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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Parental alienation towards SM

63 replies

BlindMum · 14/11/2022 11:45

So we have had our issues SD was now therapy for her anger issues and was doing well. Everything was going great until about two months ago.

She changed from one week to the next she just stopped talking to me would give me dirty looks and storm out of the room if I walked in. I tried being normal but nothing I did speak to her dad about it he did ask her and she went quiet so he left it I’ve been walking the last few weekends so not seen her for a few weeks she comes to see her dad not me so not a problem.

it all same to a head this weekend I walked upstairs to get something from our bedroom she was in her room playing with the door open as I walked past she shouted at me to F off I hate you get out of my house and slammed the door.

she is 6 we do not swear around her so that’s not come from us

her dad came running upstairs to see what had happened she was then sat in tears on her bed I left her dad to talk with her turns out mummy has told her she doesn’t like me and neither should SD she’s been told to be nasty to me and to get rid of me She told her dad all this he asked if she could repeat it to me aswell she agreed and we had a chat.

I told her her mummy can thinks what she wants but you can have your own opinion. She said she was sorry and we carried on with the day everything was back to what it was like a couple of months ago

for context I’m not the other woman we met 8 months after they broke up and SD was only just 1 at the time her mum has never liked me she is forever slagging me off but hey what can I do she’s got worse since we got married. She was the one who broke it off with him and she makes that very clear

just not sure what the next steps are it must be so confusing for SD

OP posts:
Babyghirl · 14/11/2022 12:18

@BlindMum
She's a poor excuse of a mother getting her 6 year old to act like this, I would maybe speak to ss about this as it could be put down as emotional abuse of a minor, or speak to a solicitor and get a letter sent to the mother stating you will report to child welfare if it continues xx

CountryCatLady · 14/11/2022 12:19

Don't really gave any advice, but I think some reassurance from you and dad would be good. Also try not to fight fire with fire, as hard as it can be when mum is doing it.

forrestgreen · 14/11/2022 12:23

Would some play therapy help her. She's so young, what a lot to put in her head.

Just thinking quickly. What about some sort of daft dance at the front door each time she comes to you, to show her that she's a strong independent girl, that we're all kind to each other here. I know it's silly but it might appeal to her.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/11/2022 12:24

The poor girl, that is awful BUT please dont call it parental alienation as that is not what it is, You are not her parent.

I would suggest taking a step back and allowing her to come to you or include you in her own time, I have seen the damage first hand how awful this can be but dont put pressure on her, she will be feeling very confused right now and will need space in her little mind to process it.

Pebbledashery · 14/11/2022 12:26

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/11/2022 12:24

The poor girl, that is awful BUT please dont call it parental alienation as that is not what it is, You are not her parent.

I would suggest taking a step back and allowing her to come to you or include you in her own time, I have seen the damage first hand how awful this can be but dont put pressure on her, she will be feeling very confused right now and will need space in her little mind to process it.

I agree with this. Please don't label it as parental alienation. You're not her parent.
Her mother is awful to put this on a 6 year old child, but I would let her father deal with it and just disengage for a short while. At 6 years old she's got so much going on in her little mind. She just needs time.

brighterthanthemoon · 14/11/2022 12:34

Poor kid. Can you imagine having a mum that does that?! Nasty.

Original poster
BlindMum · 14/11/2022 14:18

@Babyghirl Ss are already invoked due to the past issues but thank you

@CountryCatLady it is so hard not to bite back but I keep my mouth shut untill SD is not in the house.

@forrestgreen she’s already doing some therapy due to other issues I think here dad is going to mention it to the therapists

@ZeroFuchsGiven sorry for using the wrong terminology. It’s what her dad called it and it was the closest thing I could think of to explain the situation. yes, I have taken a step back not that I do much in terms of anything anyway I cook the meals I do the washing after all she’s here to see her dad not me I’m just in the house after this weekend, she did start talking to me but I haven’t force anything

@brighterthanthemoon I have no idea why some people have to be so nasty when you have done nothing to them and to make a child do your dirty work just baffles my brain

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 14/11/2022 15:08

She needs her dad time but you need to build in family fun time.
Really daft games like pie face (I think) so she has fun memories with you both. Or I can see you being sidelined

Sellorkeep · 14/11/2022 20:24

How horrible for you both. You handled it well I think in how you helped her see that she can have her own opinion separate from her mum’s.

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/11/2022 07:06

That sounds incredibly difficult

Just to add no one should be using the term parental alienation - it's a term invented by a discredited psych as a court defence for a child molester/paedophile. He then committed suicide.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/11/2022 07:47

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/11/2022 07:06

That sounds incredibly difficult

Just to add no one should be using the term parental alienation - it's a term invented by a discredited psych as a court defence for a child molester/paedophile. He then committed suicide.

What on earth are you taking about?. Parental alienation is very real and is recognised by nspcc/cafcass/the courts/social services etc.

Quiegal · 17/11/2022 17:54

BlindMum · 14/11/2022 11:45

So we have had our issues SD was now therapy for her anger issues and was doing well. Everything was going great until about two months ago.

She changed from one week to the next she just stopped talking to me would give me dirty looks and storm out of the room if I walked in. I tried being normal but nothing I did speak to her dad about it he did ask her and she went quiet so he left it I’ve been walking the last few weekends so not seen her for a few weeks she comes to see her dad not me so not a problem.

it all same to a head this weekend I walked upstairs to get something from our bedroom she was in her room playing with the door open as I walked past she shouted at me to F off I hate you get out of my house and slammed the door.

she is 6 we do not swear around her so that’s not come from us

her dad came running upstairs to see what had happened she was then sat in tears on her bed I left her dad to talk with her turns out mummy has told her she doesn’t like me and neither should SD she’s been told to be nasty to me and to get rid of me She told her dad all this he asked if she could repeat it to me aswell she agreed and we had a chat.

I told her her mummy can thinks what she wants but you can have your own opinion. She said she was sorry and we carried on with the day everything was back to what it was like a couple of months ago

for context I’m not the other woman we met 8 months after they broke up and SD was only just 1 at the time her mum has never liked me she is forever slagging me off but hey what can I do she’s got worse since we got married. She was the one who broke it off with him and she makes that very clear

just not sure what the next steps are it must be so confusing for SD

@BlindMum

Why are you saying that to a little girl for?

The issue is with you, her and him.

You need to get your DP talk to her or go talk to her without your SD there.

Yes the mother is saying things to her DD about you but do you need to say stuff to your SD too.

Your not ready for this stepfamily thing you have a lot to learn. Keep the child out of the adult stuff. Absolutely disgusting behaviour from his ex and you the poor little girl not wonder she angry.

Laurdo · 18/11/2022 12:56

Quiegal · 17/11/2022 17:54

@BlindMum

Why are you saying that to a little girl for?

The issue is with you, her and him.

You need to get your DP talk to her or go talk to her without your SD there.

Yes the mother is saying things to her DD about you but do you need to say stuff to your SD too.

Your not ready for this stepfamily thing you have a lot to learn. Keep the child out of the adult stuff. Absolutely disgusting behaviour from his ex and you the poor little girl not wonder she angry.

Show quote history

What exactly did she say that was wrong? Telling the girl she's allowed to form her own opinions. I don't see the problem with that. She didn't even say what her mum said was wrong. I think she was very diplomatic and the fact that she hasn't reacted badly and allowed DP to speak to her while she stepped back shows she absolutely is ready to be a step parent.

While I agree that the issue is 100% with the mother and the little girl ia caught in the middle, I don't see the problem with discussing the situation with her and reassuring her.

SudocremOnEverything · 21/11/2022 08:43

It’s not quite parental alienation - although it will contribute to it.

What you have is a mother actively seeking to manipulate her child by creating a loyalty bind. It’s emotionally abusive behaviour and really terrible for the child.

Where you’re dealing with a loyalty bind, there is very little you personally can do @BlindMum- at least directly. The big problem is that you being nice and appealing to your DSD actually makes the loyalty bind worse - she finds that she does like you, and wants to but that makes her feel more disloyal to her mother and really terrible. So really you need your husband to deal with it - especially since his ex is actively telling her daughter she must hate you.

There’s some advice online (For example). Mostly you just step back and expect nothing. Your husband can insist on civility towards you (and no more).

The problem with the ex - as it so often is - is much harder to deal with. But you can try to accept that she’s going to be antagonistic and awful.

Bikiana · 15/01/2023 20:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

SlinkySienna · 15/01/2023 20:42

Parental alienation isn't a thing. It was made up by someone who really shouldn't have been practicing.

Sounds awful though OP. Seems like your DP needs to have a serious discussion with his ex, and you need to sit down with him and his 6yo to have a discussion, focused on her (not you), teaching her that she is allowed to form her own opinions. Do not slate her mum in front of her. She needs to know that she can come to you if she needs to. Do not punish her for something she has been told to do by her mum. It all needs to be dealt with very sensitively.

I know that I could tell my 4yo that his (lovely) nursery teachers are evil and that he should kick them all in the shins, and he'd probably do it!

beenthereheresthetshirt · 16/01/2023 08:28

@SlinkySienna
how isn’t parental alienation a thing….it’s easier to say than “one parent slagging off the others home/family in order to disrupt the child’s relationship with said family”.

Sellorkeep · 16/01/2023 08:32

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Hello
sorry to hear of your situation
you need to start your own thread. I would suggest to put it in the legal topic rather step-parenting.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 16/01/2023 10:12

@Quiegal I think the OP was just trying to reassure her SD and smooth things over. Nothing wrong with that.

I agree that it's probably best in the main to step back and allow the little girl to come to you when she's ready OP. You can still be kind and nice and there for her on her terms. I've been through something similar (although not as extreme) and if she sees you just quietly doing your own thing, being kind to her when she approaches you and not retaliating, it will eventually pay off and her mum won't have any ammunition to go back at you with. Don't give her anything. I know it's so hard but it sounds like you are a good step mum. It's bloody painful at times. 💐

roarfeckingroarr · 16/01/2023 10:35

You can't have "parental alienation" towards a step parent.

beenthereheresthetshirt · 16/01/2023 10:55

@roarfeckingroarr
step parental alienation then 💁🏻‍♀️

It does impact on the child’s relationship with their parent too though, almost using the step parent to alienate the child from the parent.

Whatever you want to call it, it’s wrong.

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/01/2023 11:06

ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/11/2022 07:47

What on earth are you taking about?. Parental alienation is very real and is recognised by nspcc/cafcass/the courts/social services etc.

Show quote history

No the thinking has very much changed recently. Its not recognised by the APA for example.

Just google the inventor of the term, its really quite horrific and has prompted a backlash.

Guidance is changing too (including CAFCASS) as its now acknowledged that its used as a tool by abusive men to continue their abuse. There is a lot of new evidence/research available. Women's Aid and others can be helpful.

I'm not saying that this form of emotional abuse never happens. I'm simply saying PA as a term/concept is now known to be contentious as its been hijacked by abusers.

InstaJam · 18/01/2023 14:28

It may not sound like much of a silver lining, but at least your SD's mother is being open about it. That makes it so much easier to deal with. At least you can have a conversation with her and try to address the issues. If she does the alienation serupticiously it's so much harder to address.

beenthereheresthetshirt · 18/01/2023 15:32

@Willyoujustbequiet
Its still all on CAFCAS’ website…they did release a statement saying the words of some doctor didn’t represent CAFCAS’ opinion of alienation. Maybe that’s what you’re thinking of?

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/01/2023 17:00

beenthereheresthetshirt · 18/01/2023 15:32

@Willyoujustbequiet
Its still all on CAFCAS’ website…they did release a statement saying the words of some doctor didn’t represent CAFCAS’ opinion of alienation. Maybe that’s what you’re thinking of?

No. I believe their guidance was changed in 2019.

There is an increasing wealth of research that shows PA is often claimed in DV cases by men as a way of silencing their victims. Birchall and Choudry 2017 for example. These studies combined with the fact that Gardener is wholly discredited and the concept was invented to aid a paedophile makes PA

controversial to say the least. Possibly why its not recognised by the American Psychiatric Association.
As I said it doesn't mean that abuse doesn't exist in such cases, simply that unsubstantiated claims of PA are the hallmark of extremists in Father's for Justice and the like so best avoided.