DSD kissing DD on face

[OhhSugar]

Firstly, I love my DSD and I'm so pleased that she doesn't feel pushed out and is always so excited to see the baby. DSD is 8 and DD is 5 months.

However, DSD is off school quite frequently with different illnesses (D&V last week for 3 days, a bad cold the week before for 2 days and a temperature and pale face the week before that) and when DD was 3 weeks old and just out of neonatal, she kissed her all over her face and gave us all the most god awful cold.

With most things I try and see it like DSD lives here full time and is my full biological daughter to do the right thing by her. For example we have 3 bedrooms, and although DSD is only here once a week (her choice) she has the bigger bedroom out of the two girls, even though we really really need the space. Because if she was my DD and here full time, she would have that bedroom.

However she keeps kissing her on her lips, sucking her dummy rather than sterilising it and then giving it to her, trying a cucumber stick with her but sucking it first etc...

I really don't want to upset DSD or DH (DH is more likely to kick up a fuss to be fair) but I feel I need to protect my babies privacy!

I don't think I'm being unfair here but opinions welcome.

It's just clear boundaries. Tell her babies pick up germs easily so no kissing her face unless she asks you first or tell her to kiss her head instead

First of all, you sound like a lovely stepmum.
That being said, yes of course it's not unreasonable to want to protect your DD from viruses and bugs where possible.
Given that it seems you have a really positive relationship with DSD, I'd try framing it as something grown ups have to be careful of - acting carefully around little babies, especially during the winter months when so many illnesses are floating about - and framing it that as baby's big sister, she can share in the responsibility of protecting her. Explain that a bug that might give DSD a bad cold and send her to bed for a day or so, could put baby in hospital, sternish-look "and none of us would want to do that, would we?"
I'd nix the sharing things in baby's mouth - explain that that's something you do with someone's permission, she wouldn't just shove a half-eaten cucumber stick in your mouth (I hope!) so she must stop doing that. Ditto the dummy.
Just remind her she's still your fave grown up girl and treat her as the more mature one, hopefully it will encourage her to model your behaviour :)

Well I wouldn't stop the kissing, it's lovely that she loves her so much. But she'd be getting the smaller room in my house.

I’d kindly explain to her that she shouldn’t kiss anyone when there’s bugs going around at school. It wouldn’t be safe for baby to catch it. Also, the bigger room should go to the Dd that lives in the house full time. It’s not very fair that Dsd has the bigger room when she’s only there once a week and has two bedrooms (one at mum’s). Dd will only have one bedroom.

I would say no to kissing on the lips and sucking the dummy (🤢 I've never understood why people do this). Those are things I would not have done with my dc's as babies and wouldn't have allowed my older one to do to the youngest either. I'm confused by the sucking food before giving it to the baby? Does dsd give a reason for doing this? I'd put a stop to that as well, it's strange and unhygienic.

IMO kissing on the cheek or forehead are fine. And when it comes to illnesses, kids tend to give you their illness when they live with you regardless of whether they've kissed your face or not. Viruses spread so easily between households, frequent illnesses are just a part of life with young dcs.

Tbh I think you are letting your fear of excluding dsd override common sense here. Older siblings should be told not to do certain things to baby siblings whether they are full, half or step siblings. It's lovely that you don't want her to feel pushed out but ask yourself whether you would let your own child do that to their baby sibling and then you'll know whether to say something.

With my own DD I didn’t let her do the dummy thing or food like that; I also didn’t encourage kissing on the lips. Once younger DS was a toddler it changed as they were as bad as each other but there’s nothing wrong with discouraging that at this age

I’m not sure babies need privacy, but this is a good opportunity to teach hygiene/ being considerate when you have a cold.

However, it’s nice to see that covid hasn’t completely put children off touching others ☺️

If it were me i’d stop the sucking on babies food and dummy, though she may have seen an adult do the dummy thing as I know some mums do that.

personally I wouldn’t stop the kissing on the lips, unless she was currently unwell with something. I’ve never tried to stop germs spreading in our house via limiting physical contact unless someone has had a particular nasty bug…even then in didn’t work because it must spread through living in the same space anyway.

YANBU. I pick my own DD up on these things and she's 4. Don't spend your life tiptoeing around her.

My opinion is that you owe your own DD more than you owe any other child in the world.
Your baby's health comes before what DSD wants to do. Baby can't say ""hey sis, that's disgusting, please stop sucking my dummy and shoving it in my face" so you have to for her.

No sucking dummy or kissing on face you don't want your little sis getting ill.

But kissing when well on face, cuddling is fine she showing love.

Just be careful in your approach to how you handle it.

Speak to your DH first get him on board.

I do you think your a great SM too.

DSD is eight. She's just lived through the pandemic. Sure to understand a bit about germs and cross infection already, just extend it.

She needs to be told that sucking the dummy/babyfood and mouth kissing baby is a total No No; and people with colds and tummy bugs don't kiss anyone at all on the face. Explain to her that baby knows nothing at all about germs and hygeine because she's just a baby. Unlike responsible sensible trusted Big Girl Sis age 8 .

Of course we can kiss/hug/cuddle/feed baby when we don't have any bugs that might make her sick; discuss how Doctor DSD can check our health status today. (hot? runny nose? cough? runny poo? No ticks, you're fine!)

This.

Show her other ways to show affection that you are happy with.

No one should be kissing babies on the lips.

Just explain that she shouldn't kiss on the lips or suck the dummy in case she passes on her germs. My eldest is 8 and understands not to kiss the youngest on the lips but to do so on the head etc instead. My youngest loves being kissed on the feet and tummy so we also encourage that along with cuddles.

Again just explain it's not nice to lick her sisters food. I'm not sure why she's doing that because presumably she wouldn't like it if you licked her food. It's the sort of thing my 3 year old would do to her sister when trying to get a reaction.

Meh, wouldn’t bother me.
Kids get germs, you can’t really protect them.

Of course you can, but it won't happen while you're not bothering to do minor things to prevent it. Obviously it won't stop your child ever getting ill, nor should you want it to, but at least SOME illness can be bypassed by not slobbering all over the child.

No one should be kissing a baby on the lips or ducking their food or their dummy. That’s disgusting, unnecessary and dangerous. No child in a home for one day a week should get a bigger bedroom than one who’s there 24/7. And babies have shit loads of stuff and you need space for it.

You need to properly examine this “if she were mine” attitude. If she was yours you’d be stamping down on this stuff hard to keep your younger child safe. You’re dancing around it because you don’t feel secure enough to set boundaries. It might not be easy but you have a very young baby who needs protecting. Step up and do it.

Tbh after the gross cold incident you should have started taking this seriously rather than waiting months and risking your baby getting d&v which can be very dangerous.

It sounds like you know DP won’t back you up and will have a tantrum. Is that right? Why doesn’t he prioritise the safety of his baby over the wishes of his older child?

I’ve got a 3 year old and I’m pregnant, no way will I let her do any of this, neither would DH.

Part of being a parent is doing uncomfortable things for the good of your child. Get used to it, it’s going to keep happening.

I agree with @readings and @AnneLovesGilbert . Stop all the face/mouth kissing and dummy/food licking straight away. It’s really gross. There are lots of nice ways to explain it, but it should be taken seriously and DH should support.

Also lots of ways to ensure your DSD feels secure and loved when she’s with you, but her needs should not always be put before the baby’s.

Same.

Why on earth would your partner be kicking up a fuss about it??? It's his child too...

What do you mean protect your baby’s privacy? What does it have the do with privacy?

The kissing I don’t think is a big deal - she will be breathing those germs on the baby anyway. Food and dummies, just say ‘don’t put it in your mouth then the baby’s mouth.’ If you tell her she’ll know.

But I don’t know what’s ‘disgusting’ about kissing your baby sister’s face. There’s nothing ‘disgusting’ about it.

It’s all very well saying ‘if she were my DD and if she were here FT…’ but that’s not the reality.

She isn’t your DD, which is why you feel so wary of raising the problematic behaviour with her father. And she isn’t there FT or even close to it.

Accepting that reality is helpful. Recognising that’s how things are and that’s OK is really important in a stepfamily. It lets you make sensible and pragmatic decisions, like allocating bedroom space according to actual use.

Setting boundaries about how you stepdaughter can show her affection for the baby is helpful for everyone. Absolutely one kisses my toddler on the lips (at least not voluntarily); I have put lots of effort in to getting him to understand that cheek kisses are lovely, but mouth kisses are not (and licks are not good either). I mean, his slobbery cheek kisses are often not actually lovely either - but they are what they are.

There is nothing wrong with setting clear expectations for your DSD. Rules around where kisses are appropriate and the frequency and volume of kisses are fine. You and your husband can agree on what you think is appropriate for your family.

Similarly, setting expectations that DSD doesn’t touch and such the baby’s dummy or lick her food are fine. Give her a clear idea of what she can do that would be helpful instead. If she sees the baby drop the dummy, she could pick it up and put it in the sink for you/her dad or come and tell you so you can replace it with a clean one.

Redirect her enthusiasm in ways you’re more comfortable with. She won’t feel pushed out if you’re simply teaching her how to show affection and help her sibling appropriately.

It is actually exactly what you’d be doing if she were your DD.

Accepting that reality is helpful. Recognising that’s how things are and that’s OK is really important in a stepfamily. It lets you make sensible and pragmatic decisions, like allocating bedroom space according to actual use.

I agree with this tbh. In terms of the bedroom thing you shouldn't really just be thinking what would you do if she were your child, you should be thinking what would you do if she were your child and she only lived there one day a week, because that's the reality.