Parental alienation towards SM

[BlindMum]

So we have had our issues SD was now therapy for her anger issues and was doing well. Everything was going great until about two months ago.

She changed from one week to the next she just stopped talking to me would give me dirty looks and storm out of the room if I walked in. I tried being normal but nothing I did speak to her dad about it he did ask her and she went quiet so he left it I’ve been walking the last few weekends so not seen her for a few weeks she comes to see her dad not me so not a problem.

it all same to a head this weekend I walked upstairs to get something from our bedroom she was in her room playing with the door open as I walked past she shouted at me to F off I hate you get out of my house and slammed the door.

she is 6 we do not swear around her so that’s not come from us

her dad came running upstairs to see what had happened she was then sat in tears on her bed I left her dad to talk with her turns out mummy has told her she doesn’t like me and neither should SD she’s been told to be nasty to me and to get rid of me She told her dad all this he asked if she could repeat it to me aswell she agreed and we had a chat.

I told her her mummy can thinks what she wants but you can have your own opinion. She said she was sorry and we carried on with the day everything was back to what it was like a couple of months ago

for context I’m not the other woman we met 8 months after they broke up and SD was only just 1 at the time her mum has never liked me she is forever slagging me off but hey what can I do she’s got worse since we got married. She was the one who broke it off with him and she makes that very clear

just not sure what the next steps are it must be so confusing for SD

@Willyoujustbequiet
well, it’s still talked about and recognised in the UK legal system 🤷🏻‍♀️ legitimately so, I believe

Come on, abusers will hijack anything. Mothers who want to prevent their children seeing their father, not because he's done anything that might be harmful to the children, but simply because the parents fell out and now have an unpleasant relationship, cry rape to try to prevent contact. Does that mean that rape doesn't exist? No of course it doesn't. Parental alientation does exist.

This is what carcass says about it
www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/what-to-expect-from-cafcass/alienating-behaviours/

It is recognized as a form of child abuse.

This is also a really good book to help you understand how the children experience it, and how you can act to help them survive it.

www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Parental-Alienation-Syndrome/dp/B085Z96WJP

Ultimately you're very limited as to what you can do, especially as a step parent. It's a horrible, horrible situation to be in. What we kept coming back to was what they say on aeroplanes: You have to remember to put on your own oxygen mask first before you put on anyone else's. You can't stop what's happening at the child's other home, you can only make your home as healthy a place as possible to be, and that includes taking care of yourselves.

please dont call it parental alienation as that is not what it is

why is it not parental alienation? Do you not think that by alienating the child against her step parent she will ultimately end up putting barriers between the child and her father?

Do you think the mother would be trying to alienate the child and the step mother if the step mother had nothing to do with the father? Of course not. The only reason she is trying to create a barrier between the child and the person who happens to be the child's stepmother is because of the mother's conflictual feelings towards the father.

Do you think alienating the child and the stepmother will make the child feel comfortable in her father's home? Of course not. So it's aimed at making the child feel uncomfortable and alienated in her father's home.

So parental alienation through the step parent does exist. And whether the step parent is liked or disliked, a good step parent or a bad step parent, they do fulfill at least some part of a parental role. They cook, they clean, they care, they worry, they welcome the child into their home, they can play their part in making or breaking a child. That doesn't mean that every situation where a child dislikes a step parent is parental alientation, but it can happen.

Having said that, as a way of maintaining your own sanity, taking a step back can also be a good thing. It is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do, to step back and just watch a child be emotionally abused. It sounds terribly harsh and it really is but sometimes there is just no other way. You have to find that very fine balancing act between shutting down your feelings and your natural instinctive reaction to protect and care, whilst still being consistent, being there for and caring for the child and making them feel welcome in your home. It is an absolutely horrible position to be in. All I can do is wish you luck.

Parental alienation is real. Until you experience it, you will not know what unbearable pain it is.

But this...this is not parental alienation. She just doesn't like you.

@mangoyumfbkjb
because a parent is alienating DSD from her step parent…alienation isn’t just reserved for parents.

It’s not recognised as a medical syndrome as it had been posited.

It is claimed by plenty of parents (mothers and fathers but more often the latter) when in fact there are other influencing factors including domestic abuse. Most of the time things are more nuanced than intentional alienation.

But it certainly does exist and it’s terribly harmful to children. Saying it’s been discredited/isn’t a thing is not only wrong but does these children a disservice.

Cafcass do recognise it and assess for it. Most of the time the other factors become obvious but sometimes alienation is equally clear.

There definitely is such a thing as parental alienation its well known in the childrens courts and if proved the parent doing it can be stopped by only seeing the child under supervision but that isnt nice for the child
I am a nan my grandaughter lives with my son who has full custody she has a lovely homelife we all adore and dote on her but her mother is a narcissist no empathy and constantly plays on my grandaughter who sees her mum every other weekend and every other week during the hollidays
we buy all her clothes do all the washing ironing chores my son works from home so he can take and pickup from school and when he needs help were there only living round the corner
ever time we go to pick her up from her mums she comes back different a little cold and moody it’s especially worse in the hollidays as her mum as had a week to work on her so we just came back from our weeks holliday but was ruined with her ups and downs and dirty looks she’s a lovely little girl who is normally loving and kind but shuns me on and of i feel like were all walking on eggshells when were home it was her dad she was like it with a couple years ago and she told me all the bad things mummy was saying about daddy we chatted about it and she said she knows what a loving caring daddy he is and was ok after that but now i fear its my turn and i dont know the answer we have never been nasty or said anything to her about her mum we take her out to buy mummy mothers day present and card and for other special occasions but her mother would never do this she is a horrible manipulative narcissistic person but would never let my grandaughter think that but am now feeling very down about everything what to do just let keep letting her know we love her and just be there for her but its so hard 😥😥

There is such a thing as "parental alienation" regardless of what academics decide to call it - I was a child whose mother did everything possible to "alienate" me from my father. I feel the psychological repercussions 40 years later. Family courts etc have changed a lot in that time; I dearly wish these things were being recognised and discussed when my parents were divorcing.

I don't know tbh. But it is a discredited concept used by abusers . As its increasingly recognised as such then allegations of it can perhaps backfire.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/jul/21/abused-uk-children-family-courts-parental-alienation

Surely parental alienation is the wrong term when you're a step parent? I've experienced it and I doubt you feel the same pain and anguish I do.

I lived it. It exists. The term is an entirely appropriate description of what is done to you. Who coined it matters a lot less than the ongoing issues caused to the kids on the sharp end of it.

OP The little one is being loaded in a gun to fire at her dad. Kiddo is a reluctant bullet. You’re the target cos you being upset and hurt hurts him and threatens the relationship.

The one being used as a bullet needs help beyond that of a lay person. Best place to start would be her school. Pastoral staff may have an idea of the best foot forward to getting her help to untangle what is happening to her. Early intervention needs to happen in order to minimise the potential damage that can be done.

It’s not a discredited concept.

As I’ve said, it used to be considered a medical “syndrome” and it’s that which has been discredited. Parental alienation as a concept is still considered and assessed in family courts, and it exists in reality for some children.

Yes, plenty of abusers do claim it, but that doesn’t change the reality for those children who are experiencing it.

We will have to agree to differ.

The article I linked is written by one of the leading legal authorities on it. If you google it you'll see countless articles and research saying its discredited. Furthermore judgements are being overturned everyday.

I'm not for one moment saying that some children aren't turned against a parent by another parent. That's abusive. I'm saying the term parental alienation has been discredited. Which it has.

Some people may think this is semantics but just as we no longer use the diagnosis Asperger's because of the nazi link it shouldn't be a stretch to understand why a term coined to help paedophiles get contact with their children is problematic.

Screw the people hiding behind the passive voice of “it has been discredited”. Like they are some agenda free enlighten group who know better than the voiceless, powerless children who lived through the abuse, and lived their adult lives with the ramifications of that abuse.

We the children (many now adult) were alienated from a parent, by a parent (although other family members can and do join in).

I appreciate it might not be a comfortable topic for adults who did not experience the dynamic from the child’s perspective. However we were on the sharp end, we get a voice in what it is called. And until we choose to call it sometime different, “parental alienation” is the term we currently use.

I abhor child abuse which is exactly why I am against paedophiles and rapists using parental alienation as a court defence in order to access children and continue abusing them.

I don't mean to upset you or question your experiences.

Ultimately if you are comfortable using a term invented as a defence for paedophiles that is absolutely your choice.