Expectations for SMs

[Laurdo]

Curious to hear people's thoughts from a mother's point of view. If you're a mum and your DC has a stepmum what role are you happy for them to play? What do you expect from them if anything? What would you class as overstepping? Do you have a good relationship with you DCs SM? If not why not? What if anything does you DCs SM do well? If you could change anything what would you change?

Mine are adults but I still here that she's 'overstepping' on phone calls. Basically she can hear how god awful he is at communicating with them. So she carries the conversation. But they didn't ring to speak to her, and if their dad cba then that's up to him. She does the same when they've visited.
(She was the ow, but I try to be charitable)

Argh *hear

Sounds like she's trying to make up for your ex being rubbish which doesn't really helps and just enables him. I don't think I could ever have a decent relationship with the ow. Someone who'd cheat with a married man can't have many morals and I don't think I'd be able to get over that. If the kids are aware she was the ow I can't see their relationship ever being great with her either. Kudos to you for being able to remain civil.

Very long thread on this from recently www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4658222-if-youre-a-mum-with-a-child-who-has-a-stepmum

Ah great! Thank you 😊

Well the flip side is making up for when their mum has other things new man to do in their life so you end up trying to fill the gap because they need their mum.

Dsd is at least appreciate and her mum is too from what dsd tells me, but I feel sometimes I shouldn't have to be doing certain things. Dsd lives with us full time, as over 18 she's free to visit her mum whenever but she rarely stays over, usually returning in time for dinner

That's a shame you feel you have to make up for her mum's shortcomings but at least she's appreciative of the things you do. She's lucky to have you in her life.

I guess in your case her mum can't say too much against you when she doesn't seem that involved. I hope you and dsd get the support you need from your DP/DH.

I'm civil about her to the kids. They've decided that she and he both have no morals. But like they say, he's their dad and they want a relationship with him.
I've never come face to face so I don't know how well that'd stand up then

Kids aren't daft, they'll make their own mind up. Hopefully they get a bit of time with their dad without her being there all the time.

Face to face is a different matter, hopefully you're never put in that position. I had to bite my tongue when my DSDs mother dropped her off to me one morning because DSD was sick and off nursery and her mum had to go to college, my DP had already left for work. I was technically doing her a favour as DP wasn't due to get her until after nursery. She'd referred to me as "the help" to DP a few days earlier. 🙄

Well you'll know better for next time!

My children don't need anything from their 'step mum' and fortunately I think she appreciates this (although she doesn't live with DC's dad full time) as she has DC who also have a step mum. I have no interest in her, or her opinion on how my DC should be raised as long is she is kind to my DC when she is around them (which she seems to be) and respectful of how I am raising them, then that is enough for me.