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Step-parenting

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Original poster

So WWYD?

54 replies

Pebblesnose · 30/11/2022 10:45

I saw on another thread a poster saying you shouldn't become a step parent without having a discussion about what you'd do if both parents were unable to look after the DC.

It got me thinking because I've never had a discussion with DH about what would happen with DSC if he were to pass away or some other reason he may be unable to care for DSC.

I think anyone who'd just take on DSC too without a thought is a saint tbh but I don't think I could do it personally.

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funinthesun19 · 30/11/2022 12:28

And therefore would have a plan in place for if he ever dies.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/11/2022 12:39

For people who do have shared children and have discussed guardianship if you both die while they’re minors did you also discuss what would happen to the DSC? Or not because you assume their other parent would still be alive? We’ve covered nearly all possible bases out of excessive caution. Most of these things are highly unlikely but I’d rather we’d gone through it all now rather than once something horrific has happened.

On the friends we’ve asked and who’ve asked us, we’re all close and have been open about our plans so it was just “will you have A if we die, if B and C are also with us ft cos mum has died would you consider it, oh and in the very unlikely circumstances that D and E have died and we’ve got their child F, you’ll get her too (hollow laugh)”.

But we’re not all going to die at the same time so if DSC mum dies first we’ll amend our plans as needed. Likewise if we get child F. None of this is going to happen on the same day and we update our wills/wishes regularly.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 30/11/2022 12:43

My Dss's Mum died last year, if Anything happened to DP, Dss would stay with me.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 30/11/2022 12:44

Just to add Dp and I dont have dc together but if anything happened to me my dc would stay with him (although they are older)

aSofaNearYou · 30/11/2022 12:45

ErinAoife · 30/11/2022 12:23

What happens if the mother died and your husband wants his kid to live with you and let say your husband died a year later, are you going to get rid of his kid?

As I said before I suppose it depends what had happened in the year he lived with us full time and what kind of relationships had been formed. At this point in time I couldn't say with certainty that the cohabiting relationship would survive him moving in full time, but if it did perhaps we'd have settled into a relationship where it felt natural for him to stay with me.

As it is though I'd say his relatives were a more natural fit.

chikp · 30/11/2022 14:45

Pebblesnose · 30/11/2022 10:45

I saw on another thread a poster saying you shouldn't become a step parent without having a discussion about what you'd do if both parents were unable to look after the DC.

It got me thinking because I've never had a discussion with DH about what would happen with DSC if he were to pass away or some other reason he may be unable to care for DSC.

I think anyone who'd just take on DSC too without a thought is a saint tbh but I don't think I could do it personally.

Already sorted. They will go to his ex's family

Lilithslove · 30/11/2022 19:49

aSofaNearYou · 30/11/2022 10:47

I wouldn't even consider this, tbh. I'd expect DSS to go to either grandparents or aunts/uncles on either side.

Me neither. Why would his ex want me to be involved in this kind of discussion? Would any of the mothers of children with a step mother want their ex's partner to be wading in on this? It seems a bit of an odd concept to me.

gogohmm · 30/11/2022 20:13

I think it depends so much on the family circumstances. If a step child looses their mother (through bereavement or her parental rights are terminated) so comes to live ft with dad and stepmum, then a few years later looses dad then yes stepmum stepping up should be a one of the outcomes (partly down to whether either set of grandparents etc are wanting custody of course). Automatic no but certainly an option.

Ours are older (over 18) and dsd when we were explaining the will situation and tenants in common wanted reassurance she could stay with me if something happened to dp in the near future (lives full time with us) but my dd wouldn't want the same in reverse because she has grandparent's active in her life and uncles as well (both have some additional needs which mean they are not fully independent yet 🤞)

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/11/2022 20:17

Lilithslove · 30/11/2022 19:49

Me neither. Why would his ex want me to be involved in this kind of discussion? Would any of the mothers of children with a step mother want their ex's partner to be wading in on this? It seems a bit of an odd concept to me.

Show quote history

She’d already be dead, that’s the point. We’ve made any number of plans for any number of eventualities. In this one she dies, as their dad DH has them full time, then he and I plan for what happens if he dies while the kids are still under 18. If I die before him he obviously keeps all the kids. Hopefully we all live very long lives and the kids all reach adulthood with a full complement of parents.

caringcarer · 30/11/2022 20:22

@girlmom21, me too. I could not see a child left to the system. DH is already a brilliant step dad and we both foster a child with complex needs too. I could look after nieces, nephews, friends kids. My niece already comes on holiday with.us for a month each year. I like children and looking after them.

Vanessashanessajenkins2 · 30/11/2022 20:26

We have DSS11 50/50. I also have one child (Ds3) who is DSS's half brother. If his mother passed away he would obviously live here full time. We have discussed what would happen if my husband passed after this and I think personally in my situation it would be better for DSS to stay in his home with me and his brother. I wouldn't want to unsettle him by sending him away and he's already 11 now. If that horrible scenario did happen I'd want to get him through his teens and into adulthood as stable as possible. Plus, it would upset my DS3 if suddenly DSS11 didn't live with us anymore and his father had died. I'm not saying it would be easy but it would be right in our circumstances to have him. Not sure what his mother's family would say but I doubt they would object.

Wallywobbles · 30/11/2022 20:30

DH would have mine full time. Their father lost parental responsibility and that's fine with everyone.

DSC I would imagine they'd stay here. I've known them over half their lives. We have space. I can afford to keep them.

To be honest I like most people and a couple more living here wouldn't be a massive issue. So friends kids I'd probably do the same. Not sure DH would agree.

outsiderin · 30/11/2022 23:17

My mum died, and then my step-dad. I was taken in by his family, along with my (half) brother. I hadn't yet been told he wasn't my bio dad, but I knew.

Can't imagine growing up anywhere else.

Lkydfju · 01/12/2022 13:00

DH and I never talked about this when DSD lived with her mum and I’m not sure I’d really have been considered as there’s so much family for her but now she lives with us it somehow came up and I said that of course she’d stay with me if she wanted because this is her home. I don’t actually think it’s that necessary to discuss generally though as it’s quite rare it would happen

purpleme12 · 01/12/2022 13:06

Well it really depends. If mine had died there's no way I would have to be looked after by my step mum, and probably vice versa.
My step dad possibly but there would have been no affection or emotional connection there.
So no I think it's far from a given. Other circumstances may be different of course but i would actually think in a lot of cases this wouldn't work

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 01/12/2022 13:21

From a different perspective. My mum died and then 7 yrs later my dad died. In between he had gotten re-married and my stepmum had guardianship. She is a wonderful women, my youngest brother at the time was only 12, he's in his twenties now but still lives with her.

If you enter a relationship with a person who has children then you take on a responsibility for those children, they become your family. If you don't want that then you shouldn't start the relationship.

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2022 16:09

If you enter a relationship with a person who has children then you take on a responsibility for those children, they become your family. If you don't want that then you shouldn't start the relationship.

No you don't, this is up for discussion but does not automatically apply.

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 16:14

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2022 16:09

If you enter a relationship with a person who has children then you take on a responsibility for those children, they become your family. If you don't want that then you shouldn't start the relationship.

No you don't, this is up for discussion but does not automatically apply.

👏

Laurdo · 02/12/2022 10:52

It's actually not something that we've discussed but I have thought about what would happen if DP died. It could go either way.

Relationship with DSDs mum is difficult. DSDs mum could stop contact because she knows that would be devastating for me. Or she could continue contact as it suits her better. She sees DSD going to our house as her kid free time rather than to allow a relationship with her dad. DP went abroad for 2 weeks to deal with his brother dying and DSDs mum still wanted DSD to go to our house as normal, so I had her for a week on my own.

I guess it's not really something we can discuss due to the relationship DP has with his ex. If she was to die DSD would be with us full time. Then if my DP was to die she'd stay with me. We have her 50% of the time so she has a good routine here. It wouldn't make sense for her to go to a family members who doesn't know her routine and who she's not used to living with on a regular basis.

This is a great post though. We're getting married in 4 weeks so it might be something we should look into for legal reasons. I'm not sure what rights I would have to keep DSD if one of her mum's family said they wanted custody.

CornishGem1975 · 03/12/2022 22:36

Never discussed it but I guess if their mum died, and then DH keeled over, I'd look after them - after all, my DC is their sibling.

BarrelOfOtters · 04/12/2022 09:22

They’d have gone to their grandparents after a discussion about them going to live in the states with their mums family. Not sure I’d ever have seen them again!

notdaddycool · 04/12/2022 09:28

Whatever they go I think keeping the relationship between SS is important and needs to be part of the equation.

notdaddycool · 04/12/2022 09:29

And yes if children needed a family from within our network of family and close friends we’d always take them in, even if there are some we struggle to like at the moment (friends son not family)!

Spiderboy · 04/12/2022 09:33

I think it’s different if you have children together. Being a couple is one thing. I think it should be discussed before you have children together and you should be fully committed to being a family. I couldn’t be with someone who wanted children with me but wasn’t fully up to taking on that step parent role with all the responsibilities that come with it

BungleandGeorge · 04/12/2022 09:38

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/11/2022 10:47

We’ve talked about it, we’ve got wills, life insurance, guardianship arrangements etc so it came up a long time ago when we did all that. If their mum died and they were with us ft and DH died they’d stay with me. Can’t imagine any alternative. What would it be?

Agree if they’re living as part of your family full time, possibly with half siblings the most obvious choice would be to keep them in their home living with step parent. Can’t imagine turfing them out of their home tbh unless they wanted to.