Am I Built For This?

[Dogchewedmyslippers]

I’m dating a man who I have known for a number of years. We have had a wonderful 9 months together and feel happy. He has a 7 yo daughter shared 50/50 in a workable co-parenting situation.

I am thinking of the future and came to this page for information as I have some worries and it seems many of them are well founded!!! Reading all these posts, I don’t think I’m emotionally right for this relationship.

I worry that his child sounds spoilt and entitled. They have a very close relationship which sounds lovely but minimal discipline (he says she doesn’t listen or do what he says) and a lot of indulgence (she has to be persuaded to do everything and seems all on her terms). Does it sound like the guilty parenting I am reading about here? Or am I over reacting? I have never met her so am only taking what he says to me.

He is in daily contact with his ex wife about many details which makes my stomach sink as his phone is always pinging away. I understand they are doing this together, and the child comes first, but I wonder how this would impact my life

I realise this probably makes me a bad and jealous/selfish person but as it stands I’m not yet in that sort of relationship and think it makes sense to explore how I truly feel before getting entangled in someone’s life, especially a child’s as I understand it can have far reaching consequences.

Any advice? Are my feelings normal? Is there something I can do to work out if this is as bad as I think? Am I just getting scared and ahead of myself after reading all of the difficulties here?

Thank you for your replies

We haven’t talked much about it but I understand he prioritises fun but she has a good bedtime and isn’t fussy with food. I think there has been some emotional reliance on the child and she is quite sheltered.

I’m not sure how to broach the subject without sounding judgemental on his parenting or making it seem his child is badly behaved. I understand primary kids act a certain way anyway so could be blowing this out of proportion.

I’ve suggested that a child could feel threatened by the time usually spent 100% 1 on 1 with a parent being diluted by a partner. He has dismissed this as she is outgoing, loves people and always wants more of them to be invited/involved in things. I fear this is naive

The child and his set-up sound normal to me. I don't think it's right for most people. I'd say it's really not right for someone who maybe didn't want children themselves?

*just because it's basically the worst of both worlds

This set up sounds like it would be hell to live with. Don't blend, stay dating if you can, though I suspect once he realises you are not going to blend he will move on - he wants someone to do the wife work and the drudge part of the parenting.

I’ve suggested that a child could feel threatened by the time usually spent 100% 1 on 1 with a parent being diluted by a partner. He has dismissed this as she is outgoing, loves people and always wants more of them to be invited/involved in things. I fear this is naive

Sounds like you’re being way more realistic about this than he is! Maintaining 1:1 time is hugely important for his child.

Yeah, if you had said you & this chap were happily dating & no plans for anything more, I'd've said fine.

I managed a very nice fwb situation for a couple of years in my 40s. His grown up dc were vaguely aware he was seeing someone. My younger kids were vaguely aware I used to disappear for the evening for a 'sleepover with a friend' (they're late teens now, have worked out that mum was probably not getting much sleep, & think this is quite hilarious).

We never introduced each other to our respective kids, because we both knew one of us would move on - geographically, we both work abroad - sooner rather than later.

Still on friendly terms, still chat & go for the odd drink if in the same country. If one of my dc ever met him & figured out that it was 'Dave' I was having those 'sleepovers' with - absolutely fine. He's a nice bloke.

But you & your chap both seem to want more. Which is NOT going to work given your really sensible reservations.

So it's fwb/casual dating where you are daddy's pleasant but uninvolved girlfriend, or call it a day & wish each other well, I think. The 9yo doesn't need to be part of an experiment which you're so unenthusiastic about! I think you are being very sensible to avoid.

I don’t think it is for most people. And yes, it needs to be a good situation before you get involved. and then it has to suit you. This one doesn’t suit you.

Having read through what you’ve said it’s made me think about what makes our situation work and I’ve come up with the top things:

• my DH has always been open to discussion about how to address situations including behaviour about his DD and it’s never just been his way
• i don’t see his ex as a threat to us in any way
• DSD is lovely and generally a lot of fun (not all the time obvs as kids are annoying)

Having said all of that I also learnt about 3 years in that i was much better off having little to no contact with his ex as it just gave me more peace and if there were things that the ex did that we weren’t happy with I learnt to disengage. DH might be ranting and raving and I’d listen but I wouldn’t let myself get annoyed etc as there was no point; wr had no control over what she did and I put my energy into what we could control. im not sure you can really know anything about if you’re cut out for it until you’re in it and you certainly can’t know what his child is like until you spend time with her

I don't think it's about you or your personality.

He's admitting his own child is spoiled, he prioritises fun and she doesn't do as she's told.

I don't think there's a person alive that wouldn't find that incredibly annoying.

It will only get worse when she becomes a pre teen then teenager.

The good step parenting relationships I know are the ones where the parent isn't lazy and isn't spoiling their child.

OP, there’s nothing you can do to make the situation better. You sound very sensible and clearly would want to do the best possible, that’s about all that could be expected of you.

The issue is that his child is entitled and that will be a nightmare. My child is a spoiled but not entitled, there is a difference.

You also have the issue that his ex is used to being in daily contact and also there have been no other partners in the child’s life. Once you’re introduced it will lead to a lot of problems. His ex will potentially be jealous and spiteful and try to throw a spanner in the works all the time. She will have to get used to her child getting close to another woman, playing “happy families” when she doesn’t have that herself. Your current protected time with your DP will no longer be protected once you’re blended and your plans will be prone to changing at the last minute on his exes demands.

To he honest all of the above can apply even when the ex is with someone else and even if she has moved on first. It’s very much a “do as I say, not as I do” situation.

If I found myself single again I would not be a step-parent (unless adults). The stress is unbelievable.

Don't think that if you choose to walk away you’ll end up alone, there’s plenty of men out there without kids either by choice or circumstance

I’m a step parent and wish I saw these warnings for what they were. My honest advice would be run!

I'm a step mum and I love my two stepdaughters. But I won't lie, it can be sensationally hard. There have been times that it's been so hard that I've asked myself why I chose a man with kids.

It ultimately boils down to whether you are happy to not be the most important thing in his life? I know that sounds simplistic and of course there will be varying degrees of it, but his priority will always be his child. So if you need a relationship where you need to feel like his #1 at all times, you may struggle.

That doesn't also mean it's doomed. It can work out amazingly well and there are many benefits to being with somebody with a child too.

I'd recommend reading some books such as Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin.

Good luck, whatever you choose. Also remember that things do also tend to improve over time when all the teething problems have been ironed out/boundaries put in place etc etc.

@Managinggenzoclock Your post made me cry. I wish my stepmother had been like you. Your stepkids are lucky to have you in their lives.

Personally I wouldn't chose to be with someone with children if I didn't have any myself. Children come with a lot of sacrifices and you'll never be his priority. You won't be able to go on last minute adult only holidays, weekends away etc. it will come with the guilt of... you left the step child behind and how mean you'd be blah blah. I would hunt down a man with no children so it is all just about you two and not the needs of a young child. You'll end up resenting for sure!
I am a step mum and have children with my partner and it irritates me that my partner puts their needs before our own children. They always come first because he has guilt about not living with them full time. If they say jump he says how high! He will drop our plans to sort them out in a heartbeat. Frustrating or what!!!

In honesty if you’re having reservations now I’d think about this properly. If you met his daughter you’d see her spoilt ways which would grate on you. You’ll probably grin and bare it for a while then it’ll really start to annoy you especially if she’s rude to you. You read on here a lot of SM that cannot wait for their partners/husbands kids to leave again. It’s not a nice feeling at all. When I got with my partner who has kids I was looking in at rose tinted windows. It has not been that at all. It’s not been awful but it’s also had it’s challenges. Sometimes I consider if it’s worth it but then the kids do something sweet and I think okay yes I can handle this. It’s a rollercoaster just remember at 7 she’s still very young so not quite the teenage years of just sitting in her room all day going out with friends etc. it’s a lot to take on BUT can be very rewarding

This is so relatable! I’m someone with no kids of my own but yes that’s another thing quite often single dads will parent through guilt not always but it sounds like your partner does too. The kids know that too and will play them at the game.