Taking DSS's room

[Roomroomroom]

For varying reasons we have a current set up of our toddler (3) in one room and DSS has the other and me and DH sleep downstairs on a pullout bed. It's not ideal obviously but we felt at the time it was best for the kids to have their own rooms for the time being.

Anyway, DSS is now 18 and barely comes anymore other than for tea and to stay the very rare night and is going to uni soon too.

I've said to DH I'm not willing to do this anymore whilst a bedroom lies empty 85% of the time upstairs and we need to move into DSS's room (or swap toddler into it and have toddlers room -both doubles).

DH doesn't want to as feels it's like saying his son can't ever come back if he wants to.

But realistically how long can we be expected to sleep downstairs so there can be a room there ready if he potentially wants to come home every now and then?

I get it but we don't have the space to be just leaving empty rooms lying there. If he wants to come and stay one random night we can put a pull out bed in toddlers room for those nights.

I've told DH I'm going to do it whether he agrees or not as I can't stand it anymore. It's making me resentful knowing there's an empty room upstairs whilst I'm lay on a sofa bed.

How long have you been seeing on a pullout bed in a 2-bedroom house whilst your step son barely slept in the other bedroom?! Sorry, but I think that’s crazy! Couldn’t the step son have slept in the pullout bed on the occasions he visited?

Change the rooms. DSS is an adult now and as you say, rarely stays there. Definitely no point in leaving that space empty and I would hope that he agrees with you. Have you spoken to DSS about it? I’d have thought he’d be happy to stay on the sofa bed on the odd night that he comes back to spend the night.

I think that sounds crazy as well. Get upstairs into a proper bed!

Wow! Of course yanbu! You and your dh have sacrificed having your own room for the kids for however long. Now that one of the kids has grown up and is staying over less, it’s time you both get to have your own bedroom. An 18 year old probably would not feel comfortable sleeping in the toddler’s bedroom (even if it’s their half brother or sister).

Would you consider a compromise where dss can sleep on the sofa bed downstairs on the nights he stays. He’ll probably feel more comfortable with that and dh might worry less about dss not wanting to come and stay.

@ImustLearn2Cook they decided to have 2 children of very different ages in a 2 bedroom house, not the children’s fault the parents had to sleep in the lounge

Of course YANBU, it's absolute madness that you've done it for this long. If anything, you should have slept in there when he wasn't there and could have given it up for him when he came to stay. To just leave it empty the whole time is ludicrous.

YANBU. Your husband should actually talk to his son and explain you're going to do this first - for all the reasons you have said and tell him he's still very welcome, but it's his turn for the sofa bed now!

Call me crazy, but I tend to think that houses should be arranged to suit the people who actually live in them.
Lack of a permanent shrine to his childhood does not mean DSS is "pushed out" - if he wants to stay then a bed can be provided. It is simply no longer reasonable for him to have an entire room while the people who actually live in and pay for the house sleep in the living room.
I'd absolutely be making this my hill to die on. It speaks of very muddled priorities on the part of DH if he thinks it is reasonable to carry on this way.

YANBU!

Agree with those saying DH should have a chat with DSS, reassure him that he's always welcome and explain the move.

I agree with Sofa, how frequently did he stay?

My DS is the same age and about to head off to Uni too. He rarely sees his dad (every 6-8 weeks roughly) but I'd be pretty disappointed in DS if it upset him if his room was taken up by someone who is there full time. I probably wouldn't say that if it was a younger child, but certainly an older one should understand!

For the love of god. It's not like your saying he won't be welcome back to stay, you and your partner are living on the sofa ?!? For a adult child to retain a room for a couple of days a year ?

That is bonkers. As a adult SC I would cringe at anyone who would suggest this was normal.

Tell your DP to give his head a wobble- side note ... I'm guessing this has come out in different ways not just the room issue ?

Can you not just talk to DSS, ask opinion on what you are suggesting, offer solutions for where his belongings could be stored if you have his room.

You're right. It's frankly ridiculous.

You could even offer to move out the room when he wants to visit.

This. Besides once he is at university he will get used to sleeping in much worse conditions than on a sofa bed!

That's crazy !!
Make it your room. If you are.feeling kind then when he stays he gets your bed (that's what my ex and his GF did when our DC stayed the night)..

He's an adult now.

Take the room. You made that compromise to give the kids the space they needed. This arrangement is no longer necessary. You already have a pullout bed which he can sleep on when he visits. If it was good enough for you and DH I am sure it's fine for DSS for the odd night!

Can you not just talk to DSS, ask opinion on what you are suggesting, offer solutions for where his belongings could be stored if you have his room.

You don't ASK him, heaven forbid, you pleasantly TELL him that now he's an infrequent (but very welcome) visitor, the sleeping arrangements have changed.

If it was good enough for you and DH I am sure it's fine for DSS for the odd night!

And he has a younger back!

FFS OP this is complete madness and your husbands behaviour is Disney Dad-ing to the extreme.

This all plays to the cult of the sainted DSC.. who must never experience a moment of unease during their entire existence.

We slept on a sofa bed for 3 years because when DH and I got together I had three and he had 4.. so 7 kids and 2 adults in a three bed. (We camped most weekends in the summer !! )

.. but my God what a faff . Keeping your bedclothes and duvets/pillows in a cupboard. Making your bloody bed EVERY NIGHT... never being able to 'go to bed for some peace and quiet until everyone else had...don't ASK him OP - TELL HIM !! and get yourself upstairs now !

I absolutely think this is crazy. I would never of slept downstairs for my step son who comes even once or twice a week. I would of had the two children sharing. Absolutely get upstairs. The step son can sleep on the pull out bed downstairs if he ever comes again. Or tell your husband, your going upstairs and he can sleep downstairs if he doesn't agree but you'll enjoy a proper bed and starfish

You need your own bedroom !

Step son will probably be happy on the sofa...watching tv, gaming all night. quick access to kitchen for food and drinks , may be bring. a friend around etc.

Crazy not to have your own bedroom as adults.

OP, you don't need to ask your husband for permission.

Just go and sleep upstairs. Ignore him.

It is perfectly normal in biological families.

Whilst we are lucky to have a room for everyone, some rooms are nicer than others, the moment one left for uni another claimed the nicer bedroom. They are always welcome to return it is just the ones that live here 100% of the time get the best deal.