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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Clingy DSD

38 replies

AlmondCoffee · 05/11/2022 08:30

Is this normal for a 10yo girl to be so clingy?

Please tell me if I'm unreasonable, I need reality check.
With DP 3 years, very good relationship in general and I have a very good relationship with his daughter.
But sometimes I just can't look at what they two are doing! It makes me sick.

She is here 50 % of time, it is flexible so it happens she is here for 3rd weekend in a row. Since he picks her up from school they are inseparable. They lay on the bed cuddle, saying how much they two love each other, they watch movies cuddling on the sofa, from the other room I hear she tells him 5 times daddy I love you so so much, kisses him, he kisses her back. He says he loves her. She comes to me a few times a day to say how much she loves him, just so I know.

I went food shopping yesterday and was away for just over an hr. Walked in the door to see them cuddling on the sofa watching a movie. She then says with the angry voice: Why it took you so long? Were have you been??
I took a book and read it in the bedroom whilst they two were in the living room. DP goes toilet, she calls him 3 times within 5mins. Then he asks me if I can go and watch the movie with her so she isn't alone. Nope DP, I want to read. Jezus christ, she is 10 and I would think she can be left alone in front of TV for 15 minutes. He comes out then she runs to him and questions him what has he been doing there, why did it dake him so long? He of course is explaining himself, you know he would never want to hurt her feelings.

She is 10. I did have conversation with DP about the privacy and how his DD needs alone time when she is having a bath. All fine, he understands, stopped going in there whilst she is having a bath but now she insists he is there and talks to her all the time.

She wants late nights with movies with him, there was a big drama last night as he turned the TV off at 10pm and asked her to go to bed. She wanted to stay up late with him so she cried herself to sleep. She is now cross with me because she knows we spent some time together when she was asleep.

Everything she does is super special, even when she sneezes its a wow moment. There is so many of these miments because of course she is the best child in the world, the smartest and the most talented and the best behaved. DP says how rude it was at last weekend's party for people to talk about their children all the time and no one specifically asked DP how is she doing and made a conversation about her.

Sorry for the tone, I'm so frustrated. I have a 12yo but neither me or him are so clingy. I still love him so much and tell him this but it is never as extreme as DP and his DD. Is this normal? Is this some sort of step mother jealousy and do I need to take a grip?

OP posts:
pastabakeonaplate · 05/11/2022 13:01

AlmondCoffee · 05/11/2022 11:37

I'm on the edge. I don't think she does it on purpose but then I'm not sure when she does things like questioning me where have I been, what have I been doing almost as if she was trying to be the adult telling me off here and showing me where my place is?

But I may see thing in a wrong way. Maybe I read into this too much. But if that's the case I want to stop doing it before it does damage to our relationship.

Keep challenging it.

Sweetcakelady · 05/11/2022 13:13

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Quartz2208 · 05/11/2022 13:37

It sounds as if both parents were lonely when they split (how old was she) and made her not only the centre of the world but almost an adult friend whom they spent time with (including staying up late) and have now created this.

And both now have partners and both now have the adult company they want but dont know how to reset the relationship.

The poor girl - her parents have really done a number on her with this

MeridianB · 05/11/2022 18:14

She sounds insecure, possibly with attachment issues. But it doesn’t sound related to/directed at you.

I agree with PP that DP sounds blinkered and you may as well not be there when DD is there.

Not wanting to be alone, not bathing or sleeping alone - these are not usual for 10 yo and her parents need to understand what’s driving this, so they can help her.

Late nights watching movies to 10pm? No way. Time for her dad to parent her instead of trying to be her friend.

Unless there’s some thing really compelling about DP/your relationship then I’d be letting them get on with it.

BaconCabbage · 05/11/2022 23:13

Quartz2208 · 05/11/2022 13:37

It sounds as if both parents were lonely when they split (how old was she) and made her not only the centre of the world but almost an adult friend whom they spent time with (including staying up late) and have now created this.

And both now have partners and both now have the adult company they want but dont know how to reset the relationship.

The poor girl - her parents have really done a number on her with this

This. DP needs to set appropriate boundaries so she knows what is expected of her. She does sound insecure, maybe some age appropriate expectations could give her some stability and help her build confidence?

Theunamedcat · 05/11/2022 23:27

My 13 tear old asks me where I've been but he has serious anxiety issues

It does sound rather unhealthy I've seen the older version on the train the other day constantly patting touching at each other arms and legs entangled I thought it was an older man younger girl scenario then I realised it was dad/daughter scenario it wasn't pleasant to sit near constant touching oh please please can I have this (pouting batting eyes) oooh your mom will go maaaad if I doooo oooh love you! Love you even moooorree!!!! I'm thinking I feel sorry for anyone near this relationship there isn't even airspace between them let alone space for another human being

Just unhealthy (he was probably judging me too tbh one ds on a tablet the other talking pokemon at me while I'm on my phone 🤣

Original poster
AlmondCoffee · 06/11/2022 17:28

Quartz2208 · 05/11/2022 13:37

It sounds as if both parents were lonely when they split (how old was she) and made her not only the centre of the world but almost an adult friend whom they spent time with (including staying up late) and have now created this.

And both now have partners and both now have the adult company they want but dont know how to reset the relationship.

The poor girl - her parents have really done a number on her with this

I think you are spot on. She was 6 when they split but, from what DP says, I suspect this has been going on for a little longer.
I'm not sure there is a way to reset it now without upsetting DD

OP posts:
SweetChild0mine · 06/11/2022 18:30

AlmondCoffee · 05/11/2022 08:30

Is this normal for a 10yo girl to be so clingy?

Please tell me if I'm unreasonable, I need reality check.
With DP 3 years, very good relationship in general and I have a very good relationship with his daughter.
But sometimes I just can't look at what they two are doing! It makes me sick.

She is here 50 % of time, it is flexible so it happens she is here for 3rd weekend in a row. Since he picks her up from school they are inseparable. They lay on the bed cuddle, saying how much they two love each other, they watch movies cuddling on the sofa, from the other room I hear she tells him 5 times daddy I love you so so much, kisses him, he kisses her back. He says he loves her. She comes to me a few times a day to say how much she loves him, just so I know.

I went food shopping yesterday and was away for just over an hr. Walked in the door to see them cuddling on the sofa watching a movie. She then says with the angry voice: Why it took you so long? Were have you been??
I took a book and read it in the bedroom whilst they two were in the living room. DP goes toilet, she calls him 3 times within 5mins. Then he asks me if I can go and watch the movie with her so she isn't alone. Nope DP, I want to read. Jezus christ, she is 10 and I would think she can be left alone in front of TV for 15 minutes. He comes out then she runs to him and questions him what has he been doing there, why did it dake him so long? He of course is explaining himself, you know he would never want to hurt her feelings.

She is 10. I did have conversation with DP about the privacy and how his DD needs alone time when she is having a bath. All fine, he understands, stopped going in there whilst she is having a bath but now she insists he is there and talks to her all the time.

She wants late nights with movies with him, there was a big drama last night as he turned the TV off at 10pm and asked her to go to bed. She wanted to stay up late with him so she cried herself to sleep. She is now cross with me because she knows we spent some time together when she was asleep.

Everything she does is super special, even when she sneezes its a wow moment. There is so many of these miments because of course she is the best child in the world, the smartest and the most talented and the best behaved. DP says how rude it was at last weekend's party for people to talk about their children all the time and no one specifically asked DP how is she doing and made a conversation about her.

Sorry for the tone, I'm so frustrated. I have a 12yo but neither me or him are so clingy. I still love him so much and tell him this but it is never as extreme as DP and his DD. Is this normal? Is this some sort of step mother jealousy and do I need to take a grip?

Would drive me insane.

She will expect the world to revolve around her but the fact your partner was annoyed no one asked him about his kids at the party would suggest he is the same.

You need to speak to him, probably won't go down well but it's all unhealthy. I suspect he wants to do the right thing as he stopped going into the bathroom when you said it wasn't right, but how is he going to deal with her as a teen when she is so demanding now?

Your own child must run for the hills when she's around?

mileaminute · 06/11/2022 18:46

Little wife syndrome.

My dsd was similar at that age. I'd find love letters to her dad laying around, she'd always have to be sat RIGHT next to him, pushing her younger sister (also my dsd) out of the way. Would insist on making his breakfast, baking him cakes, etc.

I think it's not out of the realms of normality for children who don't live with their parent full time. It can be annoying to be witness to but they're both okay with it. Of course, he should pull her up on any rudeness towards you though.

It passes Smile DSD is 15 now and has a great relationship with her dad and we get on like a house on fire.

SweetChild0mine · 06/11/2022 18:47

mileaminute · 06/11/2022 18:46

Little wife syndrome.

My dsd was similar at that age. I'd find love letters to her dad laying around, she'd always have to be sat RIGHT next to him, pushing her younger sister (also my dsd) out of the way. Would insist on making his breakfast, baking him cakes, etc.

I think it's not out of the realms of normality for children who don't live with their parent full time. It can be annoying to be witness to but they're both okay with it. Of course, he should pull her up on any rudeness towards you though.

It passes Smile DSD is 15 now and has a great relationship with her dad and we get on like a house on fire.

Elaborate on the little wife syndrome comment please?

mileaminute · 06/11/2022 18:53

It was something mentioned to me when I posted about my similar situation years ago on MN. It really resonated with me.

There's loads on google, here's a cut and paste

"is when the stepchild acts as if she were the mother of the family. This behavior is often linked to guilt parenting (sometimes even Disneyland Dad parenting) and a history of uncorrected behavior by the parents.
In general, stepkids tend to be possessive of their parents, resulting in jealousy and uncertainty to their new stepparent."

And a possible reason why:

"Your partner was (or currently is) unhappy with his relationships, particularly with his ex-wife. Subconsciously, your partner may be raising your stepdaughter emotionally to be his “partner.”
The child, wanting their parent to be happy, stepped into a role that helped their parent to feel less alone and better supported. They picked up slack that wasn’t theirs to take on, but they did it with good intentions."

Kanaloa · 06/11/2022 18:55

She sounds insecure, which isn’t unusual when a child has been through a family breakdown. Some of the stuff (constantly calling for him etc) sounds unusual. Messaging or talking every day isn’t. It’s normal for a parent and child to speak every day.

It also sounds like her parents have been lax with certain things - for example you mention she’s upset because she ‘isn’t allowed late nights with mum anymore’ since she now stays up with her new partner. I mean, way to make the child feel pushed out and replaced. If she was allowed to stay up watching films before and suddenly isn’t, of course this will be upsetting.

But presumably this isn’t a new thing. Did it bother you when you met her father and started seeing him? If so, why did you then think blending your families was a good idea?

SweetChild0mine · 06/11/2022 19:02

mileaminute · 06/11/2022 18:53

It was something mentioned to me when I posted about my similar situation years ago on MN. It really resonated with me.

There's loads on google, here's a cut and paste

"is when the stepchild acts as if she were the mother of the family. This behavior is often linked to guilt parenting (sometimes even Disneyland Dad parenting) and a history of uncorrected behavior by the parents.
In general, stepkids tend to be possessive of their parents, resulting in jealousy and uncertainty to their new stepparent."

And a possible reason why:

"Your partner was (or currently is) unhappy with his relationships, particularly with his ex-wife. Subconsciously, your partner may be raising your stepdaughter emotionally to be his “partner.”
The child, wanting their parent to be happy, stepped into a role that helped their parent to feel less alone and better supported. They picked up slack that wasn’t theirs to take on, but they did it with good intentions."

Makes sense! I bet slot of kids fall into this position unknowingly

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