So WWYD?

[Pebblesnose]

I saw on another thread a poster saying you shouldn't become a step parent without having a discussion about what you'd do if both parents were unable to look after the DC.

It got me thinking because I've never had a discussion with DH about what would happen with DSC if he were to pass away or some other reason he may be unable to care for DSC.

I think anyone who'd just take on DSC too without a thought is a saint tbh but I don't think I could do it personally.

We’ve talked about it, we’ve got wills, life insurance, guardianship arrangements etc so it came up a long time ago when we did all that. If their mum died and they were with us ft and DH died they’d stay with me. Can’t imagine any alternative. What would it be?

I wouldn't even consider this, tbh. I'd expect DSS to go to either grandparents or aunts/uncles on either side.

Can’t imagine any alternative. What would it be?

Personally I'd expect other family options to be explored, I wouldn't expect it to just be a given that they'd live with me. Like ASofa, I'd have thought grandparents, aunt's/uncles etc would be first in line.

My first thought was the same as @AnneLovesGilbert - I'd look after them. However not sure how their mum's family would feel about that! Interesting question though, I feel a discussion with my DP coming on :)

Fair enough. We’ve got shared DD and no relationship with DH parents so it would be one or the other and DH wouldn’t consider separating them from DD. He’d be dead, obviously, so it would be up to me not him but I was happy with the agreement.

If I then died all 3 would go to a close friend. That was a conversation… And we’re guardians should a different couple die so I did have to mention that to the first friend in case he one day got 4 extra kids on his doorstep.

This is what I'm thinking regarding having a discussion with DH as I never thought it would be an expectation of most people that DSC would automatically live with me if the worst were to happen!

At the moment, I'm not seen as a parent to DSC and the way I am with my own children is massively different. I can't imagine suddenly going from being parent to only my child to adding two more that would be my sole responsibility. The thought fills me with dread actually.

I'd take on any child who needed a home if I could give them the financial and emotional support they needed.

Friends children, nieces, nephews, step children, whatever.

Ah, well there’s no chance their maternal grandparents would want them. They see each other but the kids don’t like staying over so they certainly wouldn’t want to live with them.

I’m not saying I’d jump at the chance to parent them all alone, I’d just have lost my husband so the whole thing would be fucking awful. But I’ve known them way more than half their lives, they don’t remember much before me, and this is their other home so it is what it is.

We have a shared DC too. Similar situation with DHs parents actually, in that they aren't around much because they live in a different country but their mum has a huge family. So I'd expect them to be first port of call really.

At the moment, I'm not seen as a parent to DSC and the way I am with my own children is massively different. I can't imagine suddenly going from being parent to only my child to adding two more that would be my sole responsibility. The thought fills me with dread actually.

I guess it depends how much you have them and what you're relationship is like in the build up. When I say I wouldn't consider it, I'm talking from the perspective of my DP having EOW care for DSS. I would not consider suddenly having him full time myself. But in the scenario you've laid out presumably his mum would have had to have died first, meaning he'd come to live with DP and myself prior to my DP's death. Things might look a little different from that perspective.

Fwiw on the other thread I think and said that OP needs to protect her own kids given how things have escalated and ask her DSS to stay with his aunt. Not that she should kick him out for ever more but that he’s an adult and she’s allowed standards of behaviour in her home and the needs of younger kids have to trump those of the now adult. I hope I’ll always be fair and understanding but make sure my home is safe for everyone living in it. My DSC are teens and more prone to grunting than drinking at this stage but I’ll never tolerate physical violence or drugs.

Me too. Especially if the alternative was care. I have agreed to take the niblings, but would be happy to take others as necessary.

I guess in our situation I wouldn't imagine the alternative would be care, it would likely be some member of mum's family as she has lots (multiple siblings, young parents etc)

My point was I just wouldn't expect the go to person to be me. Obviously if mum died first then dad would be the first person which would mean they'd be living with me full time. But if he were then to pass away, I wouldn't expect me to be the first choice.

I could give them the financial and emotional support they needed.

Emotionally I doubt I could in that situation. As harsh as it sounds, I don't love my DSC, I'd worry that I'd struggle to give them the emotional / parental support they'd need and think they'd get more of that from their family.

In all honesty, I doubt it even crosses most people’s minds when they meet someone with children. And I doubt it crosses their minds as time goes by either because grandparents, aunties, uncles even care etc…

I don’t think it should be an automatic expectation I really don’t. There are so many reasons why it wouldn’t be fair or reasonable to expect the stepparent to be the child’s guardian in the even of losing both parents.

That’s not to say it’s unheard of though. And huge credit to stepparents who do it. But the stepparents who don’t, aren’t bad people. There could be massive reasons why it can’t happen.

even care eg foster care etc…

Thanks yes this is what I mean, I don't think it should be the automatic expectation. Its certainly not anything I've ever thought about being expected of me in such a tragic event!

Surely if you take on a guardianship role for a friend’s children, it’s just for their own children, not including children who that friend potentially might be acting as a guardian for? What if you didn’t have the space?

Well it all depends on the circumstances doesn't it.
How old the child is
How long you've been in their life
What your relationship is like
How they feel
What they want
What the wider family wants
Will and guardianship agreements

DH and I are in several couples wills as guardians for their children. We'd previously joked about being in trouble if there was an plague as we could end up with umpteen kids. Wasn't so funny during the pandemic.

I know of several sad cases where the resident parent has died and the child has to go live with the non resident parent and their OH and one where the older sibling has stepped in because the NRP is an abusive arsehole. None have worked out well. Godforbid the Stepparent is left raising any of them. It really would be bad in one case as social are involved because of neglect.

It should just be a case by case basis, really. What would work for one person won’t necessarily work for another.
Ultimately, dsc aren’t the stepparent’s children. That’s the fact. And then when you throw in less than perfect circumstances and the need to put yourself and your children first, dsc might end up being way down on the list when deciding what to do. That sounds cold but it’s true.

I think if you or your dear husband have a child together, it will be better if something happens to both parents that your step child stays with his sibling therefore with you.

I would be open to facilitating visits with my DC, but DSS already doesn't live with his half siblings now, so that wouldn't be a change really.

What happens if the mother died and your husband wants his kid to live with you and let say your husband died a year later, are you going to get rid of his kid?

I would be open to facilitating visits with my DC, but DSS already doesn't live with his half siblings now, so that wouldn't be a change really.

Exactly. It’s not like they would never see each other again if they didn’t suddenly come to live with you.

Maybe her husband would be good enough to understand that Sofa’s dss hasn’t been the easiest child for her (going by previous comments) and that on her own it would be unmanageable.

Lots of step parents don't have kids who are siblings to the stepkids though.