A personal
Each and a joint we put half of the bill Money in.

Let him ease his guilt using his own money, split ur finances and leave him to it!

ForgetBarbie · 03/12/2022 21:55

It’s clearly in YOUR best interests for you guys to have split finances so what’s the issue?

Doodledeedum · 03/12/2022 21:57

Sounds to me like you're just trying TK point out the obvious and he doesn't want to hear it and is getting overly emotional about it.

Obvious being that if you're struggling with money you wouldn't be doing some of the things they're doing...

However we don't know what tone and angle you speak to DH in - maybe he's picking up on a different vibe from you?

On this subject and story I think : YANBU

ConnieTucker · 03/12/2022 22:00

in the beginning DH had fortnightly visiting rights at a contact centre.
this is extreme so obviously there is a huge backstory regarding her childhood and your dh. She had trauma as a child. She makes reckless decisions as an adult.

i think splitting finances is the only sensible possibility.

Ivyonafence · 03/12/2022 22:06

It sounds like there is more to it than just this issue.

Could you have three accounts? One shared, one yours to do with as you please and one for him to do with as he pleases?

It is annoying that they took on new pets and turned down council housing while you are subsidising them. I understand that if it was your child you would treat them the same, but it's not the same because it's already a relationship that's been strained by him not being around when she was young. I'd just give them the money you can afford to and then adopt the attitude of it being gone and none of your business what they do.

Managinggenzoclock · 03/12/2022 22:06

I think you’re being unreasonable. It’s really very common for grandparents to help their adult kids out. Of my fairly ordinary middle class friends almost all have ad hoc financial support and/or free childcare. I think you should just accept he feels differently to you.

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