Am I being unreasonable or a wicked step mother??

[JR2311]

Long story short!…
Together for 16 years, married for 13 with two daughters; I have a step daughter who has never lived with us and in the beginning DH had fortnightly visiting rights at a contact centre. As she’s got older that relaxed and we saw her a bit more, we’re now grandparents. I get on well with her when we see each other but she’s more of a distant niece than a step daughter to me because the most time I’ve spent with her is no more than a couple of hours each time. Grandbaby is lush though; we live in Scotland and them in England so I’ve only met him once :( but are soon moving back to be closer to them.

We’ve always had a joint account, my money is his and his mine although we always consult before buying anything (I earn more, not sure that’s relevant!). The child maintenance always came out of the joint account which I was fine with, as did any spends when we saw her/birthdays etc. What I haven’t been fine with is that as she’s gotten older and we’ve paid out more money for her to seemingly fritter away on her lifestyle choices, my opinion doesn’t stand for anything (even though he asks me for it). Most recent example: she’s taken extended maternity leave and is now on stat mat pay, her partner works now and then. They went against our advice (OH advice as I’m not allowed to say anything) and before baby was born they rented privately rather than got a council house (too rough according to them); she decided to take extended mat lve, his work isn’t regular. They haven’t outright asked for ££ but have hinted that they’re struggling and OH wants to give them some, again I’m ok with that, what parent wouldn’t be?. What I’m not ok with is after she said they were struggling, they went out and got a couple of cats, so now have two more mouths to feed. The subject of money came up with OH, we couldn’t agree on what to give her so I suggested we meet in the middle, my reasoning was they can’t be that hard up if they’ve just bought cats (I’d do the same for my kids, they need to learn tough life lessons)
All hell broke loose and I was accused of making him feel guilty every time he wants to give her money/buy something for the house or baby etc (not that he ever does, I’m the one who has to choose the gifts and sort out the purchases etc, which I enjoy doing) anyways, he has since said he shouldn’t have to compromise on his daughter and grandson and has said he wants to split our finances so he isn’t made to feel guilty every time he wants to give her money, he said from now on he would pay for everything to do with his daughter and grandson. He also said he would pay me back for the money we’ve paid out for her these last 13 years so we’re even, and I no longer have a hold over him. I feel like we’re getting a divorce! :(
I don’t have an issue with money, my issue is not being listened to (it is half mine right?). I want to be a part of grandsons life and paying for things doesn’t even matter to me and I have no idea how this new arrangement will work in reality, apart from me having more money than him lol

Am I being really unreasonable here? I feel so guilty about the whole thing, I wish I’d just kept my mouth shut!

sorry, not a long story short at all!

You are very reasonable. When I got married, I got a step son. One of my close friends said something in the lines "no matter what you say about that child, you'll always be wrong, so save yourself some trouble and shut up". Best advice ever. Don't doubt yourself because some people around you are irresponsible. I grew up in extreme poverty in a 2 bed room council apartment and my parents only had one kid (me), no pets etc. there's no need to breed more poverty

I maybe if you split finances he'll realise that he's not doing her, or himself any favours

I’m not quite sure why you thought she’d get a council house just because she was pregnant?

Yanbu. Nothing wrong with helping adult children out, but your SD and her partner don't seem to be helping themselves. The partner needs to get off his arse and find full time work. Also agree about splitting the finances, let him spend his own money on propping up his daughter and her lazy partners lifestyle, instead of you

Where in England are they handing out council houses? Where I live (south) people are in emergency/temporary housing for years before they’re offered council housing.

You are being very judgemental about them turning down the council housing when you haven't indicated they have any priority e.g. a disability to be housed.

I live in London and there is random council housing dotted amongst private homes. Talking to council tenants for the last 20 odd years there is always something that means they are a priority to be housed, and they have always turned down the first and/or second place they are offered. They turn them down due to gangs, neighbours whose reputation goes before them, terrible local schools, etc.

Anyway split finances. He can pay for his adult child himself.

It’s the same in the Midlands now too.

This sounds as much about values as it is about you being a stepmum.

From your post I imagine you'd have the same view if it was your bio child. It's not that you don't want to support, it's that quite frankly getting pets when you're struggling with your immediate family is not a smart decision.

I agree that splitting finances is the only option. I also agree your husband's guilt is clouding things here.

Good luck (and no, you aren't wicked!)

I have axe to grind but I think you do sound judgemental. You are giving money conditionally ie based on whether you agree with their lifestyle. It is unkind. If they were pissing it up the way maybe you have a point but they aren't. Giving some money to help out a child and grandchild should not be given with strings. I think you might regret this rift in your family.

They should be able to
Choose where they want to live
Get a cat

You are saying your help is dependent on them acting in the way that you would. This is unpleasant. Money or help that has strings attached leads to resentment.

Parents who love their kids often help them even if they disagree with them. I know my mum has helped me because she wants my life to be easier. I think as a step parent you look on it differently.

As adults they should be able to choose this and pay for it.

Thats how this stuff works.

The OP does not have to unconditionally give money to this adult SC’s family. Nor does she have to subsidise her husband to do so.

@cansu I'm a mum and frankly I would look poorly if my Dd made the same choices as a adult as OPs DSD and expected for me and her dad to find her life.

But really it's about values and levels of entitlement tbh

They should also pay for it.

Yanbu op. Call his bluff, split finances and see how long he lasts before he has to start saying no.

Also, ffs rtft people. Op has clearly said they've been offered a council property and turned it down. It's not unusual to get council housing/ HA housing in some places (I'm in the north, thank god)

I'd take him up on that offer to split finances BUT I wouldn't split the total 50:50. Separate accounts for your own wages, split savings in half now, then contribute exactly 50:50 to the bills.

I think your husband is a cheeky bastard, tbh, just like his daughter and her boyfriend.

Many parents buy or pay for things for their adult children. If this was the OP child this would be dealt with differently.

Many parents buy or pay for things for their adult children. If this was the OP child this would be dealt with differently.
Of course many parents buy things for their adult children.

Most don't expect another adult who isn't their child's other parent to either fund their adult child's lifestyle choices or top their piggy bank up because they've chosen to prioritise bankrolling their adult child's wants.

I agree that the contact centre info comment may be very relevant here,

Good advice here.

Separate finances would be wise.

This is likely to continue.

I don’t know any parents bar the royal family, who fund their adult children’s lifestyle.

by all means make choices and ask for parental help (if you want) but don’t expect you’re parents to to pay for your household forever. That’s insane.

I‘d do the three accounts thing - you and your partner both put bills/shared life money in one and then your partner can do what he wants from the remainder and so can you.

I don‘t really think this is just a step kid issue. I think that both partners (whether step or bio) should get to choose together how they support adult children. There’s no ‚right or wrong‘ and I bet you see similar conflicts between couples with bio kids.

In my own values system, there’s a difference of saving to get your kids a start (which me and DH are doing) and providing a slush fund for a child running out of cash - as a young woman, I was very strapped for cash at a couple of points when I bought a flat on my own so I got a second job for a bit. I’d have never ever have asked my parents, why should they be left short, have a holiday fund eaten etc, because of me! But that‘s my value, I understand others think differently.

The point is though, OP, you either get to be part of choosing this, according to your values - or you don‘t have to pay.

But bailing them out constantly teaches them no life lessons but to fritter more money away. Like others have said.

It's a fact not a thought, she was offered one and turned it down