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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Clingy DSD

38 replies

AlmondCoffee · 05/11/2022 08:30

Is this normal for a 10yo girl to be so clingy?

Please tell me if I'm unreasonable, I need reality check.
With DP 3 years, very good relationship in general and I have a very good relationship with his daughter.
But sometimes I just can't look at what they two are doing! It makes me sick.

She is here 50 % of time, it is flexible so it happens she is here for 3rd weekend in a row. Since he picks her up from school they are inseparable. They lay on the bed cuddle, saying how much they two love each other, they watch movies cuddling on the sofa, from the other room I hear she tells him 5 times daddy I love you so so much, kisses him, he kisses her back. He says he loves her. She comes to me a few times a day to say how much she loves him, just so I know.

I went food shopping yesterday and was away for just over an hr. Walked in the door to see them cuddling on the sofa watching a movie. She then says with the angry voice: Why it took you so long? Were have you been??
I took a book and read it in the bedroom whilst they two were in the living room. DP goes toilet, she calls him 3 times within 5mins. Then he asks me if I can go and watch the movie with her so she isn't alone. Nope DP, I want to read. Jezus christ, she is 10 and I would think she can be left alone in front of TV for 15 minutes. He comes out then she runs to him and questions him what has he been doing there, why did it dake him so long? He of course is explaining himself, you know he would never want to hurt her feelings.

She is 10. I did have conversation with DP about the privacy and how his DD needs alone time when she is having a bath. All fine, he understands, stopped going in there whilst she is having a bath but now she insists he is there and talks to her all the time.

She wants late nights with movies with him, there was a big drama last night as he turned the TV off at 10pm and asked her to go to bed. She wanted to stay up late with him so she cried herself to sleep. She is now cross with me because she knows we spent some time together when she was asleep.

Everything she does is super special, even when she sneezes its a wow moment. There is so many of these miments because of course she is the best child in the world, the smartest and the most talented and the best behaved. DP says how rude it was at last weekend's party for people to talk about their children all the time and no one specifically asked DP how is she doing and made a conversation about her.

Sorry for the tone, I'm so frustrated. I have a 12yo but neither me or him are so clingy. I still love him so much and tell him this but it is never as extreme as DP and his DD. Is this normal? Is this some sort of step mother jealousy and do I need to take a grip?

OP posts:

LovelyBitOfSquirrel69 · 05/11/2022 08:40

Doesn't sound normal to me, no.

PortalooSunset · 05/11/2022 08:47

There was a thread like this last week which was deleted.
Some kids are clingier than others. Or maybe she's trying to exclude you.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 05/11/2022 08:50

You’re going to get people ripping into you saying your DP doesn’t see his daughter full time and it’s lovely they’re so close blah blah but this dynamic is clearly unhealthy.

You very clearly have a DP issue, it sounds like he views your relationship as nothing more than a time-filler for when his DD isn’t around. Personally I’d be running away from this relationship, fast.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 05/11/2022 08:55

PortalooSunset · 05/11/2022 08:47

There was a thread like this last week which was deleted.
Some kids are clingier than others. Or maybe she's trying to exclude you.

I thought this sounded familiar!

Original poster

AlmondCoffee · 05/11/2022 08:56

@PortalooSunset I'm not usually on this board and have missed it!

OP posts:

familyissues12345 · 05/11/2022 08:59

Oh that sounds a bit odd. What's her relationship like with her mum?

Original poster

AlmondCoffee · 05/11/2022 08:59

I do get that they are missing each other, I really do.
But they are messaging and are in a video call every day. Every single day. So it's not like she doesn't see him for a week and is catching up.

OP posts:

FlibbertyGiblets · 05/11/2022 09:02

Does she always have to share her dad with you? Perhaps he needs to take her out and do stuff one to one.

firesideglow · 05/11/2022 09:15

If this was your own child, one you had with this partner, would you be saying these things?

She seems a bit clingy yes, but I don't think wanting to spend time with her Daddy watching movies and cuddling is that weird. She sounds insecure more than anything.

gogohmm · 05/11/2022 09:19

She sounds very insecure. I'm wondering if she's got a good relationship with her mother too? Has she been pushed out?

Your dp needs to establish boundaries, nothing wrong with a cuddle watching a movie but as you described, she then needs to go to bed. In the daytimes on weekends they need to be able to do things but include you too.

My DD's are still cuddly as adults, it's not weird, dsd (adult) gives her dad huge hugs too. But we have boundaries, they get told they can't come with us out sometimes for instance (I think us paying is the big attraction!)

JubileeTrifle · 05/11/2022 09:21

I know someone like this. The thing is the dad has 2 older children with other women he couldn’t be arsed with (boys), had a daughter and thinks she is the second coming. Literally everything is amazing and brilliant and she is the best at everything that she ever does and spoils her rotten.
Literally posts videos of her just dancing about in the house and how brilliant she is and talented. Everything revolves around her. I don’t think it’s a healthy relationship.
I also feel very sorry for his other children.

decayingmatter · 05/11/2022 09:29

My ex used to be like this with his daughter and I used to worry for her that adult life would be such a shock to her, having been brought up in a bubble of everything she did being special and amazing, and used to instant gratification at all times

pastabakeonaplate · 05/11/2022 09:48

She then says with the angry voice: Why it took you so long? Were have you been?? and how did you or DP react to this?! It's bang out of order for her to be speaking to you like this.

Original poster

AlmondCoffee · 05/11/2022 09:59

pastabakeonaplate · 05/11/2022 09:48

She then says with the angry voice: Why it took you so long? Were have you been?? and how did you or DP react to this?! It's bang out of order for her to be speaking to you like this.

Before DP had a chance to react I have answered: why, do I have a time limit?
She got the message and DP is usually pretty good with her when she talks to me like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

AlmondCoffee · 05/11/2022 09:59

decayingmatter · 05/11/2022 09:29

How is your DD now?

OP posts:

IntrovertedPenguin · 05/11/2022 10:04

Unhealthy.

My ds6 loves cuddles and is very loving but no where near to the scale of this. He can still entertain himself, and doesn't follow me around.

He needs to put some boundaries in before she grows up behaving like this in her 20s.

Snugglemonkey · 05/11/2022 10:07

I see why this might feel uncomfortable, but the thing that strikes me is the way you talk about her. It doesn't sound like you like her very much. Might she know that? She sounds quite insecure, what was her parent's split like and has she processed that and settled? If she was already insecure and feels in competition with you, I can see why she is seeking the reassurance if all the I love yous etc. What is your partner saying about this?

pastabakeonaplate · 05/11/2022 10:09

AlmondCoffee · 05/11/2022 09:59

Before DP had a chance to react I have answered: why, do I have a time limit?
She got the message and DP is usually pretty good with her when she talks to me like this.

Show quote history

Good good keep it up

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/11/2022 10:31

She sounds desperately insecure and he sounds scared and weak. Is she like this with her mum? Does her mum have a partner or any other children?

You sound incredibly annoyed and if you feel this way when she’s 10 if nothings changed by the time she’s 15 or 16 you’ll be tearing your hair out.

A ten year old shouldn’t be staying up that late often and crying herself to sleep is so extreme.

It’s okay to decide this dynamic isn’t for you.

roarfeckingroarr · 05/11/2022 10:59

It's a bit weird and probably very annoying.

I'm very much like this... with my 2 year old.

She's definitely marking her territory so she probably feels a bit insecure. Not sure what to suggest.

grayhairdontcare · 05/11/2022 11:03

He sounds very Disney dad and doesn't seem to be setting boundaries

Original poster

AlmondCoffee · 05/11/2022 11:07

Your perspective helps. It's not that I don't like her. We have a really good relationship but when these tings happen I get so annoyed and I'm not sure how to tackle it

If she is insecure, would more 1 to 1 time with her dad help?

How do I speak to DP?

She has really close relationship with mum but doesn't listen to her at all. Talks a lot about her how lovely beautiful and cool she is. Mum has a partner and no more children involved. DP's DD is upset because mum no longer sleeps with her (she now sleeps with her partner) and no longer watches telly with her until late hours (she now does this with her partner).

OP posts:

allboysmum3 · 05/11/2022 11:14

Urgh this would drive me insane. Sounds like she's marking "her" territory (her dad). She sounds very insecure and needy. Your DP isn't doing her any favours by entertaining this behaviour. He needs to set boundaries and quick because it's very unhealthy to be this clingy at the age of 10.

LittleOwl153 · 05/11/2022 11:25

Up until the point you mentioned her thinking you were too long shopping or needing you to sit with her watching TV as DP was put of the room, I would say she's tertiary marking and maybe has attachment disorders with your DP due to the split family.

However the needing you there too suggests something else. That's really needy behaviour. I wonder if she's been traumatised by something, having been left alone somewhere or a fear of that happening. My dd for example has fears around people being late home if they are driving since we were involved in a car accident (she was in the car).

Its clearly something that needs addressing so that she doesnt grow up with this. He dad needs to talk to her mum and they need to act the same with her to get things straight, reassuring her on the way - or maybe get her some counselling or other support, speak to school?

Original poster

AlmondCoffee · 05/11/2022 11:37

I'm on the edge. I don't think she does it on purpose but then I'm not sure when she does things like questioning me where have I been, what have I been doing almost as if she was trying to be the adult telling me off here and showing me where my place is?

But I may see thing in a wrong way. Maybe I read into this too much. But if that's the case I want to stop doing it before it does damage to our relationship.

OP posts:

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