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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Family member never invites stepkids

38 replies

sandytooth · 09/10/2022 08:24

Hello I have posted here before under a different name (not about this) but it got a bit outing so I changed it.

I have 2 DSC and 1 DC. I have one sibling who doesn't live local to the rest of the family so returns about 6 times a year. Anyway the DSC have been in my life now a good 6-7 years and if a family event is on a date they are with DH then I bring them along. I guess what with covid and everything there haven't been many opportunities to see my family over the years and we have prioritised seeing the DSC's grandparents when they are with us.

But it's starting to bug me, this one sibling invites me and DC out for the day or to go and have a meal out but always specifies me and DC. I've even said oh we have DSCS that weekend but no just me and DC. I guess I'm just a bit sad that they don't want the chance to get to know these important people in my life. Not saying they need to be treated as family if that's not what the feelings are but they are my family.

Any one been through similar and have any advice?

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 09/10/2022 08:27

Just say "I'm sorry, that weekend is our time with DSC. it's either all of us or none " it's not for them to exclude part of your family.

QuitWhileAhead · 09/10/2022 08:34

Are they trying to avoid your husband?

MushMonster · 09/10/2022 08:40

I would not go

Berthatydfil · 09/10/2022 08:44

Why cant you go? Your dsc are there for contact with their father so this allows them to do something thats just for them.
Also I assume your dsc do things without your dc so why not the reverse ?

SudocremOnEverything · 09/10/2022 09:00

there haven't been many opportunities to see my family over the years and we have prioritised seeing the DSC's grandparents when they are with us

I think this probably gives you several
clues. It probably seems to your sibling that you’ve drawn your family boundaries during contact time with your husband’s family. You view your family separately and fit them in when you’re not busy doing things around the DSC.

Your sibling wants a relationship with their family - you and your DC. So they only invite you. In many ways they’re mirroring your own distinctions and behaviour.

This does often happen - contact time with the SC is taken up with facilitating their family. And that will send a message about who is and isn’t family. But then you’re upset when you hear that logic coming back to you from your sibling.

Rather than announcing ‘this is my family; all or nothing’ and further alienating your sibling, maybe you could think about how you’ve been doing family that are creating these kind of distinctions (however much you don’t want to acknowledge them).

You might decide that you don’t want to dilute the SC’s time with their father’s family. And that’s OK. But being aware that you’re sending a message about the status of your family in relation to them in doing so is important. It also gives you a way in to talking about it with your sibling that doesn’t start from ‘why are you not accepting my family?’

Original poster
sandytooth · 09/10/2022 09:23

@SudocremOnEverything Thank you that's given me things to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
sandytooth · 09/10/2022 09:24

Berthatydfil · 09/10/2022 08:44

Why cant you go? Your dsc are there for contact with their father so this allows them to do something thats just for them.
Also I assume your dsc do things without your dc so why not the reverse ?

I can go. I think it's just the fact DC is wanted but no mention of the DSC. It almost makes me want to leave DC with DH and the DSC and go by myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
sandytooth · 09/10/2022 09:25

QuitWhileAhead · 09/10/2022 08:34

Are they trying to avoid your husband?

No, I don't think so.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 09/10/2022 09:31

It almost makes me want to leave DC with DH and the DSC and go by myself

Not a bad idea, actually. I think it's good to go out without the DC sometimes.

Also bear in mind that there's probably a substantial age gap between the DSC and your DC, and that can be considerably more awkward to manage when not familiar. So key question is do you want to get back to being familiar and what are the options?

Try responding with "Can't do then, how about X or Y?" (with those dates being when DSC are with other parent). Then when you're back on an easy footing with your family, you can see about bringing everyone along.

rageapplied · 09/10/2022 09:44

What age were DSC when you got together with your DH?

Original poster
sandytooth · 09/10/2022 09:57

@AuntieStella I might suggests she pops round here first then we go out just me and her.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 09/10/2022 10:39

I agree with Sudocrem's post. Also, although there's certainly nothing wrong with going out child free some of the time, I don't really see why you would choose to keep your DC away on principle. The relationships are what they are - they don't know your DSC well so don't feel close to them. No need to deny your DC family relationships to compensate.

Bigbadfish · 09/10/2022 10:42

Because that's their Neice/Nephew.
They have no relationship with your step kids.
And if you divorce tomorrow they nor you may ever see them again.

Original poster
sandytooth · 09/10/2022 11:09

I totally get that I just feel like as they are an important part of my life they might actually want to see them or show an interest. The rest of my family send them birthday cards and we've been around for some family gatherings etc. I get that they don't feel as close etc. To me myself I feel more like an aunty to them than a parent.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2022 11:15

I think you're being unreasonable expecting your family to want a relationship with your stepchildren. They don't know them and aren't related, and they obviously have no emotional attachment. If they were coming to visit your home and the stepchildren are there, then of course they will meet, but you expecting your family to want to meet with them at theirs or somewhere else is unrealistic.

SudocremOnEverything · 09/10/2022 11:28

They feel like an important part of your family to you - and they are. But it likely does not feel the same to your extended family who are seeing a (totally understandable) alignment of SC weekend and your husband’s family.

You feel more like an aunt to the SC so your sibling, who is even further removed from
them, feels a long way from close to them. Like they’re your nephews by marriage and actually not related to her/him at all. They would like to feel like an aunt (or uncle) to their niece/nephew though.

I’d suggest losing rigid ideas of what ‘family’ is and what the relationships should be and working with what you’ve got. Start with building up the relationship with your sibling and your DC and inviting them along to family events you host involving the SC. But it is ok for them not to feel like an aunt/uncle to the SC. It doesn’t diminish how you feel about the SC.

Original poster
sandytooth · 09/10/2022 11:29

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2022 11:15

I think you're being unreasonable expecting your family to want a relationship with your stepchildren. They don't know them and aren't related, and they obviously have no emotional attachment. If they were coming to visit your home and the stepchildren are there, then of course they will meet, but you expecting your family to want to meet with them at theirs or somewhere else is unrealistic.

Fair enough. I'm not really interested in meeting her latest boyfriend but I still do it. But yes I get the point.

OP posts:
Original poster
sandytooth · 09/10/2022 11:30

I’d suggest losing rigid ideas of what ‘family’ is and what the relationships should be and working with what you’ve got yes very good advice thank you. I like this approach.

OP posts:
PeeAche2 · 09/10/2022 15:31

My own parents (have always been awful people tbf) made a huge fuss of my SC when they first appeared in my life. “You’re our grandchildren too” they said. Until I had my own child and then everything changed. They began actively making plans that meant my SC couldn’t attend (they live with us 50%)
The final straw was when they came over 2 days after my birth kid’s birthday with heaps of birthday presents for her… only that particular day was my actual SS’s birthday! And they brought him nothing. They’d also “forgotten” my SD’s birthday the month before so I was already feeling pretty peeved.

This is obviously not their only shitty behaviour but it was gob smacking and I felt irreparably hurt by it.

Now, I know this kind of talk isn’t popular on MN, because “2nd wives” are universally thought badly of and must be married to a hell demon… but my husband and I are together for life. We just are. I just know it like I know my own name. I love the bones of the guy and I bloody adore his kids too. I really would move heaven and earth for my entire family - even the kids I didn’t grow.

So, I cut my parents out. Which is an extreme solution. 😅 (but really, they have a terrible track record of abusive bullshit, that none of my kids need in their lives)

If I hadn’t had to take this measure and I had a good family that I could actually talk to, I might have explained myself to them, because I don’t think it’s worth getting worked up over. Likely, your sibling has just misunderstood the connection you have to your step children. (I mean, for every good step-relationship it seems there are several bad ones!!)

I think my own parents expected my feelings towards my SC to change after I had my own kid and acted on that, instead of asking me how I actually felt.

And my feelings did change. At first I felt exhausted and had nothing left in the tank for my SC. Then I felt protective and looked forward to them going to their mums. Then I felt relaxed, like “oh yeah, I got this” as I found my groove. And then, finally, I felt more connected to them than ever.

Now when something is up with my SC, it isn’t just “my husband’s kid”, it’s my daughter’s sibling. And that brings it a bit nearer to my heart and makes me love and defend them more fiercely than ever.

And if you don’t get it, you don’t get it. Lots of people on MN don’t get it because they don’t see how a step relationship could have any positives. Maybe because they’ve had their own bad experiences. But that’s how I would try to explain it.

I mean, that’s how I would try to explain it if my own family weren’t fucking mental.

It would be bonkers to say I love my SC in exactly the same way that I love my daughter. But equally, I don’t expect that they love me the same as they love their mum and dad.

So, we come as a package deal and sorry if that’s a bit messy.

The final thing I would have to say to my parents, (again, if they weren’t selfish narcissists) would be that my SC have had enough drama and disappointment in their lives - they have lived through their parents divorcing. They don’t need any adults in their lives that let them down. They just need stability and positivity. So please help me to provide it, and don’t exclude them.

Sorry for the rambling and poorly styled response. Hope it was slightly helpful at least.

Original poster
sandytooth · 09/10/2022 15:50

@PeeAche2 I guess that's like the other end of the spectrum and I'm somewhere in the middle between that and "these kids are nothing to do with me"

OP posts:
PeeAche2 · 09/10/2022 17:10

Well then! In the kindest and least judgemental way possible… (seriously, I am so not in the business of tearing a fellow step mum down) … if your SC aren’t in “that role” in your life, don’t expect them to mean anything to your sibling. Maybe just leave it. Or, to use Mumsnet lingo: “not a hill worth dying on”

BlueRibbonPen · 09/10/2022 19:13

it sounds like they don’t see you much - maybe they just want to make a fuss of their niece/nephew.

Why don’t you do lunch at yours with all the DC?

Rtmhwales · 09/10/2022 19:16

I'm with you OP. Your sibling's DP isn't your family either and if he gets to tag along then why can't your DSC?

Original poster
sandytooth · 09/10/2022 19:17

PeeAche2 · 09/10/2022 17:10

Well then! In the kindest and least judgemental way possible… (seriously, I am so not in the business of tearing a fellow step mum down) … if your SC aren’t in “that role” in your life, don’t expect them to mean anything to your sibling. Maybe just leave it. Or, to use Mumsnet lingo: “not a hill worth dying on”

Yes I hear you :) im one of life's overthinkers!

OP posts:
Original poster
sandytooth · 09/10/2022 19:17

BlueRibbonPen · 09/10/2022 19:13

it sounds like they don’t see you much - maybe they just want to make a fuss of their niece/nephew.

Why don’t you do lunch at yours with all the DC?

Yes have suggested she pops round here first then ill go out with her.

OP posts: