Am I Built For This?

[Dogchewedmyslippers]

I’m dating a man who I have known for a number of years. We have had a wonderful 9 months together and feel happy. He has a 7 yo daughter shared 50/50 in a workable co-parenting situation.

I am thinking of the future and came to this page for information as I have some worries and it seems many of them are well founded!!! Reading all these posts, I don’t think I’m emotionally right for this relationship.

I worry that his child sounds spoilt and entitled. They have a very close relationship which sounds lovely but minimal discipline (he says she doesn’t listen or do what he says) and a lot of indulgence (she has to be persuaded to do everything and seems all on her terms). Does it sound like the guilty parenting I am reading about here? Or am I over reacting? I have never met her so am only taking what he says to me.

He is in daily contact with his ex wife about many details which makes my stomach sink as his phone is always pinging away. I understand they are doing this together, and the child comes first, but I wonder how this would impact my life

I realise this probably makes me a bad and jealous/selfish person but as it stands I’m not yet in that sort of relationship and think it makes sense to explore how I truly feel before getting entangled in someone’s life, especially a child’s as I understand it can have far reaching consequences.

Any advice? Are my feelings normal? Is there something I can do to work out if this is as bad as I think? Am I just getting scared and ahead of myself after reading all of the difficulties here?

Hmm, doesn't sound ideal.

How old are you?

43 and no kids of my own

No. If you’re having reservations after a few months about the child being spoiled and needy and the mother contacting him making you uncomfortable then it’s not workable.

Are you looking for something serious? I think the mistake many people make is thinking they must move in and be one big happy family. If DH (god forbid) passed away or something I would consider dating again but I would date casually. I would never consider a ‘blended family’ and being a stepmum.

I am looking for something serious, yes.

@Kanaloa This might sound silly but what sort of person do you need to be to do this? What sort of things would I say that made you say yes you are likely to do well?

I am the anomaly - never married and no kids, if I want a relationship it is unlikely I will meet someone in the same situation. That doesn’t mean I am willing to jump into something which is wrong, but maybe that means I need to resign myself to being single?

Is this a valid concern? I mean - do you both only see the relationship continuing if at some point you do the whole living together thing? Why can't it continue as it is?

I ask because everyone I have dated has been on same page as me in that like poster above I have no intention of living with anyone again nor will I ever do the blended family thing. I raise my kids, well coparent with my ex, and have no wish to help raise anyone else's. Anyone that wanted more than I could offer was let go to find that. I know I'm not cut out to be a stepmon especially with a Disney dad.

I’m a step parent and genuinely love my step kids. I would walk through fire for them. If I didn’t feel that way then I wouldn’t have married someone with kids. All children can be irritating and rude at times. Whilst I’m sure children being brought up badly is a genuine issue for some step mums, I think more often it’s that lots and lots of time with children you don’t love, is always going to be hard work.
I’m not their mum and I’m lucky that their mum is happily married and all parties (whilst continually a little bit annoyed by one thing or another), put the kids first.
But if something happened to my husband or his ex wife, I would be there in a heartbeat. I made that decision that my love for them was going to be unconditional. I know it’s a very unpopular thing to say, but I just don’t think it works when kids are young if you don’t decide to love them (and it is a choice because no child should have to earn love, it should be a gift and steady rock for them).

@Slothmomma this is an interesting question. He has said his aim is to make a little family unit with the right person. This means buying a house and living together.

He split from his ex when the child was a baby and the parents have remained single/not introduced partners. He wants her to see and live within a loving relationship as she has missed out. He isn’t bothered about having more kids.

Honestly I think very very few people are really built to be a stepparent. That’s not a criticism - I know for a fact I couldn’t do it. No way, no how. Especially not in this situation. It’s not that you’d need to say anything to make me think you would do well, but all these little niggles aren’t going to disappear with time. If you think the child is spoiled and her mother is annoying now, you’re hardly going to feel better about it when it’s 24/7. You’ll end up resenting the child and your partner.

My DH does a good job of it, but it’s a totally different situation because my kids have no father in their life - he is the father to their siblings and has been their only father since they were very young. I think in that case many people could do ok, because it’s similar to adoption where you become the ‘parent’ of that child. But with the other parent still around, the hassle of two homes, never being able to discipline or have a day in the child’s upbringing, having to always consider a child that isn’t yours in every plan… I think it would be a special person who could do it to a high standard and not resent it deeply.

@Managinggenzoclock

Did you decide to love them before meeting them? I think I am mostly scared of the unknown and getting stuck/getting it wrong.

I get on well with my friends’ kids and have nephews and nieces who I’m close to so I’m not anti child and can feel affection for other people’s children

It’s just this one is unknown and I’m worried for the worst after reading everything here. He is a wonderful man, so loving and kind. What if this child hates me for taking her Dad’s time, no matter how positively I feel about her?

I am the anomaly - never married and no kids, if I want a relationship it is unlikely I will meet someone in the same situation.

there are plenty of men without children out there. They might have been married before, but it’s not a given that you have to resign yourself to a stepfamily because you’re a certain age or whatever.

Honestly, no. This doesn’t sound the relationship for you.

But I think it’s great you are thinking about this now. Too many people don’t, move in and then find they aren’t the sort of people that can do it. Feel trapped and everyone ends up worse off.

You don’t like the sounds of the vile or how he deals with the child. You don’t like that he is constant contact with his ex. You coming in and trying to change that wouldn’t be right. Him having a child will impact your daily life. That hard enough when they are your own. When it’s a child that’s not yours and you aren’t that keen on, it will be miserable.

I suspect I’d you try to end it he will give you the ‘I will change’ speech. But long term he won’t.

I couldn’t do it either tbh. There plenty of men who do t have kids or who have older kids.

@Ekátn I wouldn’t try to change anything, I would put up with it as not feel it my place to make changes.

This I think would be part of the problem, as if I felt unhappy I may also feel powerless to make comment or change. I have read about being an outsider in a stepparent relationship and I’m not sure I would manage that well.

Exactly, you would need to try and change or remain unhappy.

You won’t do the first. So why be in a relationship where you know you would spend a lot of the time unhappy.

It’s just not for you and there’s no shame it that.

I'm 47 no kids.

If something were to happen to DH, I'd maybe consider someone with adult children. Maybe.

But I'd never ever be a step mother again (first marriage not current). All the things you mention now will just become bigger issues in your life.

@Ekátn what sort of changes do you think would be needed on my part?

OP unfortunately the signs are there for a shit time with step parenting with this man.

I've been a step parent twice, one good and one bad experience. Permissive parenting is the death of a solid, team work type of relationship.

If you like him then continue to see him but don't get involved with his dd. It will irritate you more as time goes on. Unless you're very good at being detached and you don't mind being the outsider?

I'd tell him your concerns. He might pull it out the bag but you can't be nowhere near his relationship with his kid whilst he does so - you'll end up the bad guy in both their eyes.

I'd dump and run. There are decent men out there who either don't have primary aged dc or who actually parent them with boundaries and consistency.

There’s no changes needed on your part.

You can’t change to accept he is a poor parent with poor boundaries. You can’t change to accept that every time you want to do something the child needs to be placated and cajoled if they aren’t happy. Or change to enjoy your life with his dd being the focus the ex having to be considered every time.

I co parented, I didn’t have constant contact with the kids dad. Not even when we were together. That doesn’t seem like something you need to get used to either.

This isn’t about you changing. It’s about it not being right for you.

So basically unless everything is really well managed and you are very easy going/not precious about arrangements, exes being part of your life etc, step parenting is maybe not right for most people?

Have you met the child yet?

@caffelattetogo No, haven’t met the child and wouldn’t jump into that, I’m extremely cautious. I don’t want to cause problems for anyone. This is the reason for asking for advice

I might be reading too much into it, she sounds sweet and kind at the same time as there being comments about her not doing as she is told. But then aren’t all kids difficult to get dressed in the morning or out of the door sometimes?

Well… yes, unfortunately. If you marry someone with a child the ex will ALWAYS be part of your life. They will have contact about the child, they will attend certain events together, they will always be important to your partner in a way. And if raising the child isn’t well managed then you’ll feel resentful and annoyed because you won’t be able to step in and sort things, you’ll just need to watch your partner being a poor parent and that’s very aggravating.

It's sooo aggravating watching shit parenting @Kanaloa

If they can't manage their 7/8/9 yr olds there is no chance for a smooth enough teenage year ride. Plus it's utterly shit always being the bad guy. Step mums have higher rates of depression then step dads and birth mums. Don't put yourself through it OP.

I wouldn't even consider being part of a blended family, I don't like other peoples children.

Get out while you can. Spoilt, entitled only child = nightmare for any prospective step-parent.

Great that you’re so cautious, OP.

From my own experience, and what I’ve read on MN, I think it depends enormously on how the child’s parents behave with her and with each other. If one or both are failing to parent property through guilt or to over-compensate for the split, then you are likely to have ongoing frustrations and challenges.

If the ex is high conflict and your DP wants a quiet life then you will face losing some control over your own choices.

Happy to share examples of what this could look like if it would help.

It’s very hard for you to tell what sort of a parent your DP is without seeing him with his child. But the flags that are already appearing around his DD’s behaviour give you some clues. I’d really listen closely when he talks about their time together and how he views his ex.