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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Struggling with blending our families

31 replies

stucky · 04/09/2022 21:55

My DS and I live between my home and my partners. My son has ADHD and sensory processing disorder with a suspected learning difficulty. He is 12

My Partner has 2 DC, a girl of similar age to my DS and he has A DS who is autistic and is age 7.
My DB is an amazing partner and is great with my son but I struggle with the lack of routine at his house and feel my son suffers as a result of that. His children don’t have much structure at either his or his ex partners house. His DD regularly stays up till 4am and sleeps through the day at her mums and my partner refuses to give her a bedtime as he worries she’ll prefer to be with her mum. It’s much the same for his son. My DS really needs struck and consist sleep routines or he struggles and his behaviour becomes really challenging. Both my DS and I find the loud noises and early wake ups really disruptive but I’m unsure what to do. I tried to broach this tonight however he has said that he isn’t really open to compromise and will do what he feels is in his childrens best interests. We have quite different strategies to parenting and I feel that we should have a more united front with all of them however he won’t discuss this and feels I should just put my DS to bed earlier. When I’ve tried this it inevitably leads to resentment towards His DD and me. My DS feels alienated and like he’s missing out.
I do feel like I need to stay there less in order to ensure that my DS has his needs met but my partner says he doesn’t want this. I have voiced concerns about us living together when we can’t even compromise or discuss this issue without it becoming an argument. Am I being a total mare? For context he has a 50/50 spilt with his ex and he is a wonderful partner.

OP posts:

SudocremOnEverything · 04/09/2022 22:09

I think you have to prioritise your son here and not force him to live between the two houses. He needs stability and routine and quiet.

Your partner is not willing to compromise on how things are at his house. It doesn’t matter how lovely a partner he is. If he is taking a stand about his children’s best interests (as he defines them), he cannot complain that you are doing the same. I wouldn’t be making my DS stay in that house at all.

Does your DS stay at his dad’s house? Could you align weekends so that you and your partner stay together when you don’t have any children, but stay in your own homes when your children are there? Or, if your DS is with you all the time, your partner could stay at your house when he doesn’t have his children.

purpleme12 · 04/09/2022 22:13

This is just so wildly different.
I wouldn't like it either.
I don't think you could move in

Original poster

stucky · 04/09/2022 22:15

My DS has no contact with his father and views my DB as his Step dad. My partner can’t stay at my house as he has a dog that is aggressive towards other animals but great with the kids. His dog would attack my cat but can’t be left over night on it’s own. He used to only had his children alternate weekends and it wasn’t as much to an issue but my son has started puberty and he has his kids every Friday night and every other Saturday. I worry about how it will impact our relationship but I don’t see any other way of proceeding other than decreasing the time spent there.

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 04/09/2022 22:18

A 12 yr old son with ADHD, sensory processing disorder and possible learning difficulties is not a child you can leave to muddle on. If you don't put focus and work into finding him a satisfactory mode of living now, your life will only be harder later (and his too). Children like this grow into adults that need a lot of scaffolding in place to hold down jobs, attend uni, leave home etc. He may be living with you into his 30s or later.

So if your gut tells you this situation isn't good for him, then it isn't good for you either. However lovely your partner is, with children like you both have, you need to think longer term. Prioritise your sleep. You won't make good decisions without it.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 04/09/2022 22:18

He is a shit df op.
Walk away.

SudocremOnEverything · 04/09/2022 22:20

I don’t see how this can work. Your son needs routine. He will not give his children routine and he’d much rather upset and inconvenience your son.

He’s got a problem pet and a contact schedule that means he has his children every weekend. So he expects you to drag your son to stay at his because that’s what works for him.

It sounds like the most you can hope for in this relationship is a bit of dating.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2022 22:24

You can’t “blend” in this situation. Your son should be your priority and you can’t expect him to put up with the rampant chaos that goes on in your partner’s house. It would drive me batty and I’m not dealing with any of the additional needs your child has.

I get that you like having him as a boyfriend but the cost of anything more than that is far too high.

Tbh staying over a second time when you realised his parenting approach is not parenting at all was a bit irresponsible. Your son needs his sleep and thrives on routine. If you’re finding it hard he must be in hell.

He shouldn’t see your partner as his step dad. How’s that become a thing? He’s your boyfriend who you know you can never live with because of his awful dog, his unparented kids and his lack of sense and basic consideration.

You don’t have a future together beyond casual dating when your respective children are elsewhere without major damage to your son.

This man won’t ever manage a healthy committed relationship given his insane approach to life. You might but it won’t be with him.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 04/09/2022 22:27

You don’t have a future together beyond casual dating when your respective children are elsewhere without major damage to your son.

This man won’t ever manage a healthy committed relationship given his insane approach to life. You might but it won’t be with him.

Sums it up nicely.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2022 22:29

I struggle with the lack of routine at his house and feel my son suffers as a result of that.

That should be the end of story, obviously. Don't you agree? Blending families is not what's best for your child, therefore it can't happen.

lunar1 · 04/09/2022 22:36

He's doing what he thinks is best for his children, you really should do the same.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 04/09/2022 22:40

Sounds like you should that living at yours. It’s unlikely the shattered living will work for you and your son.

what’s wrong with continuing to live separately for a few more years.

RoutineLow · 04/09/2022 22:43

Well it's just not a go-er is it?

Surely there's no competition between your boyfriend and your son. It's your son every time, no? Your boyfriend is telling you that he will not start parenting his own children properly in order to create a safe and healthy home environment for your son (or even for his kids!). So in order for the relationship to work, it is necessary for your son to live in an environment that is harmful to him. Whether that's all the time because you live together, or just some of the time when you take him along on overnight visits.

You've made an error in allowing your son to consider this man a father figure when he can't (or won't) live up to that. It doesn't matter how fun he is or how nice you think he is. If the lifestyle he forces on your son causes your son to struggle on a fundamental level, he isn't a positive influence. Rather than plough forward with this, you need to be figuring out a way to get your son out of this setup in the least disruptive way possible. If you want to keep seeing this guy as a boyfriend and have overnights when your son isn't there that's one thing, but it's very clear that it's not healthy for your child to be living with this family.

loudlylikealion · 05/09/2022 06:22

I don't think it is bendable like you were hoping I'm afraid. Try just living apart but being together for a bit, see if that works better for your son?

loudlylikealion · 05/09/2022 06:24

stucky · 04/09/2022 22:15

Forget the dog and cat, the set up isn't right for your son. How long has it been that he now sees him as a stepdad? Can you see him less to try and put some space there for him?

Original poster

stucky · 05/09/2022 06:58

We have been together for over two years but it’s been part of our lives for over four, we started as friends and things developed from there. He was particularly supportive through the pandemic.
I can decrease the time spent there, so we can go when his children aren’t there or ho for the day and come home in the evening so he has his routine.
I do recognise that steps need to be taken to protect my son and his mental health. I just wanted to make sure that how I feel and what I plan to do isn’t unreasonable, essentially I’m seeking reassurance. I’m sure that seems ludicrous to some of you but this relationship is important to us to both and I don’t want to cause any unnecessary pain and suffering and I’d like to handle this as sensitively as possible.

OP posts:

loudlylikealion · 05/09/2022 07:02

I can decrease the time spent there, so we can go when his children aren’t there or ho for the day and come home in the evening so he has his routine. I don't think you necessarily have to go when his kids aren't there all the time but yes this sounds like a good plan to see if you can make it work that way. Good luck.

FrancescaContini · 05/09/2022 07:06

Put your kids first, FGS. “Blending” never works. Why would you want to bring other children’s issues into your own children’s lives?

The situation you describe sounds stressful. What’s the point? You can still have a relationship, but in your own time.

Exasperatednow · 05/09/2022 07:08

Decreasing the time you are there dounds like a plan.

What he does with his children is up to him but he's doing them no favours. You are and need to prioritise your son.

GreenGreenGrassBlue · 05/09/2022 07:11

Put your son first. This won’t blend.

He’s putting his kids first . He’s not your son’s step dad as he’s not prioritising your son. It’s his kids that need parenting. Echoing a PP who mentioned the structure your son needs being essential to his future outcome. What you’re doing now will derail all the hardwork you’ve put into your son.

RoutineLow · 05/09/2022 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit

MsSquiz · 05/09/2022 07:16

He has made his stance quite clear - he isn't open to compromise and will do what he feels is in his childrens best interests

This situation will not get better.

You need to do as he is doing and put your child's best interests first

SudocremOnEverything · 05/09/2022 07:26

I’m sure that seems ludicrous to some of you but this relationship is important to us to both and I don’t want to cause any unnecessary pain and suffering and I’d like to handle this as sensitively as possible

I wonder if it might help you to reflect a bit on the extent to which your partner is worrying about handling this sensitively or avoiding your DS’s pain and suffering. What is he doing to be considerate of your son’s needs? And your needs?

It looks very unequal from how you’ve described it here.

ahna68 · 05/09/2022 07:38

Sounds tough. Of course important to put DS first but OP’s happiness comes into that too as well as a separate issue (you can’t fill from an empty cup etc) and telling her to end the relationship doesn’t seem fair, surely. @RoutineLow what a horrible judgemental comment! I can imagine the pandemic accelerated things and means OP feels particularly closely attached to DP now.

it is surprising that DP doesn’t want more routine for his autistic DS, how does he DS get on with the chaos?

Perhaps there are SEN organisations who can lend advice too. Sadly, many relationships seem to break up off the stress of SEN parenting so I guess this is an experience many others have had.

Flatandhappy · 05/09/2022 07:41

Your DP has made it clear that his priority is his children, you need to do the same. If that means you don’t spend time there with your son unfortunately that is just how it goes. Please please don’t even contemplate moving in together. You say your partner doesn’t want you staying less but you also say he is not willing to compromise. He wants things on his terms, that should not be at the expense of your son’s needs and happiness.

EvieJeanBengal · 05/09/2022 08:59

Prioritise your son and do not move in with this man. He has already clearly said he won’t compromise and his lack of structure with his own kids is detrimental to your child’s health and development. He has said he won’t change his ways but wants you to move in. You have your answer and warning. Sorry but I couldn’t tolerate a man that won’t compromise on things

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