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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSD kissing DD on face

46 replies

OhhSugar · 03/12/2022 08:42

Firstly, I love my DSD and I'm so pleased that she doesn't feel pushed out and is always so excited to see the baby. DSD is 8 and DD is 5 months.

However, DSD is off school quite frequently with different illnesses (D&V last week for 3 days, a bad cold the week before for 2 days and a temperature and pale face the week before that) and when DD was 3 weeks old and just out of neonatal, she kissed her all over her face and gave us all the most god awful cold.

With most things I try and see it like DSD lives here full time and is my full biological daughter to do the right thing by her. For example we have 3 bedrooms, and although DSD is only here once a week (her choice) she has the bigger bedroom out of the two girls, even though we really really need the space. Because if she was my DD and here full time, she would have that bedroom.

However she keeps kissing her on her lips, sucking her dummy rather than sterilising it and then giving it to her, trying a cucumber stick with her but sucking it first etc...

I really don't want to upset DSD or DH (DH is more likely to kick up a fuss to be fair) but I feel I need to protect my babies privacy!

I don't think I'm being unfair here but opinions welcome.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Tigger7654 · 05/12/2022 23:18

That's lovely but the reality is she's not your DD and she doesn't live FT with you. Put proper boundaries in place and give her the smaller room 🤷

musingsinmidlife · 06/12/2022 14:12

She is 8, there is nothing wrong with teaching her how to be healthy and to have healthy habits regardless of her being your biological daughter, your adopted daughter, your step daughter, your favourite niece etc.

Teach her about baby immune systems and how she can help keep baby healthy. Teach her how best to show affection and love.

Model healthy habits for her, she can see how you interact with baby and show love in a healty way and suggest she copy that.

Anuta77 · 07/12/2022 04:19

aSofaNearYou · 03/12/2022 11:27

YANBU. I pick my own DD up on these things and she's 4. Don't spend your life tiptoeing around her.

Exactly this. Do what you would do if it were your daughter. In my experience when you walk on eggshells trying not to be a wicked SM, they start taking you for granted and might even start disrespecting you later (especially when she hits puberty). We all have our tolerance limits and its ok to have yours, you dont need other peoples validation, if youre not comfortable with something, it`s ok.

Im no longer shy in telling my now 16 yo SD not to do things I dont like. It doesnt have to affect our relationship, as she understood that part of respect is accepting my limits the same way I accept hers. Recently I learned that she was kissing my son on the lips (I guess her mother does this to her). Apparently she did it several times and my 5 year old even started arguing with me that its ok. Because I missed it before, I now I need to teach him too.

Knowing that I don`t always agree with things, she sometimes asks me whether something is ok. Last time it was to take a shower with him (!).

I also think that when someone is sick they shouldn`t purposely get too close to others. Last time SD layed down next to my son on the sofa when she developped symptoms, me and him got sick. She was sick one day, we were sick way longer. Now I will be more strict about it.

allboysmum3 · 07/12/2022 14:29

Your step daughter should have the smaller bedroom and I would most definitely be telling her to stop kissing her on the lips and sucking on her dummy as it's gross!

lookluv · 07/12/2022 16:48

OP set some boundaries - life will be calmer.

As to the bedroom - your new baby is 5 months old- I think you have done the right thing so far, so she has not felt pushed out by the new arrival. Now would be the time to suggest doing up the smaller room in her taste make it special and her space. To have booted her to the small room when the baby arrived would have set such a bad tone to the arrival of her new sibling

candycane10 · 07/12/2022 16:52

Sucking the dummy and putting food in your Dds mouth after putting it in her own is gross. I'd have a gentle conversation with her about this as I would if my DS was doing this with his full sibling Dd. This is as much about teaching him good hygiene and manners

I absolutely would not be stopping siblings kissing on the lips. I was actually quite sad reading so many people think it's wrong

A few months time and your Dd will be crawling around touching all sorts then putting her hand in her mouth. Everything in sight will go straight in her mouth. I even caught my Dd licking the floor not much older than 5 months.

I think it's wrong to try and have babies in a bubble as they need to be exposed to a reasonable level of germs. I presume she'll soon be at nursery herself and then passing things on to your dsd. It goes both ways

GripeGrape · 07/12/2022 21:21

It's just basic hygiene... something it's important for kids to know about. If she was your daughter I imagine you would already have taught her about not passing germs this way etc.

TheYummyPatler · 07/12/2022 21:39

I absolutely would not be stopping siblings kissing on the lips. I was actually quite sad reading so many people think it's wrong

why do they need to kiss on the lips?

I don’t kiss my children on the lips. They don’t kiss each other on the lips.

That’s not sad. It’s just the kind of kisses that feel appropriate to the relationship.

Original poster

OhhSugar · 08/12/2022 10:34

Sorry for the delayed replies...

I spoke to DH and he agreed, in fact he'd already tried to approach it gently last week but had to be a little firmer with it this week.

Of course DD is going to get bugs, of course she's going to lick the floor and explore the world at her own will - but I don't kiss her lips, I would never repeatedly kiss her lips over and over.

To all those of who said if DD was my child, I'd have approached it with DSD already - you're totally right and I'd never even thought of that!

We spoke to DSD and she has understood that she isn't to kiss the baby on her lips.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/12/2022 19:20

Well done. Hope things continue to improve. Both of the children in your family matter but the actual needs of one sometimes trumps the wishes of the other, often the case when one is a tiny baby who can’t advocate for themselves.

Success in blended families relies on a constant balancing of needs and wants of all members, my goodness I have been there. Open communication and honesty always help. Enjoy your baby and good luck ☺️

Ittakesavineyard · 09/12/2022 12:14

You need to set boundaries with your DSD and not let her do any of that.
Also take the bigger bedroom if you need it.. make a big deal of redecorating the smaller one or whatever… she’ll survive xx

Zodfa · 11/02/2023 08:41

The tone of your post doesn't really suggest you see DSD as part of your family. You don't need to frame this as a "privacy" issue for the baby, as if DSD was an outsider - it's perfectly fine just not to want big sister to infect little sister.

And of course the bigger girl should have the bigger room, particularly with this age gap. By the time your baby catches up with her size DSD will probably have long left home!

warmlights · 11/02/2023 08:50

Poor little girl, she’s 8 and excited to have a little baby sister, it’s probably the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to her and she’s telling all her friends at school all about her. I had a baby cousin at that age and adored him like nothing else. When your DD is 8 you’ll realise that they are still only little at that age and may regret how you’ve dealt with your DSD. Sure put in boundaries about kissing on lips when she has a cold but with kindness and understanding that she loves your baby which is better than her resenting her or being difficult.

hourbyhour101 · 11/02/2023 16:35

ZOMBIE 🧟‍♀️ thread. And as much as I'm sure op appreciates the advice I'm sure she's long gone by now...

Suzi888 · 11/02/2023 16:40

Firstly swap the bedrooms around. It’s just practical!

Secondly kisses on forehead or cheek only and no sucking food then giving to baby 🤢never, ever did this. We are not birds.

You do sound like a lovely step mum though.

BungleandGeorge · 11/02/2023 16:43

i don’t think you can really avoid others getting bugs from small kids. Sucking dummy/food is disgusting though, I’d be intervening with those!

Versailles2023 · 11/02/2023 16:46

Don’t encourage this. I think kids being kissed on the lips by anyone is unacceptable even their parents.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 11/02/2023 16:52

I think it's really nice that DSD loves DD so much. I wouldn't tell her not to kiss her on the lips or face. We all get germs from all over. I would think you were being a bit pfb or maybe germ phobic. Once you have had a few colds your resilience goes up.

musicalgymball · 11/02/2023 17:23

@AnneLovesGilbert
"Part of being a parent is doing uncomfortable things for the good of your child. Get used to it, it’s going to keep happening."

100% this.
The older child needs to have boundaries set to protect the younger child. Regardless of whether it's your biological child or not.

Also, use the larger room for the baby who's there 24/7. It's extremely favouritist and unfair on the child who's there all the time to give a bigger room to one who is only there 1/7th of the time. One day your baby will be old enough to start to understand and then they'll really start to resent it. Fairness is a very big issue between siblings.

FfoxRedN · 17/02/2023 21:53

OhhSugar · 08/12/2022 10:34

Sorry for the delayed replies...

I spoke to DH and he agreed, in fact he'd already tried to approach it gently last week but had to be a little firmer with it this week.

Of course DD is going to get bugs, of course she's going to lick the floor and explore the world at her own will - but I don't kiss her lips, I would never repeatedly kiss her lips over and over.

To all those of who said if DD was my child, I'd have approached it with DSD already - you're totally right and I'd never even thought of that!

We spoke to DSD and she has understood that she isn't to kiss the baby on her lips.

I really struggle with kissing children on the lips.
My DH still kisses his DD's (12,10) on the lips and I find it awkward. I now do cheek kisses only but I don't know when he will stop 🤷🏼‍♀️. If we ever have a child, I'm not sure how I'll broach this subject and come to an agreement as he's quite adamant about doing it

AltheaVestr1t · 18/02/2023 11:10

Kanaloa · 05/12/2022 12:21

But I don’t know what’s ‘disgusting’ about kissing your baby sister’s face. There’s nothing ‘disgusting’ about it.

This. People are weird. I'm betting these are the same people who are prudish about family nudity.

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