Family dynamics and moving in together

[bluepen12]

We have moved in with my partner, we rent for a start to see how if goes. His DD (10) doesnt want to acknowledge that the new place is equally as mine as her dad's.
She sees me as a guest in here, which is what she frequently says.
She would, for example, bring her old toys from her bedroom to the livingroom, I ask her to move the toys from there to where their place is and she point blank refuses saying that this is not my home so I won't be making these decisions.
DP intervenes, gets her to do the right thing, he spoke to her a few times, no change.
There is also the thing with sitting in the front of the car when I have to let her do it, otherwise she gets upset, which in turn upsets DP and makes me feel bad for not letting her to sit in the front! She gets to decide who sits where and when...

Has anyone been through something similar? Can you suggest how can I try and what can I do to change the dynamics?

Why can't she have toys in the living room? But your right about the front seat, you are the adult and it it safer for children in the back. I would compromise on this and explain its safer in the back of the car and that's the end of that and she may bring a few toys into the living room providing she returns them to the correct place after she is finished. Be firm you want to make sure she understands from the get go that it it EVERYONES house. My step children always ask me' can I do this or that' and providing it's not dangerous I say ' it's your house too of course you can' so make sure you make it clear that's it her house TOO but with boundaries

What a mess. A mess that is unlikely to improve. You need to move out.

@quietnightmare she already has some toys in the livingroom, shelves, drawers and a large dolls house.

I've asked to take the toys away she brought the other day because she said she doesn't need them any more, and she doesn't want them in her bedroom so thought it's a great idea to dump them in the middle of the living room

How old are your children? I’d be moving back out.

Have you posted before under a different name? The whole front seat thing sounds very familiar and I think that was before you'd moved in....

I haven't posted on this board, no

You and DP need to be on the same page. How long have you been together and what age are your DC? Things like toys and car seating need ti be decided between the two adults by mutual agreement, calmly, away from the children and then stuck to. Children look to us for clear boundaries and feel safe when they find them and unsafe and insecure when they don’t.

She’s 10, she’s taking her lead from her dad. Agree house rules and expectations on behaviour and things may settle down. If not then consider unblending your families. Don’t let your children suffer because he’s a weak parent, if that’s the issue.

If your DC are with you and her dad full time or nearly she’s probably feeling displaced and unsettled and that can lead to controlling behaviour as she’s flailing around to keep her place in the new unit. It’s for her dad to reassure her without giving her more responsibility than she’s old enough to handle.

doesnt want to acknowledge that the new place is equally as mine as her dad's.

Colour me surprised. I would expect that she is hoping that you will go away again and she can recent to getting 100% (or at least more) of her DF's attention and fewer rules.

Wouldn't you, in her shoes?

I would not want to continue with this blending, in your shoes. I'd move back out. It's just too complicated while they are still children. By all means visit each other but keep your own household til they are grown and flown.

Underage DC far too complicated for me. I'm actually surprised that you are surprised by the child's reaction.

Presumably DP spend as much time as possible prepping his DD for the change before it happened? Did she voice concerns to him then? Are you sure it was all handled sensitively with her?

What is he like as a parent? Are these two examples the outliers or part of a bigger theme?

I'm a bit confused about the toys but would expect DP to sort this out. The front seat thing should never be happening, regardless of how 'upset' she gets.

Sounds like you need a chat with DP, as it's harder for you moving onto his 'turf'.

If he's in any way floppy with his parenting then you know the list of issues is just going to grow and it would be better for everyone to move out sooner rather than later.

This is the issue with another adult moving in. I’m not criticising you as such - my DH is stepdad to my oldest two. However, they were very very small at the time, so a bit different. If DH was to (god forbid) pass away now I wouldn’t even consider trying to ‘blend’ families. I know you see it as her stonewalling you or whatever, but I try to trunk of it from the child’s perspective. Imagine you’re sitting in your kitchen one day and someone says ‘this is Brian. He’ll be living here now.’ And he just moves in and starts sniping at you and trying to tell you what to do, as well as suddenly spending loads of time with the person you love the most, resulting in you getting less time. You wouldn’t smile in a jolly way and think ‘well I better make myself quiet and let Brian enjoy the house.’ You’d feel quite out out and upset.

I think really the blended family with older children that works well is the rare exception rather than the norm.

And if she didn’t want the toys why couldn’t her parent support her to decide what to do with them? What good is it the new partner saying ‘take them to your room?’ That’s not really helping her with the problem.

I've had both these issues and have found that being assertive is the key. When my SS constantly moaned about sitting in the front (which I will let him if it's a longer journey as he can get car sickness) I point blank told him no, put his car seat where he is sitting and told him to sit there. He's never challenged it, if he ever did his Dad would reinforce the expectations (and being a team too is important if you give mixed messages then the kids are going to be unsettled and play on it). As for the house she's trying to make the house her home. Let her play in the living room with her toys. At the end of the day ask her to clean them away. If she refuses I would put them in a bin bag and put them in the shed for a period of time. Again your partner needs to support you with this.

You need to assert fair and calm authority in your home, and make it clear it's your home. But I would start with speaking to other half and ensuring you are both on the same page.

Let her dad parent her and give it time.

In her eyes there is absolutely nothing to gain by you and your children moving into her home, just an unrelated adult bossing her around.

They all do this. It’s a power play and apparently we’re all big evil step monsters for not letting them do exactly what they choose because they’re having to share their daddy.

OP my ex’s DD tried everything to come between us and eventually she won. If your DP isn’t parenting her adequately by giving her reasonable boundaries at this point it won’t get any better. I’d tell him it’s not working for you and you can reconsider moving in when the DCs are all grown up. Then move out and enjoy not having to indulge the little darling any more.

With that charming attitude it’s difficult to see why blending didn’t work…

I mean, why wouldn’t the ‘little darling’ want her dad to herself? You’re a stranger who is openly resentful of her. Maybe she didn’t like you. It’s hard for children to have a random unrelated stranger barge into their home and start being ‘assertive’ and ‘disciplining.’ I wouldn’t want a random stranger in my house either to be honest.

I never barged into their home, they used to barge into mine and I was nothing but welcoming to them. Even after 7 years together she openly talked about her dad being able to get back with their mum in front of me.

I wouldn't worry about the whole "this is my daddy's house". I had this over and over when me and my partner moved in together. I just ignored them and made it clear that it was my home just as much as daddy's. Don't stoop down to their level by arguing with a 10 year old. They soon get the idea and stop saying it. As for the toys; as annoying as it is; let her play with them in the living room during the day and make her put them back upstairs as "tidy up time" before bed. They are just finding their feet and it's a big adjustment fit them so stay calm and ignore their silly remarks

The only person that can sort out your issues is your partner. He needs to step up to sort these issues out or it won't end well.

She needs to respect you as her dads partner and you have the same amount of control over rules in your joint home. He needs to be reinforcing this until she gets it.

It's probably a big change for your SD so just give her some time to adjust. But also I would stay well away from drama with her and leave it all for her dad to parent.

If he doesn't, you know how the rest of your life would be with him.

To those saying the OP has moved into the DSC's home... I am reading it differently, as they have all moved into a new place together?

Also I understand people are trying to paint things from DSC point of view but it is not usually "here's Brian and he'll be living here now". Usually they know the person first! It's pretty demeaning to all the efforts many parents and step parents make to keep describing OP as a "random adult". Imagine if I described my DSC as a "random child" when I'd actually known them some time and built a relationship.

Okay, so ‘here’s Brian. You can spend some time getting to know him, then whether you like him or not he’ll be moving in and having joint control over you on your home. Enjoy, and don’t be a little madam about it by trying to bring your belongings downstairs!’

@Kanaloa I think we will have to agree to disagree, or we have quite different experiences. I for one don't have "control" over my DSC. Their dad is in charge. Step parents do contribute to helping practically support them though and that includes stuff like "please pick up the clothes off your floor, so I know which to wash for you".

Bit sad to see no mention of any positives we bring to their lives. I'm sure my DSC have appreciated:
Nicer holidays with dad
Extra extended family
Expertise and equipment donated to support them in hobbies
Looking after one of them so the other can have 1:1 time with dad which they otherwise wouldn't have had
Doing chores so dad can spend quality time with them
Doing pickups so they didn't have to do after school club
Etc.

We have been together for nearly 4 years and yes, we moved to the new place, so it's not me moving into where her dad lived.
It is really difficult. I like her and treat her the best I can, but she is so conflicted. On one hand she loves spending time with me, we play a lot, she comes for cuddles, asks her dad if she can stay with me for the day, if I could take her shopping, all sort of nice stuff, we have a nice evening but then we get up in the morning and she isn't happy that I'm around.
This weekend we picked her up from mum's on a way back home so it happened I was in the car sitting in the front. She demanded I move to the back now and then and when DP asked her to sit in the back she just ignored me all day.

DP disciplines her fine and often says to me that he does what he can for all three of us to be happy. He doesn't want to upset me, he doesn't want DD to be upset and feel more jealous than she already is. He is really good and patient in explaining stuff to DD and they had chats about all of us living together. She told me she was over the moon and couldn't wait. Now reality hits and she struggles. So do I to be honest.

DD usually plays in living room, and no problem with that. This example was to illustrate that if I want something to be done my way (why would I want to have old abandoned toys in the livingroom?), I'm told I have no say because it isn't my home.

In this case, DP intervened and toys have been moved. He did, once again, speak to DD about respecting others and about the house being my home too.

Why are you coming on the pick up. It sounds like she craving some time with her df..

I normally don't. It was a one off as we were coming back home and her mum's home was on the way