Step daughter meeting parents

[Stepit]

Hi, I’m new here and very new to step parenting, my partner and I have been together 8 months, he stays with me most of the week. We waited until 6 months of dating to meet his child but now I’ve met his daughter (3) and she’s had sleepovers with us here and is very comfy with us together, even had a little break away and we get on great.

My question is, my parents are desperate to meet her, and we are introducing them this weekend.

How should we introduce them?
My mums calling her a grandchild (off the cuff in conversation with friends) which is lovely, and I know she’ll be very well loved and spoilt (she already is!) but do we introduce her as Denise or Grandma?

going forward, we plan on having children in the next year or so, I’d hate for her to not feel part of the family if the children were to call her grandma and she didn’t.

I’m a bit confused and my OH doesn’t really know what to think about it either, says he doesn’t mind- he’s too laid back! 🙈

I'm coming from the perspective of a mum and a SM. Do not call her grandma (or any other name used by grandparents).

She's a stranger to your DPs DD so why would/should she see her as anything other than an adult friend of her dads?

Tbh it would be similar to her referring to you as mum and I assume (hope) you wouldn't consider that being appropriate

Introduce them as your mum and dad. And tell her their names. It's the first time they have met. 100% not acceptable to introduce them as her grandparents. They are not her grandparents. At this point they are complete strangers.

Introduce her by her name. Presumably this child already has a Grandma and you guys have not been together long, it’s entirely possible you could split and then that would be confusing for the little girl.

Just introduce them by their names - that's all you need to do. I presume she already has a grandma on her mother and fathers side.
Please also don't go down the road of wanting her to call you mum/mummy also. She has 2 parents.

OH doesn’t really know what to think about it either, says he doesn’t mind- he’s too laid back!

In other words he can't actually be arsed to think about what will be the least confusing thing for his very small child and is happy to outsource this very basic parenting to you .

Be careful he doesn't end up outsourcing all his parenting to you.

Thanks for replying.

Absolutely. She knows me as Laura and she knows I’m daddy’s girlfriend.

We talk openly about her mum regularly, and draw pictures etc for her to take home, she knows she only has one Mummy and that’s fine.

I think I’m just falling down the trap of seeing how others are, I have friends who have blended families and call the mothers grandma/granny.

I'd avoid a "grandma" title too, could you meet halfway and use a nickname - such as Didi instead of Denise?
Then if/when further grandchildren are introduced, she may become "nanny didi" or similar. I would definitely avoid the potential confusion to your partner's DD to be honest, though it is sweet that your mum is so excited to be a grandma

I guess I was kind of also asking this question, at what point would/if that would change.

I think you'll find your own way naturally, as she gets older and better able to understand what a blended family is, she'll probably find a cute nickname for your parents, or want to call them granny and grandad of her own accord (without that compromising her understanding and relationship with her own grandparents) or just be perfectly happy calling them by their names and know she is still loved, you don't need to rush it or over-complicate it right now...

You introduce your Mom by her name. She is not a grandmother to your dp's daughter. In time his daughter may chose to call your mother by another name but that should be your dp's daughters choice and hers alone. I think it might be worth having a quiet word with your mom and explain that to her. It seems a bit ott calling her another Grandchild to friends when she has not met her yet.

Thank you, I think this is what I was needing to hear, I’ve been overthinking!

My dp is stepdad to 3 of my children, my kids all call his mum by her name, although my kids are older now and are teenagers. We have a dd together who obviously calls her grandma. She treats all the kids exactly the same but she also knows my kids already have a grandma, my mum

It was an off the cuff comment, I think she was trying to be inclusive.
she was away with friends on a shopping trip and picked up and bought a barbie doll, my brothers have boys who all like dinos and hey duggie so her friends were confused as to why she was buying a barbie, and she made the comment of it being for SD, her granddaughter.

My ex sister in law was with my brother in law mere months before she introduced her 3 year old to him, and his parents about a month later. They were introduced (by ex sil) as Nana and Grandpa.
they were treated as grandparents immediately, baby sitting sleepovers and gifts expected. My in laws went along with it to keep the peace and tbh didn’t know what else to do.
when they split up about 12m later after an AWFUL 12 months, ex sil still expected them to do baby sitting etc as “she’s your granddaughter” - they put her straight after the multiple proven to be false allegations made against my brother in law etc that devastated the family and his career that they would be having nothing to do with either of them.
i feel sorry for the little girl, she thought she had grandparents who abandoned her. It was all sad on all sides.

basically a long way of saying wait YEARS before establishing anything more than a casual friendly relationship/expectations of a grandparentesque relationship or names. Let it develop naturally over years. No reason why she can’t have a nice friendly relationship with “Denise” x

You say this is my mum ..... and my dad .... (full name or shortening they use) my Dp's DD's call me by my name and my parents my their names ...

If at a later date she chooses to call them by a more grandparent type title then that's fine as long as her call. (Same goes for step parents) it's still early days though

Why would she call her grandma? I find this very odd. She is not her grandma

Use their names. You've only been together 8 months and she's only 3. There's been a lot of change and it'll be harder for her if things go wrong if she feels like she's losing family.

I was in your shoes 10 years ago. We introduced my parents by their names and left it up to the kids (3 and 5 at the time) to determine the relationship. Fast forward to now and I think we'd all struggle to think of them as being anything other than granny and grandpa/grandchildren. They see my sisters as their aunts and call them as much. Clearly some people here think that's weird but there are no hard and fast rules with families, and as long as you let the kids work out the relationship that suits them the best over time, you're unlikely to go wrong.

I called my step grandad- Grandad- 'name' but he was married to my Nan then. My daughter called my step dad who came into her life when she was 5 by his name but if she talked about him to anyone else then she described him as 'bonus grandad'

This is a very new relationship - only 8 months! There's no way she should be asked to call your parents her grandparents.

This. It’s very soon for so much change in a tiny life. No need to rush - and please make sure she gets lots of alone time with her dad when she visits.

Let the "grandma"ing come naturally if it does. Until then call her by her name.

You are not a step mum after 8 months with her Dad. As for your parents being desperate to meet her, that's tough shit. The child is the priority here. Far too soon.

Dd has always called fil partner/ now wife granny ( name). At one point she had a grandma, granny and ex grandma and a grumps, grandad and grandad!

I called my mothers' MIL Mrs ..... until the day she died ..