Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

splitting up the 2 DSC

48 replies

properdoughnut · 27/09/2022 13:18

Hi, I have 2 DSC and 1 DC. DSC live with us every other weekend and in the holidays. We try to be flexible and they are more than welcome to stay more when they want to. Their mum's house is about 2 hours away from us (just mentioning in case it becomes relevant so people don't have a go).

Next weekend isn't "DH's weekend". But DSC 1 has an event on which is about 2 hours away from us (opposite direction to mum's) so they are going to stay with us and DH can take them to this event.

Mum has said DH should "have" DSC1 and DSC2 that weekend. There's a 3ish year gap and DSC2 (older) isn't interested at all in watching the event. Mum has said that's ok they can stay with properdoughnut. I've said no (via DH) and all hell has broken loose with mum. I just want a quiet weekend with DC, go see my friends with DC etc. As far as I see it either DSC goes to the event or stays at mum's.

Anyway I would like to know what others do in this sort of circumstance, do you say tough you have to go? Or do you split up the DSC so one stays with each parent? Or do you suck it up and take one for the team?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

properdoughnut · 29/09/2022 21:50

Willyoujustbequiet · 29/09/2022 21:43

Exactly.

She does virtually all the parenting. It's not your issue but your DH should be stepping up. She's not being cheeky at all.

Show quote history

Hang on. He's "stepping up" by having one of them an extra weekend and taking them to the event. It's not even stepping up, it's just he's going to do that bit of parenting. Why should she be able to rely on him having both kids when it isn't his scheduled weekend? Does that work both ways

OP posts:

Ithurtbad · 02/10/2022 14:57

properdoughnut · 29/09/2022 21:50

Show quote history

@properdoughnut

Sorry maybe she had plans to. She main carer has them all the time. She not being cheeky the dad need to take both then.. Remember the one who going to this event getting extra weekend with dad. Where as the other stuck with mum at home not fair.

You can do as you please with your DC your DH problem here.
It's life your DH came as package with his kids. He might need your support but if you can't go have fun but he needs to deal with his 2 DC.
Wouldn't your DC like seeing their older sibling. Guess it's about you though but again up to you.

Original poster

properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 15:05

She main carer has them all the time. no she doesn't. She has them all the time dad doesn't have them.

Remember the one who going to this event getting extra weekend with dad. Where as the other stuck with mum at home not fair. it's perfectly fair. Why is spending time 1-2-1 with their own mother worse than being dragged to this event with their dad. They have no interest in it.

It's life your DH came as package with his kids. He might need your support Hahaha no he's a grown adult. I'm aware he ComEs AS A PacKAge.

Wouldn't your DC like seeing their older sibling. Guess it's about you though but again up to you.

Wtf yes they would but they will be fine seeing them at a later date.

OP posts:

Original poster

properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 15:07

Oh and if anyone's interested DH has taken DSC to the event and the other one is happily at home with their mother.

OP posts:

Ithurtbad · 02/10/2022 15:13

@properdoughnut

Best thing going somewhere where not wanted.

She needs a break too. But glad he happy with his mum.

It's all worked out for you then hasn't it. No one needs to respond.

Take my hat off to your DSC mum. Like you said your weekend next week is it.

Original poster

properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 15:22

Take my hat off to your DSC mum because she wanted to dump her kid with me?

OP posts:

custardbear · 02/10/2022 15:25

properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 15:22

Take my hat off to your DSC mum because she wanted to dump her kid with me?

I did wonder if their mum was trying to have an evening out or similar so wanted both children to come to their dads, which is fair enough, but not to the detriment of your plans

Original poster

properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 15:28

It's all fine now, DSC1 just has a lot of events on this month so it's a bit all over the place and they are going to be split up on the weekends that aren't "DH's" so DSC2 can hang around with her mates at mum's. Mum's got the message that I am not a childcare option so they've worked it out between them. All good.

OP posts:

Ithurtbad · 02/10/2022 15:28

@properdoughnut

It's better she didn't now.. you got what you wanted.
You said he happy with his mum. Does he get an extra 1-1 time with his dad as he should too. Maybe your DH takes him out somewhere of his choice and other one can sit with you then on Sunday not sure how your weekends go but all go out as family.
Or he takes both boys out together.

Original poster

properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 15:29

Why are you assuming they are both boys?

OP posts:

Original poster

properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 15:31

Maybe your DH takes him out somewhere of his choice and other one can sit with you then on Sunday not sure how your weekends go but all go out as family. and no we don't have money to burn.

OP posts:

Ithurtbad · 02/10/2022 15:32

Both DSC I meant I mean.

The problem which really was that much of an issue done now.

Good luck for the future you may need it.

Original poster

properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 15:36

Ithurtbad · 02/10/2022 15:32

Both DSC I meant I mean.

The problem which really was that much of an issue done now.

Good luck for the future you may need it.

Yes it's all fine now.
Cheers for the good luck, appreciate the teen years can be tricky!

OP posts:

gogohmm · 02/10/2022 15:41

I suspect she assumed, but equally do you really have something to do or are you just refusing because you don't look after you dsc?

I would have just said to the child your plans and get them to choose which day sounds ok.

AsterixInEngland · 02/10/2022 15:59

I’m surprised so many people seem to think that an older dc would be happier with his step-mum than at home with his own mum and able to see his mates tbh.

It seems most of the answers are about he mum who needs a real from ding the bulk of the parenting , the OP ‘that really should step up’ etc…
Very little about the child themselves and what they want (apart from the fact they are not interested in the outing their sibling is doing).
And few answers around what would be best for the child.

Original poster

properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 16:00

gogohmm · 02/10/2022 15:41

I suspect she assumed, but equally do you really have something to do or are you just refusing because you don't look after you dsc?

I would have just said to the child your plans and get them to choose which day sounds ok.

It shouldn't matter either way but yes I have plans. Had a lovely time this weekend and now I'm just mooching at home. They don't get the option to tag along with me on my plans.

OP posts:

Ithurtbad · 02/10/2022 16:22

@properdoughnut

He seems like of your DSC gets more time than the other DSC.
So he should take the other one out have quality time too.

It tough if you don't have money but both individually need that 1-1 time. I am sure your DC get that all week.

That's a little bit selfish and ofcourse what choice does mum have but to keep other DC with her no break. He need make more time with both children individually or one may resent the other. If they happy not to be with Dad and spend time with friends well soon they won't want to go at all.

I think the weekend that is their actually he does take the DSC out maybe cinema somewhere they want to go too..sorry very unfair but it's not really your business that part it's down to him.

Original poster

properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 16:32

@Ithurtbad Yes I'll leave him to parent his own kids.

OP posts:

roseheartfly · 03/10/2022 10:14

@properdoughnut

Totally reasonable to suggest child stays with Mum as it's typically her weekend.

But you are going to get completely ridiculous messages from people who want to assume that your husband is a bastard and you don't care about your step children because you've dared to ask a perfectly reasonable question.

It sounds like the Mum had plans, instead of just saying that she's probably freaked out to try and manipulate you both, after all Dad is the 'absent parent'.

Hopefully she pipes up and is honest about it and maybe you can all meet in the middle for the sake of the children.

BlueRibbonPen · 04/10/2022 12:26

Ithurtbad · 02/10/2022 14:57

@properdoughnut

Show quote history

What does this have to do with OP?

BlueRibbonPen · 04/10/2022 12:28

I think mum has likely assumed, been enthusiastic about a bonus childfree weekend and is now being manipulative to bring that about.

No you are not obliged to have DC2.

It seems totally unreasonable to be that you are just expected to be available and co-operative in facilitating plans you had no part in making, you’re not paid help.

Hoppinggreen · 04/10/2022 12:31

Ithurtbad · 02/10/2022 15:32

Both DSC I meant I mean.

The problem which really was that much of an issue done now.

Good luck for the future you may need it.

And the award for the most PA thing I’ve read today goes to ................

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/10/2022 02:40

OP, you have shown far more patience in this thread than I would have!

There are three possibilities and I truly can make up my mind as to which was in play

exceptionally poor reading comprehension
automatic hatred of all step mothers forever in all of eternity
trolling

For what it’s worth, you did the right thing and I’m sure that all the children, including the one that stayed at home with mum, appreciated the 1 on 1 time.

Flip

1 2