Family dynamics and moving in together

[bluepen12]

We have moved in with my partner, we rent for a start to see how if goes. His DD (10) doesnt want to acknowledge that the new place is equally as mine as her dad's.
She sees me as a guest in here, which is what she frequently says.
She would, for example, bring her old toys from her bedroom to the livingroom, I ask her to move the toys from there to where their place is and she point blank refuses saying that this is not my home so I won't be making these decisions.
DP intervenes, gets her to do the right thing, he spoke to her a few times, no change.
There is also the thing with sitting in the front of the car when I have to let her do it, otherwise she gets upset, which in turn upsets DP and makes me feel bad for not letting her to sit in the front! She gets to decide who sits where and when...

Has anyone been through something similar? Can you suggest how can I try and what can I do to change the dynamics?

I was quoting a poster who specifically said op has to exert ‘joint control’ over the rules of their home, and another poster referring to no longer having to ‘indulge the little ‘madam.’

I think it’s wonderful that you have a good relationship with your step kids! But that’s like to choosing to live with someone because you like them. I think in many cases people don’t appreciate that forcing a ‘new family’ on a child is really akin to forcing anyone to live with someone they may dislike a lot. And that’s hard for a child to put up with, and I think in 90% of cases really isn’t done with the best for the child in mind, more just what the adults want and what makes them happy.

Pick your battles.

I wouldn't make such a fuss over the toys. I assume you have some of your stuff in the living room? Let her have her stuff as well.

Why would you come here then just to slag off people? Maybe the 'nuclear family' hasn't worked out for some and judging by how many blended families there are, its pretty common. And before you say "you should have thought about that before having kids!" - people do, and plan things within an inch or their loves but, things change. Get a grip. Life isn't rainbows and unicorns and I think some people are pretty brave to separate to make.sure that both homes are peaceful and happy. It works for many, many families. People have struggles and they come here for advice, not to be shamed or judged. Shame on you.

Is this aimed at me?

What???? Why???

I agree with this. If my son brought down toys he no longer wants, I would be over the moon (space in his room! A clear out without me having to organise it). Simply solved by confirming he is happy to them to go to the charity shop and asking him to get a bag from where they are stored.

www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20221118-the-myth-of-the-evil-stepmother

This is an interesting article. It does ignore the impact of being a stepmother on women, but I enjoyed reading this perspective in terms of the positive impact on children. Mumsnet is a negative blending families echochamber and i find it a bit depressing tbh and not reflective of my friends and family in this situation.

Ah this is so tricky but at the end the day she is a little girl. Does it really matter if she makes these comments that you could easily ignore? It sounds like the majority of the time you both have a nice relationship so perhaps let your DP continue to address this very normal behaviour from a 10 year old let alone one whose in this new situation. It won't be perfect all the time, blended or not?

The car situation, can understand your frustration. Maybe have something in the back for her that's more appealing.. does she not still need her booster seat??? Or if it is on the pick up that you've said you don't often attend (and it's safe to do so) maybe just let her have that time... in the front.

Sounds a little like a power struggle.. but if you are secure in your relationship don't make it unnecessarily tricky for her and dad. It's ok to step aside if she's being a little tough sometimes. Of course it's it's completely disrespectful then that's different, you don't want to expose your DC to you being ridiculed but go gently.