Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Claiming back money lost

42 replies

overthehill7 · 16/11/2022 20:39

We have tickets for our SC to do something this weekend and their mum is now stopping them coming this weekend and we have to swap weekends again.

It is our planned weekend and she has previously agreed for us to take them to this event. She is also aware that we have booked and paid for tickets so DH told her we want her to pay us for the ticket. (No idea if we will ever be able to do this, he is upset)

I'm just wondering if anyone has ever been able to claim back the loss of money?
It isn't lots of money but it also isn't about the money. More the fact that we can't keep booking things and wasting money because she has the control. This has happened a number of times over the past couple of years.
Any help or advice would be much appreciated ?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 16/11/2022 20:41

I honestly wouldn’t bother. But I’d stop booking things for SD if her mum is going to be a dick. Sad but what’s the alternative? How old is she?

Santagiveyoursackawash · 16/11/2022 20:43

Is there a court order? If so stick to it. Keep a diary if she messes it up and take her back to court.... Ime SD will get the measure of her dm in time.

RemindMeAgain · 16/11/2022 20:49

There is no insurance against such shenanigans I’m afraid. In time I learned to adapt to all this kind of bollox, don’t book anything you cannot cancel ever again unless you’re prepared to lose the money. We mainly do stuff that’s free, low cost or doesn’t require pre-booking. Holidays we tend to camp so if by any chance arrangements change at the last minute, it doesn’t really matter, we can just as easily camp with four as we can with five it takes off all the pressure of having spent hundreds of pounds to take DSD abroad or whatever to find we cannot go because it’s an aunt’s/niece’s/brother’s/cat’s birthday or whatever that simply cannot be missed.

Chdjdn · 16/11/2022 20:55

I found it was better not to tell DSD or her mum when we had booked things as that would often mean she wouldn’t end up coming

Original poster
overthehill7 · 16/11/2022 20:55

Thanks so much for the replies.

It's such a shame but I do completely agree. Will definitely stop booking tickets/events going forward and SC will just have to miss out otherwise.

Yes we have a court order but it pretty pointless as she does what she wants anyway. It costs so much and once the event or day is missed, the moment has gone.

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 16/11/2022 21:00

Does your partner pay child maintenance to her directly? If so I'd just reduce the next payment accordingly.

Shiningsilverargent · 16/11/2022 21:15

Why tell her what you’re doing? I learnt some q5 years ago that the only way my ex wasn’t going to try and ruin any attempt at having a life was never to mention said life in earshot of the children or him. Works like a charm! Haven’t had to cancel anything since!

mumyes · 16/11/2022 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Stripyhoglets1 · 16/11/2022 21:33

Must be very frustrating.
As others have suggested just stop telling her/the children your plans. And don't book expensive things.
Can you sell the tickets on - or go just the two of you/with any other children you have/freinds children etc?
Ultimately the children lose out which I assume you DH has pointed out to her :-(

TinFoilHatty · 16/11/2022 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hmmmm not sure. The child/ren's father has incurred a loss as their mother has changed the access arrangement from that day. It isn't nasty to suggest a reimbursement?

I would be interested in what others say about this...

startfresh · 16/11/2022 21:38

If it's definitely malicious, then I think he should be able to force the contact or get his money back.

If it was something unexpected like a family funeral, that's different. But doesn't seem to be the case here.

Although it depends, if the child was at a younger age and it was DSD's first visit to Santa or the new sequel of her favourite movie or something, I could also understand the mum feeling sad and not wanting her daughter to go without her. Not saying this behaviour is right or wrong, just saying it depends on what the tickets were for.

SD1978 · 16/11/2022 21:42

I'd stop booking things, and would be honest with the kids why. There is a big difference between slandering the other parent and facts. No we can't book that, your mum quite frequently changes her plans and we can't afford to lose the money if she does isn't putting their mum down, but explaining that it's their mums choice, not yours.

been and done it. · 16/11/2022 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well mum is being a nasty piece of work and not for the first time it would seem.

mumyes · 16/11/2022 21:58

The children are the ones who will suffer if you reduce the money.

Original poster
overthehill7 · 16/11/2022 22:20

Completely understand what you are all saying. We don't usually tell her our plans. It's only if we need to book something so we can check no birthdays or other events are happening that would force us to change weekends. This will be the last time, that's for sure!

@mumyes we want the money back because she needs to have a consequence to refusing access at the last minute when we have paid money for it. The event has already been agreed with her so therefore I personally feel she should pay us back for the ticket.

OP posts:
mumyes · 16/11/2022 22:29

@overthehill7 I disagree with your approach. Just not nice. Take the moral high ground & suck it up.
I won't be commenting further.

Sarahcoggles · 16/11/2022 22:42

What was the reason for her cancelling?

Blendiful · 16/11/2022 22:56

Usually I wouldn't agree with reducing maintenance but in this situation I absolutely would.

She wants to control what happens with the kids at their expense with regards to contact. She is actively letting her kids miss out due to spite and control. So take the ticket money from the maintenance money, given you are now also out of pocket.

If this approach went ahead I doubt she would keep doing it and then in the long run everyone wins, DSC gets to do things and mum stops being a nightmare.

gottachangeforthisone · 17/11/2022 00:07

Yep.. I would not have a single sleepless moment taking this money out of the maintenance. If it affects her ability to parent then you need to be willing to have her with her dad to cover the period of the shortfall. This is revolting selfish behaviour of a woman who is not putting her child first and there has to be a consequence. The caveat to that is of course - that this is a deliberate spiteful manoeuvre to ruin your husbands plans with his dc.

We had this when we were trying to get married. She did it twice . You can imagine the cost - but DH would not (understandably) get married without his dc there.

In the end - we actually had to keep it completely quiet until they were safely in our care on the Friday before getting married on the Sunday. Even then she got wind of it and had a 'sudden emergency' and wouldn't be home for the week as 'her parents were unwell' ...meaning we would have his 4 kids to look after on our wedding night and Honeymoon.

Luckily my DH parents didn't blink and stepped in for wedding night and had their 4 and my 3.. Honeymoon was booked for the end of the week anyway .

If you work on the basis that if she knows , she will try to fuck it up. Make sure that you keep all 'treats' between you and DH and surprises on the day once you DSC is safely in your care.

SandyY2K · 17/11/2022 00:12

What's her reason for SD not coming? Is it some I foreseeable event that has cropped up?

Tbh I don't blame the poster who said to deduct it from CS. That might teach her to stop it in future....

Coyoacan · 17/11/2022 00:56

I was a single and would have been delighted to have someone show my dd a good time. The mother seems have not only sabotaged this weekend's activity but also any future events that might require a bit of forward planning and investment

CucumberCool · 17/11/2022 01:33

If it's your time with the dsc and she is not allowing access then it is breaking the court order and you must absolutely report it to the court or go back again.

Any swaps must be agreed, if you don't agree it's breaking the order. Let the courts decide sanctions. Don't with hold maintenance - this will not reflect well on you. Ask her for the money or you will go back to court.

Just done this and it didn't reflect well allowing multiple breeches then complaining as it was presented by the other side as 'building a case'.

Good luck. She sounds like hard work!

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/11/2022 01:35

Is she saying why she's refusing access?

Rtmhwales · 17/11/2022 01:50

You nasty piece of work suggesting this.
As if being a single parent isn't hard & stressful enough.

Ehhh. I am a single parent. Sure it's hard and stressful. DS's dad has him 0/365 days a year. But if he did, and I changed plans on his contact time and he incurred a loss, I'd totally be willing to bite the bullet and take that out of my maintenance.

It's not up for mum to decide when she gets to have the children. It's even less up to her when it causes a financial loss to the other parent.

brighterthanthemoon · 17/11/2022 06:48

What's her reason for the switch?
Is it court ordered?

I would stop buying tickets in advance and let the kids know why tbh.