Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Moving out.

29 replies

PizzaPastaWine · 08/11/2022 09:54

I have been together with my DP for 6 years. We moved in together a year ago. The family set up is my DC are with us 100% of the time with no DF involvement. My DP has shared care with his DC with a high conflict ex - I was not the OW and she has moved on.

It's been challenging at times if I'm honest more challenging than I'd like.

My DC are early teens and so are DPs.
Recently there has been friction at times - my DC being teens and my DP and I want to approach things differently on occasions. It stresses the hell out of me.

As for my SDC, I'll call them that despite us being unmarried - they used to engage with my DC and I, now they don't. My DP attempts to address this but our attempts are futile.
It's at the point they cannot look me in the eye or initiate any conversation with my DC or I. I feel like a stranger in my own home when they are there and it can't feel good for them. After careful discussion by my DP they have confirmed that their DM tells them not to engage with us when they are at our home.
It's a really hard position for them to be in.

So, I have my old house that I can go back to. It's a beautiful house. My DC would not be disadvantaged in any way with school and friends etc.
I think its best to provide all DC with a home that provides the least friction as possible and the SDC a safe space to be themselves.

I love my DP completely but I think without this change it will take us further into a blended family nightmare which will create far too much resentment.

DP is apprehensive but supportive.

Has anyone this and how has it gone for you?

OP posts:
ICanHideButICantRun · 08/11/2022 09:58

I think this would be better for all of the children. If you do it quickly then you can salvage your relationship, too.

AriettyHomily · 08/11/2022 10:03

It would be a no brainier for me, sounds like everyone will be happier.

Original poster
PizzaPastaWine · 08/11/2022 10:37

ICanHideButICantRun · 08/11/2022 09:58

I think this would be better for all of the children. If you do it quickly then you can salvage your relationship, too.

That's exactly what I want. My future is with my DP but not to the detriment of any of the DCs.

Although it can feel like a step back when I overthink it.

OP posts:
overthehill7 · 08/11/2022 14:14

I'm sorry the bitter ex has resulted in this being your best option. It sadden's me how these horrible women would use their own children in this way but the children sound older enough to know better at this point.

I would always put my DC first though. I would ask their opinions and if they would prefer to not being around his rude children then I would be moving out.

Your life, mental health and relationship will all benefit from this.

MeridianB · 08/11/2022 18:05

Wow. The ex sounds like poison, but your DP should be teaching his children that they don't treat others - not anyone - like this!

I bet he would have something to say if they were blanking their teachers, or grandparents. So why do you and your DC matter less?

If he's not prepared to address this immediately then, yes, I totally understand why you want to move out. So much better for you and your DC.

Original poster
PizzaPastaWine · 08/11/2022 19:02

This is the thing...my DP consistency addresses it with his DC and it makes little difference.

The DM is very hard to deal with. They have been told not to be in my company alone amongst other things. She has also said that I was the reason for them for them not being a family - this is despite us meeting years after they split.

They are both early teens (twins) and when DP had one of his discussions about their reluctance, the one DC said that he feared that his DM had a psychological disorder (their words). She's highly controlling and confrontational. It's exhausting all round.

OP posts:
Original poster
PizzaPastaWine · 08/11/2022 19:04

overthehill7 · 08/11/2022 14:14

I'm sorry the bitter ex has resulted in this being your best option. It sadden's me how these horrible women would use their own children in this way but the children sound older enough to know better at this point.

I would always put my DC first though. I would ask their opinions and if they would prefer to not being around his rude children then I would be moving out.

Your life, mental health and relationship will all benefit from this.

That's an interesting thought about asking my DC - I haven't. Partly because I didn't want them to feel 'responsible' for the move and also because I hadn't really given it much thought.

Its certainly something to consider though.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 08/11/2022 20:41

Wow again!

This may be a silly question, but if they are wise to their mother being unreasonable and they know this behaviour is wrong, what’s their rationale for doing it? In other words, there’s no way she could find out if they have ignored you or not.

They are both early teens (twins) and when DP had one of his discussions about their reluctance, the one DC said that he feared that his DM had a psychological disorder (their words). She's highly controlling and confrontational. It's exhausting all round.

This is worrying. Is DH concerned about her mental capacity and ability to care for the children? She’s already emotionally abusing them.

Original poster
PizzaPastaWine · 09/11/2022 20:58

MeridianB · 08/11/2022 20:41

Wow again!

This may be a silly question, but if they are wise to their mother being unreasonable and they know this behaviour is wrong, what’s their rationale for doing it? In other words, there’s no way she could find out if they have ignored you or not.

They are both early teens (twins) and when DP had one of his discussions about their reluctance, the one DC said that he feared that his DM had a psychological disorder (their words). She's highly controlling and confrontational. It's exhausting all round.

This is worrying. Is DH concerned about her mental capacity and ability to care for the children? She’s already emotionally abusing them.

When they speak with DP they are very reluctant to mention their DM in a negative way. And of course despite her not being present when they are here she is constantly in correspondence with them via text. It's a really odd, codependent parenting set up that is going on.

As for her mental state, we think she displays a lot of narcissistic behaviours. DP doesn't think that the DC would increase the time they have here (that's a whole other thread due to her withholding) and feels that discussing this with his ex would not achieve anything.

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 10/11/2022 05:59

I think you shouldn't move out

They are going through puberty now... Things will change again in a few years once they start to mature.

Your husband needs to take more control tbh... It's not appropriate behaviour from his children and he needs to better parent them.

MeridianB · 10/11/2022 08:21

Has he considered going to court to prevent withholding and raise the control and parental alienation issues as emotional abuse?

Original poster
PizzaPastaWine · 10/11/2022 12:03

MeridianB · 10/11/2022 08:21

Has he considered going to court to prevent withholding and raise the control and parental alienation issues as emotional abuse?

Yes he has. He started the court ball rolling and the withholding stopped.

The parental alienation is really hard to deal with - even with increased contact a court order will not change her attitude to my DP, myself and my DC. Despite her ways, the DSC are fiercely loyal to her.

SDC said during the conversation 'I know what she does...she tries to make people feel awful about themselves. I see her doing it with family and friends'. 😔

SDC would also have to move school/hobbies which they do not want to do.

I will say that for the most part they seem happy at her home.

OP posts:
Original poster
PizzaPastaWine · 10/11/2022 12:10

Guavafish1 · 10/11/2022 05:59

I think you shouldn't move out

They are going through puberty now... Things will change again in a few years once they start to mature.

Your husband needs to take more control tbh... It's not appropriate behaviour from his children and he needs to better parent them.

He's a fantastic parent. He addresses this but they just will not engage despite his understanding of their situation and strong words (at times).

It is my hope that maturity will change things...that is what's keeping me from losing it with them! At the moment they are very young in their development and act far younger than the 13 year olds that they are. DP tries hard to focus on developing independence and individual thinking much to the disapproval of DM.

OP posts:
overthehill7 · 10/11/2022 18:39

I completely agree with you that there is only so much your DP can do. You don't want it to be a constant battle and argument every time they come to visit.
If he goes in too hard on the children it will only push them further away and they would always side with their mum as they wouldn't want to upset her.

I wonder what they would say if you explained you are splitting homes because it's horrible for you & your DC to feel so uncomfortable in your own home.

Have you continued any conversations with him about it or how has it been left ?

TheSecondMrsMoorcroft · 13/11/2022 22:33

Good grief. This sounds like my life over a seventeen year relationship.

My youngest step daughter went NC for five years when DH and I married. I relocated to marry him 8yrs after his wife’s affair which ended the marriage. Soon to be ExH, her dad, was gutted but despite our both always encouraging her/my writing to her she refused contact. She was 17 and we didn’t see her until she was 22. The damage to my marriage was irreparable but, we limped along for another 5 yrs.

So, 13 yrs of walking on eggshells and not speaking up for myself. Finally, husband has said he “cannot have a relationship with his kids (now adults) and a relationship with me”. He has now moved out. We are divorcing. Best part of two decades over. Wasted years. Husband has apologised to me for “seeing how the kids were but failing to sort it out”. I am 60, bereft and about to lose my home.

I am sorry for you. @PizzaPastaWine

Palava57 · 16/11/2022 11:04

MrsMoorcroft that’s so sad 😞 And that yr DH would sacrifice you and your relationship. And not easy starting again at 60 😔
We are similar ages and I fear the same for us as the behaviour of adult SCs towards me has affected our relationship, caused rows and made me ill with stress & palpitations. While they seem completely unaffected!

TheSecondMrsMoorcroft · 16/11/2022 18:21

Oh @Palava57 its dreadful isn’t it?

In fairnesses to H, it was me that petitioned for divorce as he’d been threatening me for years. I had no choice. I’d been silenced by those threats and my self esteem was/is destroyed.

I hope you’re able to sort something out.

If I had my time again, I’d have run for the hills after meeting his kids.

Palava57 · 21/12/2022 01:02

TheSecondMrsMoorcroft how are you doing? Hope you have something nice to look forward to at Christmas. I hadn’t been on MN since last message here but find myself, after a slightly better period - largely because we were away - sleepless & again contemplating having to move out as I cannot bear the household dynamic and the lazy, entitled behaviour from resident adult DSC together with blanking me most of the time. All the promises via DH about changes in behaviour and contributing to chores etc when they moved back in have come to nothing
My friend reminded me that it was a misstep to move into the family home where I do not seem to have equal status…

Aquamarine1029 · 21/12/2022 01:23

Your poor kids. It must be miserable living in that environment. Get the fuck out of there as quickly as possible.

HamBone · 21/12/2022 03:01

I’d move back to your home and not consider moving in together again until all of your children are living independently.

One of my friends had been in a relationship with her DP for 8 years. They both have teenagers from their marriages and have decided that it’s simply better to wait until their children are adults before moving in together. It’s worked out well so far and was definitely the right decision for them. They still have a strong relationship.

musingsinmidlife · 21/12/2022 05:25

I would move out. You and your kids being there 100% of the time means that his kids have lost their home with dad. It sounds like they need that space and a place for them to be their own family unit given the conflict and friction between the parents.

Sellorkeep · 21/12/2022 09:39

I’m sorry to hear that. It’s hopefully only for a few years. If money is there he should consider getting his kids into therapy to ‘help them through the transition’ in the hope they get some independent support for the mum issues.

Palava57 · 21/12/2022 10:13

Hambone I hope that works for yr friend but I only moved in with my DP when his DC were adults and not living at home. So the problem intensified when one moved back for an indeterminate period still ongoing…

HamBone · 21/12/2022 14:22

@Palava57 I’m so sorry. She may decide not to move in at all, tbh. Having experienced one marital breakdown, she’s not keen to get so involved again.

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 14:41

Yep I'd be gone like a shot OP if you have the option and the support of your partner. It's a no brainer really.

Swipe left for the next trending thread