splitting up the 2 DSC

[properdoughnut]

Hi, I have 2 DSC and 1 DC. DSC live with us every other weekend and in the holidays. We try to be flexible and they are more than welcome to stay more when they want to. Their mum's house is about 2 hours away from us (just mentioning in case it becomes relevant so people don't have a go).

Next weekend isn't "DH's weekend". But DSC 1 has an event on which is about 2 hours away from us (opposite direction to mum's) so they are going to stay with us and DH can take them to this event.

Mum has said DH should "have" DSC1 and DSC2 that weekend. There's a 3ish year gap and DSC2 (older) isn't interested at all in watching the event. Mum has said that's ok they can stay with properdoughnut. I've said no (via DH) and all hell has broken loose with mum. I just want a quiet weekend with DC, go see my friends with DC etc. As far as I see it either DSC goes to the event or stays at mum's.

Anyway I would like to know what others do in this sort of circumstance, do you say tough you have to go? Or do you split up the DSC so one stays with each parent? Or do you suck it up and take one for the team?

Nice of DH's ex to tell you how you can spend your weekend. Does she have form for this? If you don't want to do it then 'no' is enough.

Ask your your DH not to pass on any further messages or comments from her. I'd block her on any direct comms she has with you, too. Is DH supporting you on this?

She could have done the adult thing and asked if DH would swap weekends if she wanted change plans for both DSC. As it is, she is being a CF. It's also a bit sad if she doesn't see each child spending 1:1 time with parents as a good thing.

Oh yes I mean I'm not doing it. I was just wondering if it was somehow seen as "not on" to split them up?

Oh and I have never spoken to her in my life. All through DH

No its fine.
As children get older they often want to do different things - shes trying it on expecting you to have oldest while she has another free weekend

Perfectly reasonable to split the DSC. Very good for them to spend time 1:1 with their parent. Can't really see Mums problem with this tbh.

Its not your problem to fix. Just say you had plans as it was your weekend without dsc and they can't be changed. Shes obviously made her own plans that are going to have to be stopped and she doesn't like it. Its not about the kids its about her.

Really cheeky of the mum - no issue at all with splitting siblings depending on their interests!

BTW, even full on loving parents to twins or triplets sometimes do things with one child and not the others. Its good for them to be a little independent and have individual time with each parent.

YADNBU and M is being really cheeky - obviously banked on both children being away and has made her own plans without checking!

It's fine for them to do things separately. My guess is she's already arranged something/someone and doesn't want to cancel.

Your DH needs to stop passing on what she says though, and just tell her no.

Maybe a little different as I live 0.5 miles
from my ex, but we regularly split our two. Friday for example one has a party followed by football tickets and the other one has a weekly activity. We also split occasionally, just so we can spend some quality 1:1 time with one of them. They have different interest so ex has separately taken them away overnight.

How old are the children? Once they are 11 or 12 then children tend to make their own decisions.

I can imagine the mum wants a child free weekend but reality of older children is you can't force them to a routine of EOW.

Assuming the dc are old enough, I would get your dh to respond saying, "as parents we should respect older child's wishes and let them stay at home and that this situation is more likely to happen as they get older and make choices"

A court would take account of a child's "wishes and feelings" .

Of course it’s fine to split the children for a one-off event. Your dh’s ex is being cheeky.

(not quite the same, but still splitting siblings) I often suggest to exH we split our dc if whatever is going on doesn’t suit one or more (we have disability and learning difficulties to take into account too, so quite a regular possibility). He isn’t always keen, but it happens often enough. It’s good for everyone - parent/child gets to spend 1:1, and the other sibling(s) don’t get bored and resentful being dragged along everywhere - it’s just common sense, surely, as long as it isn’t expected or one-way only.

She just wants the w/e "off"

Ok great thank you, there was just that little niggle that maybe I/DH was missing something!

shes trying it on expecting you to have oldest while she has another free weekend

did you read the original post? It’s not the ex wife’s weekend to have the children. Sod sell to do with ‘another free weekend’, particularly when she lives 2 hours away and is doing the bulk of parenting. She doesn’t get to dictate what the OP does, however, on a weekend but she absolutely should be able to rely on her ex having the children,

It’s not the ex wife’s weekend to have the children it is technically but DH has agreed to swap

No sorry, its not a swap, it's an extra weekend. Which he is perfectly happy about.

I'm not a step parent anymore but I am split with my DC's dad and sometimes one of my kids goes with their dad and the other doesn't. I think its lovely to have some one on one time with them

@Givenuptotally OP says Next weekend isn't "DH's weekend". He agreed to have one of the DSCs for a specific reason. DSC2 doesn't want to go.

Yes that's the situation.

I mean now people have said it's normal for siblings just the 1 home to spend time apart I'm kind of wondering why I even doubted it in my head but that's what being a stepmum has done to me!

DH’s ex would never have expected me to have one of them but if that’s what he and I thought was best on an occasion I’d have happily done it. They’re older now and one would probably choose to spend time with friends while the other was at an activity.

They also plan 1 to 1 time with both parents which everyone enjoys.

She shouldn’t be trying to allocate your free time so tell DH in future you don’t need to hear stuff like that and he should bath it back straight away.

Did YOU read the original post? “It’s not DHs weekend”

Maybe your DH agreed because he wants to spend the extra time with his child. So let him take both kids and look after them, and you go and do what you want to do.

Exactly.

She does virtually all the parenting. It's not your issue but your DH should be stepping up. She's not being cheeky at all.