Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Issues at handover-what can we do?

43 replies

warofthemonstertrucks · 05/09/2022 15:29

Background: I got together with DP after his divorce (I was not involved in their marriage break up which was due to his ex wife's Affair, for which she has taken responsibility) DP's divorce was not amicable. His ex wife made a lot of false allegations if abuse and drug addiction against him (which were proven to false) and as a result he was awarded 50/50 custody of his two children under 10 during a recent family court hearing. (Her proposal had been that DP see the children 4 nights a month and this was dismissed in court after cafcass report/drug testing etc found that he was a good parent and not guilty of any thing he had been accused of)
We had hoped that this would be the end of the animosity and constant struggling with her but this has proved not to be the case. She was told in court in no uncertain terms that she must communicate better, be more responsible as a Co parent and stop bad mouthing DP to the children and to anyone else who will listen. They have equal legal responsibility for the Children and should make all decisions jointly.
She has broken the court order (which is only two months old) in numerous ways already, attempting to enrol them in new schools without DP's consent, failing to provide information about their health etc etc....
These are all ongoing problems but the biggest issue currently is that her new partner is incredibly aggressive and belligerent, ranging from emailing us to tell us he 'sees the children as his own' and that 'he will make decisions about them when they are at their house' to constantly calling and messaging the children when they are with us, threatening to come to our house to 'have things out with us' when we have asked the ex wife to abide by the court order and on two previous occasions attempting to start a fight with DP in the street (once outside family court).
Yesterday evening during drop off in the appointed neutral car park he exited his car and began shouting at DP (who had just got back in to our car with my children). He began approaching the vehicle so DP got out as did one on my children (they at first thought something was wrong with one of DP's kids who we had just dropped off). He began abusing DP and then one of my kids.
We could hear DP's kids crying from
His car as they were obviously frightened.

I had been buying milk in the local shop and came back to see this happening-I asked him to stop shouting in front of all the kids and then asked the ex wife to please stop him-which she refused to do. A passer by then tried to intervene telIing the boyfriend to calm down so I took the opportunity to usher DP and my child back in to our car and we drove away.

The whole thing was awful as we were all a bit shaken by it.

We obvs have pick ups and drop offs to contend with for the foreseeable and tbh I'm quite intimidated and worried about how these are now going to go.

What if anything can we do? Emergency court order to ask that he not be present at handovers? Is that even possible? And it will take months I assume as the family court is so back logged.

We can't have any of our children witnessing this sort of thing on a regular basis-DP's kids in particular are already so muddled and distressed due to their Mums portrayal of DP to them- and this kind of thing will just make it ten times worse.

Has anyone any experience of this?

The whole thing was awful. We have logged the incident with the police.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 05/09/2022 15:36

Sounds awful. Until you do get a court order, is it worth getting a body cam so it can be filmed? I presume they're legal in a public place, but if your aim is to stop these incidents from happening, you could tell him that that's what you'll be doing.

GlitteryGreen · 05/09/2022 15:42

Can the handover be moved to a school pick-up/drop off instead? So none of the parents need to see each other. One parents drops off to school in the morning, the other collects at the end of the day.

Or is there a friend/relative who might be willing to help out and do these drop offs?

warofthemonstertrucks · 05/09/2022 15:48

The weekday morning handovers are school drop offs ( requested by dp as he wants to be involved in their school life as much as possible) but because the ex wife elected to move an hour away to move in with her partner, court ordered she must meet us half way for any evening/ weekend ones as neither of us can get all the way to their schools in the afternoon in time due to work.
When they lived near where the old marital
Home was it was no issue as drop offs/pick ups were school based

OP posts:
warofthemonstertrucks · 05/09/2022 15:49

We don't have friends/relative that could help, due to the distance and time it takes.

OP posts:
warofthemonstertrucks · 05/09/2022 15:51

I've said to DP that we must going forwards record all the handovers on our phones at least, discreetly just in case. But that won't stop the partner actually becoming aggressive by which time the damage is done to the poor kids I guess.

OP posts:
whatstheteamarie · 05/09/2022 15:56

I definitely think filming the hand overs and making it clear that you will be doing so is a good thing. As well as informing them that future harassment will be dealt with via the police.

But mainly, what I as a parent would be worried about is my own child coming into contact with an aggressive man in a hostile situation such as this.

Obviously your DP and your DSC have to be there, but your DC shouldn't be witnessing such things. You know it's a volatile situation, it could very quickly escalate. Personally I would ensure my child is never at the handovers.

bumpytrumpy · 05/09/2022 15:59

I would not involve yourself or your children in the handovers. Stay away, this is for DP to deal with. It may calm the situation down a bit with fewer people there. A head cam / body cam is a good idea. Otherwise keep logging the incidents with the police, if he breaks a law (assault etc) then have him arrested.

warofthemonstertrucks · 05/09/2022 15:59

They aren't usually. But we had just returned from a long trip from the north to see my parents so handover was en route, the onward journey being a further 40 minutes or so to our house.

My children are a bit older anyway, and fairly robust-but yes as rule they are not in any way in contact with the ex wife or her partner.

OP posts:
warofthemonstertrucks · 05/09/2022 16:01

I will be doing the handovers once or twice a week due to work commitments (both mind and DP's). It's the only way we could make it work.

She has just now emailed DP to say she won't be allowing the kids to attend our wedding next year as it falls on her day with them. And so we go on....

OP posts:
weekendninja · 05/09/2022 16:05

How often do these change overs happen?

I'd stop your DC from being present for the time being.

I'd also request a change in the court order for drop offs so he isn't to be there.

I'd also call the police if he's being verbally aggressive.

Sounds awful OP.

lunar1 · 05/09/2022 16:05

Body camera for every handover, and call the police if this behaviour happens again.

warofthemonstertrucks · 05/09/2022 16:12

Do you think a change in the court order is possible then? Will they be that specific? I think it's the only way to stop it happening.

OP posts:
weekendninja · 05/09/2022 16:18

What does your DP do when the emails are sent/threats are made?

I wouldn't have ANY communication with him. Verbal or otherwise. He clearly wants a rise.

What does the SDC think of him? Is he a bully at home too?

Coffeesnob11 · 05/09/2022 16:22

Keep a diary of all the time she breaks the court order but put it in the what's best for the child thing with emotions. So partner of x started shouting at me and my child. The children were in the car and audibly distressed by the shouting.
I expect before your wedding you will be back in court. Ask the court for an exception. With the courts backlogged I would apply now. Sorry it sounds hellish. Can you try to ensure the handovers are where there is cctv?

Sellorkeep · 05/09/2022 16:26

There is no need to engage with this man - he is not a parent. Ignore ignore ignore and hopefully that will suck the oxygen out of the situation.
If the court order for 50/50 is recent then egos are bruised and that can cause unpleasant behaviour which will hopefully settle down. My partner’s ex was very erratic after a similar ruling but calmed down eventually.
Log everything. If it doesn’t improve then you may indeed need to go back to court. If filming is legal where you are then I would do that too.
A couple of years on my partner’s ex is still communicating like she is god’s gift to parenting but it’s all bluster - she’s realised another trip to court would go even worse for her. Hopefully things will get easier for you.

weekendninja · 05/09/2022 16:30

How about a dashcam? One that records sound?

warofthemonstertrucks · 05/09/2022 16:30

We don't respond to the emails except to say that as per court order any contact about the children should be between their two parents and via the parenting app as Per court order.

In person DP has to date just said 'I don't have anything to say to you, please stop shouting at me/In front of the kids' (to which he has been called a coward at top volume-It's very clear the boyfriend is trying to goad a fight of some kind-Just such odd behaviour).

The children say they like the boyfriend. But they are terrified of their mum in lots of ways-if we are stuck in traffic and going to be 5 minutes late they visibly panic. One of them was seen going through his phone after our recent family holiday deleting any pictures that show them having a nice time with us so his mum wouldn't see. DP suggested they all go and get their hair cut at the barbers one Saturday and the older one (10) burst into tears as it would 'make his mum so upset'. They are on their way to being very messed up kids and it's incredibly sad.

OP posts:
eighteenmonthstogo · 05/09/2022 16:31

First of all keep records of all threats and abuse verbal or physical. Keep ALL email/text communications. Do as pp says and record ALL future evidence of hostility.

This will be your evidence for a clear need to alter the child arrangements order..

Last but not least DO NOT LET HER KNOW WHEN YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED !! We had one of these extremely annoying ex situations and had to change the date twice. The only way we succeeded was not to tell the kids the actual day until they were with us. So they knew we were getting married , they had their wedding clothes etc at ours - we picked them up on a Friday night and told them to get ready in the morning.

Even then it was a bit fraught as eldest SDC had a phone and told mum.. and she literally left home and told us she had an emergency and had to go and look after an elderly relative so we couldn't drop the kids back. Luckily we had booked our honeymoon for the next week so instead of it being a nightmare is was fabulous as had all the kids with us for an extra 4 days !!

user3324644 · 05/09/2022 16:33

My DH has in his court order that no partners are present during handovers as the mum had a vile partner at the time.
Years on, we now don't have to stick to this but I never get out or involved during handover and neither does her boyfriend.

You would think these blokes would feel sorry for the DH's just trying to be good dad's but I suppose they hear all negatives from the mums.

warofthemonstertrucks · 05/09/2022 16:35

With hindsight this is what we should have done. We booked the wedding for a specific date as we have family overseas coming and it worked best for them, and my kids big exams etc etc. we thought we would give a years notice and be as reasonable as possible. But I guess you can't be reasonable with someone who is determined to be the opposite so that's the learning for us there.

OP posts:
loudlylikealion · 05/09/2022 16:38

Re. The wedding. I would tbh just let it go. If the kids bring it up say mum wouldn't swap weekends. They will understand they know what she's like. But also be prepared for her to drop in at the last minute that oh they can come, to try and stress you out.

As for the rest of it I wouldn't be doing pickups personally. You don't have to be subjected to that for his kids. Is there any sign of why the partner is so angry? That seems odd to me.

warofthemonstertrucks · 05/09/2022 16:39

We are recording everything (used to doing that as the ex wife has been troublesome for the last few years when she was trying to build a false narrative about DP so we are in the habit) just sad we have to.

Good to know that sort of addition might be possible for the court order. Thankyou

It's just so sad the whole thing. I don't have experience of this as my own divorce, whilst not fun, never became this and we never put the kids in the middle this way. I just don't understand what the point of it is-all the energy wasted on being horrible.

OP posts:
warofthemonstertrucks · 05/09/2022 16:43

Loudlylikealion

It would be awful for the kids not to be at the wedding all round I think. They would be very upset and so would we. That's going to need a court date I think unfortunately.

I assume he believes the narrative the ex wife has given. Even though he has seen the evidence that it was rubbish.

He was angry yesterday because the Children hasn't answered some of his messages and decided that DP must have blocked him from the phone, which he had not. The kids were just busy and don't have the phone with them all the time anyway.

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 05/09/2022 16:45

warofthemonstertrucks · 05/09/2022 16:01

I will be doing the handovers once or twice a week due to work commitments (both mind and DP's). It's the only way we could make it work.

She has just now emailed DP to say she won't be allowing the kids to attend our wedding next year as it falls on her day with them. And so we go on....

This is partly your FP's fault. With a hostile ex you always arrange special celebrations on the days you know you have the kids and if the kids aren't mature you don't inform the kids - so their mother - until the last minute.

Once they get to secondary age (or if they end up beng mature 10/11 year year olds,) they will either tell their mother they are going and she can't stop them OR they will say we won't tell mum and please don't tell her as it will cause us problems.

I've had the former this weekend and I know others who had the latter.

RedWingBoots · 05/09/2022 16:45

FP should be DP