Stay silent or speak up? co-parenting challenges

[Bx96]

is It wrong for me to say I hate co-parenting?
I’m struggling mentally now with this, we are nearly 9 years down the line and it doesn’t seem to get any easier. I have and hold a grudge against the SC mum, we never have seen eye to eye, don’t speak and I can’t stand the woman after seeing what my partner went through (court battles, access, money troubles) and I can’t drop this feeling either even though my partner begs me to.
so it’s all kicked off again- my fault making a comment about things always being last minute when the mother of SC had plenty of time to tell
My partner - SC went home and said I was rude about her mum and now she’s threatening my partner saying she will not have her around people like me.
I know she’s trying to upset me but honestly I’ve got to a point where I couldn’t care less but this then brings tension between me and my partner causing arguments (which is probably her aim too) and I don’t know if I can be bothered anymore.
I have my own daughter now so I focus alot on her and try to stay out of it all but sometimes I word vomit and it can’t be helped.
What do I do? I shouldn’t be made to stay silent all the time but yet that’s what I feel like they are doing to me.

YOU aren’t the co-parent, your DH and his wife are.
Leave all communication between them. And don’t bad mouth the ex in front of the kids, it is never a good idea.

Find someone and somewhere to offload to out of earshot of your DH and most importantly, out of earshot of your SC. You can’t criticize their mother to their face, that’s asking for conflict and causing the child real emotional pain.

All communication is between them both and It always has been. I’ve never got involved however when it comes to child’s learning I feel like this should be made priority and made a comment. I never swore or was not nice.

But if you badmouth the kid's mother in front of him then you are absolutely getting involved. Agree with previous two responses.

Stop badmouthing the kids mum infront of them your an adult act like it and have some self control

There's a difference between badmouthing someone and stating fact op what did you exactly say ? @Bx96

Your idea of badmouthing and your SC’s / their mum’s idea of badmouthing may vary.

Example: I once said “oh dear, that’s not very good is it?” In that absent minded way you do while you’re trying to feed a baby, hang out laundry, oversee homework and keep whole chicken from drying out. It was in response to my SD complaining that none of her school trousers fit.

My SD reported it back to mum as something much more pointed. I assume because she read into it and it hurt her feelings.

Lesson for me: Always give conversations about “at mummy’s house I…” my full attention and watch my damn mouth.

It doesn’t mean you have to be silent. Just be… ummm tight lipped.

Homework was sent over just before they was due to leave for home drop off I said - bloody typical of ‘name’ not sure what was related back to mum exactly by child as my partner didn’t go into detail of the message. It’s a reoccurring issue so isn’t the first time this has happened - the homework that is!

“Bloody typical” constitutes bad mouthing and would have been difficult for SC who is loyal to their mum.

Tighten them lips. Think it but don’t say it.

Sorry you’re having a bad day, OP.xxx

I usually do and have done for many years just when it’s the same thing all the time and partner just lets things slide it hard!

appreciate your response, thank you!

Unfortunately as a step parent we are expected to step up in all ways, go out our way, drop things immediately when required. All the while smiling about the barrage of shit that comes with it.

Honestly, I agree with PP that it's never a good idea to say anything in front of step kids, because I imagine if mum likes to make things an issue they are probably trying to please her by telling her and feeling pretty crappy on both sides. However I totally get the temptation to when you are stuck dealing with it.

In your situation I would leave it all to DP but also make him realise this means you will be more hands off. Tbh this is how I am and how I deal with it. I care about my DSC but I find to be fully involved step parents must get on with mum and dad (depending on who the partner is) so that all co parent together, I know lots of people who do this very successfully. If they want to keep things separate to parents only though it doesn't really work to be overly involved.

I get it bugs you but try to detach, their kid, their kids learning, let them be the ones worrying about it. Keep away from it and try not to let it bug you.

Then you just chill and let it go. Their homework is not your problem. It's hard when you care about them. You must restrain the word vomiting until the children have left or you are sure they are out of earshot. The ex sometimes frustrates me but never badmouth them in front of the children - its like the number one rule of stepmumming. Their dad can say something like "try to make sure your homework is with you at the weekend" to the kids and if it's an issue then take it up with mum.

Then you have to accept your partner, their parent, has chosen not to care about that battle. Once you get into the habit of it it gets easier.

You can change this, OP. Stop assuming that the ex has the worst possible motives for everything, I think it is extremely unlikely.

Even if your DP hasn't been directly dishonest with you about their break up and subsequent struggles, he will have painted himself in best possible light and her in the worst. I'm sure she was fighting for what she thought was fair, based on who had been the primary carer and career sacrifice etc. You don't have to agree with her view, but don't assume it was out of spite.

Why are you expecting the ExW to facilitate their shared child's homework getting done when the DC is with their dad?

The fact you say co-parenting, indicates that your DP is not doing all that he should.

If you’re going to be rude about your step child’s mum, you can’t be surprised when that child goes and tells their mum about it and then their mum gets upset. You don’t have to stay silent all the time, but you do have to prevent yourself bad mouthing a child’s parent in front of them. Or, if you’re going to do it, accept the natural consequences.

You sound ridiculous complaining that your ex is trying to cause arguments when you’ve handed her valid reason to complain about you.

His ex, sorry.

That's not fair badmouthing thr mum to the child.

Sorry - this has nothing to do with blended families - you do NOT bad mouth other peoples family.
My Ex had an aunt who drove us all insane - not once did I bad mouth her and she had some major impacts on our lives. He loved her as she was incredibly good to him in between time.

OP - can the word vomit - and yes you can control it,

Oh dear. You're so distressed and upset by her behaviour that your behaviour is just as bad? I mean it's supposed to be coming from an informed place, where you understand the damage and upset inflicted by someone who behaves badly post-separation. And yet here you are, bad-mouthing your DSC's mum in front of them and then expecting all and sundry to agree she's a terrible person.

Sometimes you 'word vomit' and it can't be helped? Are you an adult? Of course it can be helped. Take some responsibility for your actions rather than blaming everyone else.

Absolutely mum is right to not want her children exposed to someone like you. You are at least 50% of the problem here, if not more.

This situation was YOUR fault. You need to know when not to talk about her mum like that in her presence and I dunt blame her for her reaction.

My DSC mum is the antithesis of my kind of person (the feeling’s mutual). However I have never voiced that to my DSC and if they ever grumbled about mum in front of me I’d seize the opportunity to back her up to the DC if it’s something where I agreed with her. Anything I disagreed with, I stayed quiet. It’s frustrating biting your tongue but I do think it’s important for children to feel secure in their parents and criticising their mum in front of them, even if perfectly valid criticism, is rarely for the best.

My partner and I have had issues with homework not being done at the kids mums house too. We have an eye role code when the kids are not in the room! I know it’s so stressful but best to let dad deal with it. Make him do the homework with the kids and he’ll soon get annoyed with it and have a word with their mum. Honestly step parenting is not easy!

It's not unreasonable for your DP to ensure his kids have and do their homework. If they forgot to bring it, contact another parent and get the work so it's done - don't expect the other parent to sort it out. Bad mouthing their mother is wrong and caused the mother's reaction. I also don't blame her.

My DC step mother often bad mouths me, has done for years. Personally I've chosen not to react to the things she says, other than to empathize with DC and reiterate that speaking unkindly about other people, especially someone's family, isn't nice behavior.. Actions have consequences and we all have to take responsibility for our own behavior. Bad mouthing a child's other parent will cause issues and makes it very difficult for the non-resident child. After 10 years of it, my DC now a teen, refuses to speak to her step mother.... while I don't necessarily agree with DC's reaction and encourage her to be polite at a minimum, I don't blame her. I can't imagine it's a very pleasant atmosphere in their house and I'm sure SM complains endlessly about how 'disrespectful' DC is.. but in life you reap what you sow.

My SCs mother is an narcissistic, twisted bitch. She has caused endless problems for my DP and the care of the kids on her time is questionable at best. She badmouths both DP and I to the kids.

Despite this, neither of us ever say anything negative about her infront of the kids. Even if the kids say something negative about their mum we would never agree with them and try to diplomatic.

Regardless of what you think of her you just need to bite your tongue. She's their mum and kids will always have a loyalty towards her whether she's the worst mum in the world or not. Trust me, I know how hard that can be but saying your piece only allows you to release your frustrations, there are no benefits for the children in hearing that. Kids aren't daft, if mum's really not up to par, they'll already be aware of that. They don't need you to re-enforcing it.

Why do you care whether the homework is being done or not ? That is SO not your problem. I'd be fine sending them back with the homework not done, or their dad can see that it is done.

You're setting yourself up for drama here because you are not in a position to ensure homework is done properly. That is neither your right nor your responsibility. Caring about it will only end in frustration and conflict.

By all means be kind to the kids, have fun and try to make sure they have a good time at yours. But let go of the rest. What's outside your home doesn't involve you and yes that includes schoolwork.

Obviously that means you won't be helping with the homework either. Letting go can be hard but so freeing and relaxing.