Parental alienation towards SM

[BlindMum]

So we have had our issues SD was now therapy for her anger issues and was doing well. Everything was going great until about two months ago.

She changed from one week to the next she just stopped talking to me would give me dirty looks and storm out of the room if I walked in. I tried being normal but nothing I did speak to her dad about it he did ask her and she went quiet so he left it I’ve been walking the last few weekends so not seen her for a few weeks she comes to see her dad not me so not a problem.

it all same to a head this weekend I walked upstairs to get something from our bedroom she was in her room playing with the door open as I walked past she shouted at me to F off I hate you get out of my house and slammed the door.

she is 6 we do not swear around her so that’s not come from us

her dad came running upstairs to see what had happened she was then sat in tears on her bed I left her dad to talk with her turns out mummy has told her she doesn’t like me and neither should SD she’s been told to be nasty to me and to get rid of me She told her dad all this he asked if she could repeat it to me aswell she agreed and we had a chat.

I told her her mummy can thinks what she wants but you can have your own opinion. She said she was sorry and we carried on with the day everything was back to what it was like a couple of months ago

for context I’m not the other woman we met 8 months after they broke up and SD was only just 1 at the time her mum has never liked me she is forever slagging me off but hey what can I do she’s got worse since we got married. She was the one who broke it off with him and she makes that very clear

just not sure what the next steps are it must be so confusing for SD

You have no experience of me apart from apparently stalking my posts that you alluded to on another thread. I still have no clue about you as I'm not that invested to look.

They aren't mutually exclusive. You can disagree with children being manipulated against a parent and the damage that does whilst recognising the concept of PA is a known tool of abusers.

If victims organisations are vehemently against the term because of who invented it and why then that's good enough for me. I don't personally understand why anyone would cling to it once they aware it was invented specifically for a paedophile to access his children but there you go. It takes time for awareness to filter through to wider society.

I've explained the background and my position. I have more than 20 years experience . This isn't my first rodeo. I don't see the point in engaging further as we will just go round in circles. Enjoy your day.

So back to issue...
Sorry to hear that OP. That sounds very confusing for your poor step-daughter and even though you know it's not coming from her, rejection still hurts and creates tension in the home, which is probably exactly what her mum is trying to do.

I think it's quite tricky for a 6 year old to get their head around the idea of have an opinion apart from their primary caregiver. The need to 'please' and keep mum on side/gain her approval is strongly wired at that age. She needs mum on side basically, it's a security thing. But I think when my stepdaughter was going through something similar her dad used to say things like:
'I understand mummy feels like that and that's really sad for you. Just because she tells you what she thinks is happening, doesn't mean we are always the bad guys.' She seemed to respond to that quite well.

The other thing that helped me was stepping back and being 'available and caring' but not trying too hard. To be fair, it sounds like what you're doing.

Her mum sounds awful and mums who make their children think their children should hate SM too should hang their heads in shame. It isn't always as blatant as this either. Sometimes it's a subtle comment or tone. Or 'accidentally on purpose' being overheard slagging dad and step mum off to other adults, while they play the innocent scorned woman card. (Oh yeah and similar situation with me too, mum was the one who had the affair, had a new bloke around, all happened years before I entered the picture! and she still tried to create division. Greedy cow.) It's all poisonous.

This happened to my (half) sister - I don't use the term half in any other situation bar MN not to confuse people.

It fucking destroyed her and really did some damage. It's gaslighting of a child and imo so wrong. I don't care what term people use. Parental alienation is actually coercive abuse of a minor. That said when she became a adult she realised what had been happening and had to have a a lot of therapy to process her feelings. She is as a adult Nc with her mum which is incredibly painful for her.

Although I feel it really unsettling how people try to silence others using this term and pretend it doesn't exist.

It was discredited as a syndrome (aka a medical illness) but the premise of whether the actions happen by either dad or mum and it's impact has never been discredited.

People still refer back to Freud and a lot of his work to do with memory (which is valid and backed up by a lot of research)and ignore his whole whacky weird stuff to do with mums and dads and sons having a sexual attachment to their mother (which was absolutely bonkers)

People go to see van gough and he took drugs and cut of his own ear.

You can discredit a person for valid reasons, but that doesn't mean they didn't have a point. I might add I was a child of child abuse by a family friend and have no issue people referring to it however they like.

Op I would just always focus on validing the words for your DSc says and say things like ah that must be really confusing for you love, it's ok to have a difference of opinion with anyone including mummy. Just know we love you and care for you and you can always talk to us

The second sentence does a stonking job of revealing the lack of truth in the first.

I don’t care about the background of the person who first coined the term.

I care that 40 years have passed and the children at the sharp end are still relegated to a position of football. Being kicked about between two teams who care little about the wear and tear on “the ball”, just as long as they can stop the other side from scoring a goal with it.

A pox on both your houses teams.

Utter nonsense.

Why would you claim that I post on almost every thread when my post history is visible showing that I often go weeks without contributing? How foolish. Don't take readers for idiots.

I gave my opinion and explained my position. I stand with victims and support their wishes. I don't owe you a further explanation. You don't get to demand anything from me. I hope the irony that you are doing that on a thread discussing a term used by abusers is not lost on you.

As for my background I presumed you would know from following me around on here.

As I said I have no wish to engage with you further. The last word can be yours. Have at it.

@BlindMum i think you’ve had a great answer. And so is having a chat with her therapist about what her mum told her.

I might want to reinforce to your SD that she can come to see her dad about ANYTHING that is bothering her. And you too. It clearly has been eating her up inside for a few months :(:(

re SS involvement
What was that for And is that a case that the mum’s behaviour there is part of the full picture?
im wondering if there a case there for your DH to become the RP for the sake of his dd.

Charlotte Proudman is not a leading legal authority. She’s a grifter. Ask any other family law practitioner, preferably one who doesn’t love being on TV.

It is still a term used by the family courts, I work in this area. It has been discredited as a medical syndrome, but absolutely not as a concept. Any such allegations do need careful assessment because it IS something abusers make claims about, but when it does happen in families, it can ruin children’s lives.

we have been through the courts and cafcass and solicitors and the courts used the term parent alienation