Page 2 | Claiming back money lost

overthehill7 · 2022-11-16T20:39:01+00:00

We have tickets for our SC to do something this weekend and their mum is now stopping them coming this weekend and we have to swap weekends again. It is our planned weekend and she has previously agreed for us to take them to this event. She is also aware that we have booked and paid for tickets so DH told her we want her to pay us for the ticket. (No idea if we will ever be able to do this, he is upset) I'm just wondering if anyone has ever been able to claim back the loss of money? It isn't lots of money but it also isn't about the money. More the fact that we can't keep booking things and wasting money because she has the control. This has happened a number of times over the past couple of years. Any help or advice would be much appreciated ?

brighterthanthemoon · 17/11/2022 06:50

I think as @CucumberCool says, back to court. Don't try and reduce maintenance, even though I personally feel its justified if she hasn't given a good reason, it won't go down well with the court as its meant to be seperate to contact and for the kids to eat etc.

brighterthanthemoon · 17/11/2022 06:52

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I imagine mucking around with the kids court mandated contact time is pretty stressful for the father and the kids. She doesn't get to unilaterally decide he isn't seeing them.

CornishGem1975 · 17/11/2022 08:22

Why do you HAVE to swap? Just say no!

Unless it's agreed far in advance and both are in agreement we never swap weekends, not just for ourselves and planning but the kids also benefit from the routine and knowing where they are going to be.

FreakyFrie · 17/11/2022 11:21

CornishGem1975 · 17/11/2022 08:22

Why do you HAVE to swap? Just say no!

Unless it's agreed far in advance and both are in agreement we never swap weekends, not just for ourselves and planning but the kids also benefit from the routine and knowing where they are going to be.

It’s kinda hard to say no if she already has the kids and doesn’t give them over.

There’s not much you can do and saying no doesn’t work.

BlindMum · 17/11/2022 11:42

Unfortunately one of those hard lessons we all have to learn and sadly you’ve lost money with it. Hopefully it wasn’t too much as a very low chance of you getting it back.

Advice to tell SC mum anything because unfortunately if she’s anything like the one we have to deal with plans will be ruined on purpose. Also it’s a good idea not to tell Jesse anything that’s coming up. I know it sounds hard and a bit mean but they will naturally want to tell my mum how excited they are about doing something and unfortunately sam won’t like that and try and ruin your plans and you will be the bad person just happens that way

CornishGem1975 · 17/11/2022 11:46

It’s kinda hard to say no if she already has the kids and doesn’t give them over.

There’s not much you can do and saying no doesn’t work.

Then in that case you get a court order, if they don't already have one in place given she seems to have previous for dicking them around then that's on the OP's partner/husband who needs to take control of the situation.

Sellorkeep · 17/11/2022 11:51

Why is your partner letting her ‘stop them coming’ on court ordered time? He needs to get back in court

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 17/11/2022 12:19

Could it be the case that she can't afford to do the things you are offering and doesn't want to feel like 'the poor relation' so to speak? She is maybe worried you and DH offering all these things will make her kids prefer to spend time with their dad.

I agree with not making the plans known beforehand and then it's less likely she will cancel

MeridianB · 17/11/2022 14:31

What a cow!

Back to court with a list of dates and examples.

Could you go for 50:50 so she has less control?

NorthernSpirit · 17/11/2022 15:45

My OH’s vitriolic EW used to do this all the time. Any sniff of we were going to do something (which we would try to keep secret as she would interrogate the kids) and she would withhold contact. This is dispute there being a very clear contact order in place. She would withhold contact to control.

She’s been taken back to court for breaching - but it has absolutely no effect as she thinks she in charge, the more important parent & in control.

The last time she was taken back to court for breaching the contact order it was because she had approved a trip to see the kids grandparents in France. My OH paid for flights once she had agreed in writing. The morning of picking the kids up to go to the airport (he’d spoken to the kids the night before and they were excited about the trip) and -BOOM her text message to say - don’t bother picking the kids up, I’ve changed my mind they aren’t going. The police and social services got involved this time and recommended she be taken to court for breaching the contact order (which stipulated that dad had half holidays and could take the kids abroad).

In court she was given a stern talking to by the judge, the costs of the flights were to be deducted from her and the judge threatened to remove the kids from her if this continued. On leaving court she complained how my OH was ‘a disgusting piece of shit for taking the kids maintenance’.

I would take her back to court for any breach.

And it’s not a popular opinion - but yes if she stops contact on your weekend and you have paid for an activity then I would deduct the cost of the cancelled activity from her money.

These bitter women use contact & withhold contact as a form of control. Usually the only thing they care about is how much money they are going to get.

Good luck 🤞

Original poster

overthehill7 · 17/11/2022 16:17

Thank you for the replies.

We have had absolutely no reason or excuse this time. Usually it's a party or she says SC wants to see her family. But this time she hasn't even bothered coming up with an excuse.

Just to note - We will always swap to allow SC to go to parties etc as they shouldn't miss out but SC never remember going to these parties.

I would love to know if anyone actually finds the court order worth it?
In my experience, she doesn't respect it at all and does whatever she wants.
DH turns up to pick them up and they aren't home. Phone is off and no idea where they are. He just has to come home and accept defeat.

If we deduct from the maintenance, would CMS contact us about the under payment ?
I wouldn't never want to reduce the maintenance but she does whatever she wants with no consequences and this is the only thing we could possibly do.

OP posts:

brighterthanthemoon · 17/11/2022 16:26

overthehill7 · 17/11/2022 16:17

Thank you for the replies.

We have had absolutely no reason or excuse this time. Usually it's a party or she says SC wants to see her family. But this time she hasn't even bothered coming up with an excuse.

Just to note - We will always swap to allow SC to go to parties etc as they shouldn't miss out but SC never remember going to these parties.

I would love to know if anyone actually finds the court order worth it?
In my experience, she doesn't respect it at all and does whatever she wants.
DH turns up to pick them up and they aren't home. Phone is off and no idea where they are. He just has to come home and accept defeat.

If we deduct from the maintenance, would CMS contact us about the under payment ?
I wouldn't never want to reduce the maintenance but she does whatever she wants with no consequences and this is the only thing we could possibly do.

I think youd have to go through the court process rather than do it yourselves. The CMS will just see an underpayment. If you pay for school uniform etc is that court mandated if not then don't pay for it until you've got the money back?

CornishGem1975 · 17/11/2022 16:38

Just to note - We will always swap to allow SC to go to parties etc as they shouldn't miss out but SC never remember going to these parties.

We don't swap for that - we just take them to the party if it falls on our weekend? Isn't that easier?

You can't just deduct CMS. If she's not abiding by the court order then your DH needs to go back to the court and tell them this. It is a court order and is legally binding. By breaching it, she is in contempt of court. But that's up to your DH to grow a pair of balls and confront that head on. Until he does, nothing will change and as per usual you have a DH problem, not a SC mum problem.

MeridianB · 17/11/2022 17:11

I can see how massively frustrating it is but dont touch the maintenance. It’s a separate issue.

Go back to court and try to do more once the kids are safely with you.

Original poster

overthehill7 · 17/11/2022 18:49

Ok thank you for the help and advice. Appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

OP posts:

HeckyPeck · 20/11/2022 09:25

If your DH pays above the CMS amount he can deduct the costs as long as it doesn't take it below that amount.

If he pays any extras like clothes or school uniforms & it's not court ordered, he can keep a tally of the costs and take it off his contribution to those.

I do think it's worth going to court re each and every breach if you can afford to. Otherwise she will just carry on doing it.

Shiningsilverargent · 20/11/2022 09:39

And it’s not a popular opinion - but yes if she stops contact on your weekend and you have paid for an activity then I would deduct the cost of the cancelled activity from her money.These bitter women use contact & withhold contact as a form of control. Usually the only thing they care about is how much money they are going to get

this is dreadful advice. Fighting fire with fire just causes a bigger fire. The only option long term is to get a court order and seek to have it enforced if there is a breech. Stopping money just gives the ex ammunition and in a worse case scenario will put the children at the heart of the conflict. Just pay the maintenance and try not to tell either the ex or the kids what you are doing in future. This might mean you sometimes have to miss out on stuff because it falls on the wrong weekend - this is better than trying to swap, paying for tickets and then having the activity stopped. Part of separated parenting is that you don’t get the option of every weekend. You do have to make your peace with that.