Frustrated with some stepmum, I need help

[singlemumhelp]

I just need some advice that things get better. My eldest son dad left us when he was 16 months old for someone who claimed to be our friend and often said she loved our life. Fast forward 7 years and after the first year of us still sleeping with each other etc (and she had proof of this but has stayed with him and yes I shouldn’t have but back then I was young and hoped he would come back which he did for a few weeks as he missed us but all she did was constantly message him and jr ruined it) they are still together. I have had endless conversations with them to remind her she isn’t his parent to her response is she is and even when she has kids he will always be her first born: she tries to dictate to me what I do with my son; constant kick off as they never want him longer than 48 hours a weekend so when I make plans for after they drop him home she has the audacity to kick off at me when I said they couldn’t have him longer once because of some event she wanted to plaster all over Facebook: she doesn’t allow/ or his dad doesn’t want to FaceTime him unless she is there which then upsets our son as he will reject the call. I have this set up on his iPad also incase of a emergency he can always get hold of one of us; his dad is now demanding to the school she goes down on the list as a primary parent so she gets all the report cards etc but when I contest this with him he says it’s only fair. How can it be when they have him less than 48 hours a fortnight; never do hospital; doctors; dentist… he goes away twice a year with her and has never taken our son. My son also isn’t ungrateful however because my his dads mum has organised a family holiday camping next year they said they would go with his mum abs take our son. Firstly they have booked it on my second sons birthday so then if I say no I look bad, and secondly he doesn’t like camping it’s not the holidays he likes he likes the abroad holidays; a hotel and home comforts, theme park holidays etc. His dad earns more than me yet refuses to do it. I had to buy a cinema voucher for my ex, the gf and my son for Christmas from our son because he was so upset daddy won’t take him. Please tell me my son will grow up to realise how little he does and actually when he’s screaming and shouting at me it’s me that does everything, Robucks I buy it; other memberships I buy; ipds I buy. Christmas and birthday he only gifts me the list of what he wants. Daddy doesn’t bother. I just hope one day he will see the pain they have put me through. She has books their wedding for a couple years time and refuses to give me the date and tells me I can’t book a holiday all year… like wtf! She buys crap for him for Christmas and birthday and sends me the list as is like ‘it’ll take forever to read what I buy him 🤣’ but it’s like it’s crap; I buy less but mine cost so much more as it’s what he wants! Nintendo switch was last years 😭 but the gf Is so quick to post shit on Facebook and look like the wonderful human which all her family tell her she’s perfect and this and that: irs like why can’t people see it’s just a facade…. She doesn’t realise care, they have both said to our kid before he can’t live there as it wouldn’t fit into their routines and lifestyle like wtf! They said they will have holidays with their baby when they have one but he won’t be invited to them all; and then our kid still thinks the sun shines out his ass! I know step parents are never easy I am one myself but I always allow my partner to do parents days or speak to them etc without me having to be there. In the beginning he would cancel staying at mine because of the kids which I never complained about because it’s his kids, he refuses to come on holiday with us as his ex wife won’t allow his kids to come so then he doesn’t go so he doesn’t miss his contact with them:

I just needed a rant; and someone to understand the crap these ex’s put us through! If I took this to court would I have a leg to stand on to get her out of his life? I am
Just so fed up. Last year they did have him a few weekends on a row as on their weekends to not have him there was a family event and the dads mum asked me if our son could go so I sent him.. so on Facebook we get ‘weekend number 7 in a row of having our little munchkin’ like making me look crap! God I get so angry!

They said they will have holidays with their baby when they have one but he won’t be invited to them all; and then our kid still thinks the sun shines out his ass!

oh I know this feeling. I have always felt, however, that the right thing was that they see their other parent in a positive light and that ultimately, they make their own decisions based on how they are treated and not on what you have said. My eldest (now 19) has a distant but positive relationship with his dad. Literally 2 nights ago I was frustrated at the fact that my other kids seem to not see what he sees and guess what? 20 minutes later, youngest walks through the door having had a massive bust up with dad over how much better he treats girlfriend and her child. And one of the things he was shouting about is how he’s never taken them on holiday but last year took girlfriend and child abroad. It is not something we’ve ever discussed and I assumed it didn’t bother them…..but it really does and it hadn’t gone unnoticed.

Block them both on social media. Don’t be tempted to unblock. And live your life, safe in the k owledge that whatever he does, your son knows.

My suggestion is to simply stop competing with her. She’s only doing this to hurt you because she is insecure. She won’t tell you the wedding date because there isn’t one. She is telling you that you can’t book a holiday because she feels the need to throw her weight around because she feels powerless in the family dynamic. You will always be his wife, the mother of his child. Just book holidays that suit you and tell them later. Stop being so soggy. Reclaim your power. Don’t argue, don’t engage. By calling your son her firstborn, she just makes herself look desperate and stupid. You don’t need to point it out. She’s clutching onto a dying relationship. Also, when he finally leaves, FFS, don’t let him set foot in your home.

With all due respect (as yes she sounds like hard work) but it's been 7 years? Block on social media and just get on with living your life. If they don't stick to contact schedule, get a court order. You can't change how she is so best to just stay clear.

I completly get what you mean about it's been 7 years; she's only been this difficult the last year since they moved in together in their own house as uo until then they lived with her mum.
I think your right I need to block her; I just like to see what he gets upto and what crap she is posting about how wonderful she is, but yes I reckon blocking her just needs to be the way t to. I have tried remaining civil but I then blow up with anger and it's just frustrating why some women feel they have to be like this. I just want to Cry xx

Look some of the stuff you have posted would tick me off

• calling your son her first born ick
• shagging around when you were together with your ex ect
• posting stuff on social media

Some of the stuff you have posted is also unreasonable

• you shagging your ex when they were together (I have limited sympathy for anyone who does that) it's not tit for tat.

-he refuses to come on holiday with us have I read this right - you want to go on holiday with your ex ? Are you mad ?! I mean she sounds hard work (but most people wouldn't like this even without all the drama.

• stalking on social media - I mean for the love of god block her

• She has books their wedding for a couple years time and refuses to give me the date - with all the drama going down I wouldn't either tbh but this part next isn't ok - and tells me I can’t book a holiday all year

But do you know what your biggest problem is.

Gah posted to soon - your biggest problem is your still acting like this guy is a prize and she's your competition.

This is a lot of drama. Over a guy. And a pretty crappy one at that.

I work in a school, she can't go down as priority to get letters etc, you'll be priority 1 and he'll be priority 2. Also you can call the school and tell them she's not to have anything, only to leave with you or his dad etc.

You absolutely cannot do that. If his dad has PR he can ask whoever he likes to pick up the child.

Agree with a PP, both as bad as each other.

I agree she's taking it a bit far. But it's a hard line to tread. Would you rather she ignored your son?

@powercut101 OP means her new partner doesn't go on holiday with her because HIS ex won't let him take his kids.

Then he too needs to go in the bin because he sounds weak

What your partner and his ex do is completely irrelevant to what your ex and his partner do.

@powercut101 it all sounds a bit of a nightmare

I don't want him to come on holiday with us, I was talking about biw my current partner wouldn't go on holiday with me and the kids because his ex wife won't allow the children to come and he wouldn't go without his kids unlike my ex husband :)

I don't stalk social media we are both friends on each others page; but it's not healthy I am realising this.

Yes I shouldn't have slept with him again however when he promised he was coming back I suppose I was stupid enough at 21 to believe it was going to happen:

I just want to deal with my ex husband on his own about our child without the need for her to dictate. We are moving him schools to a new school and he said he can't agree until the step mum agrees. It's not her decsision :( I am happy for them to stay together she's welcome to him I just want her to respect the boundaries and realise she isn't his mum. The same as I would do with my partners children their is a line I wouldn't cross in upsetting their mum: I don't want my sons step mum to ignore him just realise the line: she is pretty good at ignoring he is alive the other 12 days a fortnight they don't have him. I want my ex to ring my son without saying he can't because she's not there to listen to the calls he is a shadow of the man he was and I worry In a way how much she is controlling him. Thank you for all your advice and things though, it's so hard. I think I will block the social media, literally talk to him when I have to as I am going to refuse to talk in the group chat with her as she doesn't need to know everything. My son will realise I hope in his own time the lack they do with him

What your current partner does isn't necessarily right though, is it? He sounds like a wet blanket.

Defriend her and get on with your own life.

My current partners kids have never been abroad or on holiday, he doesn't want them to feel he is going away with me and my children and leaving them behind. And then cancelling their days to visit as they stay twice a week. I do understand as I see their upset if they know we went out and did a day out when they were with their mum. We are seeking a court order to be able to take them away

Yes sounds a good idea to get out of any group chats etc. Stand firm on that. What they do with him is up to him but you don't have to communicate with her.

@singlemumhelp look I get it.

The problem,I'm very unsubtly tryin, to say is that at the heart of all this drama is a bloke who's got two women competing for him, and your feeling sorry for him because he's being controlled 😩

I mean come on, he had a enough of a backbone to cheat on you and on his current missus. Had balls of fecking steel to do that and now instead of taking responsibility for his actions - he's got you being annoyed at this women which to me sounds like a easy way out of being a parent or doing any parenting and Scapegoat for you to be angry at to boot.

She may be a nightmare. But this guy you had kids with is toxic and causing all this drama.

If he's slagged her off to you (clear from he's said he can't talk to you without her present - poor him routine), you wanna bet he's slagged you off to her. Further provoking both of yours reactions. He doesn't want you too to like each other and I wonder why 🥴

You were young once and made mistakes (fine we have all been there) but your grown now, this guy is playing you like a violin and your falling for it. Don't fall into this trap.

Delete both of them and save your sanity because your angry at the wrong people (your current DP ex) and (your ex's partner) for the love of god - hold these men accountable for their actions. You can't solve the issues just looking at the women, look at all the parties. Really look.

Rant over ps look up trauma bonding - I think it may ring some bells 💐

Sorry if I have seemed harsh but my dad did this to my mum and it took years to realise she wasn't the nuts one (or my sm) it was him. The guy.

Git (autocorrect)

Okay… stop comparing the two men. They’re different. You are capable of having a life with your child without a partner in it. If he wants to come along on holidays then good. If not, then he misses out. Make plans for you and your son that make you happy.

Take a step back, quietly stop following on face book and silence notifications. Lower day to day communication with them to create space. Keep it polite and formal and don’t respond to comments about including partner in choices. Just do what you plan and blank comments making things more complex then they need be. Your son will eventually vote with his feet if dad refuses to listen to him but that’s his choice.

You need to leave them to it . For you own piece of mind. Have a set schedule with drop offs/pick ups so everyone knows where they are. The holiday let ds go it's their choice what to do with him and he will hopefully enjoy it. Don't follow any of them on social media. And don't slate them to your son, it's not a competition to who he loves the most or whose the best parent. Let him love you all and feel secure in his relationships. That will give him the best long term outcomes.

Stop trying to compare the two, your partner and your ex. It's not a competition. It's not like one is doing it one way so the other has to too.

@singlemumhelp

Tell him no she won't be put on parents list. He needs to call weather she there or not. He just needs to do more for your son.

Your son will see how he kisses her arse and not want to see him. Maybe supervised visits for him without her. One on one time with his son.

Sorry I wouldn't put up with this. It doesn't matter if you slept with him. Telling your son he won't be able to go on holidays if they have a baby is so horrible. He will grow up hating the baby so your ex needs to tell her no he comes with us sometimes.

I honestly hope your son okay? I don't know how old he is but he will decide himself one day if he decides no contact.

I forgot why he not buying anything for him. If they going cinema they buy the tickets don't be a stupid he your son's father.
No you book your holiday don't let her tell you no. Sorry she too controlling and very horrible.

Tell you ex straight he like a puppet on a string she controls all his moves.

If she has a baby she make your son and your life hell. She seems too into career though at the moment.

Really don't let tell you what to do. She trying to control your life too. Say no to her if contact with your son stops he see daddy kissing his horrible woman backside too scared of her.