Page 2 | Struggling with blending our families

stucky · 2022-09-04T20:55:20+00:00

My DS and I live between my home and my partners. My son has ADHD and sensory processing disorder with a suspected learning difficulty. He is 12 My Partner has 2 DC, a girl of similar age to my DS and he has A DS who is autistic and is age 7. My DB is an amazing partner and is great with my son but I struggle with the lack of routine at his house and feel my son suffers as a result of that. His children don’t have much structure at either his or his ex partners house. His DD regularly stays up till 4am and sleeps through the day at her mums and my partner refuses to give her a bedtime as he worries she’ll prefer to be with her mum. It’s much the same for his son. My DS really needs struck and consist sleep routines or he struggles and his behaviour becomes really challenging. Both my DS and I find the loud noises and early wake ups really disruptive but I’m unsure what to do. I tried to broach this tonight however he has said that he isn’t really open to compromise and will do what he feels is in his childrens best interests. We have quite different strategies to parenting and I feel that we should have a more united front with all of them however he won’t discuss this and feels I should just put my DS to bed earlier. When I’ve tried this it inevitably leads to resentment towards His DD and me. My DS feels alienated and like he’s missing out. I do feel like I need to stay there less in order to ensure that my DS has his needs met but my partner says he doesn’t want this. I have voiced concerns about us living together when we can’t even compromise or discuss this issue without it becoming an argument. Am I being a total mare? For context he has a 50/50 spilt with his ex and he is a wonderful partner.

Ragwort · 05/09/2022 09:04

Of course you put your DS first, why are you so desperate to have a relationship with this man? He's clearly looking for a housekeeper and bed mate .... why are you scraping the barrel by wanting to push yourself and your DS into his life.

Original poster

stucky · 05/09/2022 13:36

ahna68 · 05/09/2022 07:38

Sounds tough. Of course important to put DS first but OP’s happiness comes into that too as well as a separate issue (you can’t fill from an empty cup etc) and telling her to end the relationship doesn’t seem fair, surely. @RoutineLow what a horrible judgemental comment! I can imagine the pandemic accelerated things and means OP feels particularly closely attached to DP now.

it is surprising that DP doesn’t want more routine for his autistic DS, how does he DS get on with the chaos?

Perhaps there are SEN organisations who can lend advice too. Sadly, many relationships seem to break up off the stress of SEN parenting so I guess this is an experience many others have had.

I’ve been surprise at how many assumptions have been made based on such limited information. He’s been great with my son, I have some health problems so he takes him climbing and to play basketball. He’s taught him how to do things like put up shelves and now the lawn, my son likes to do odd jobs to make money and my partner teaches him things that I don’t have any knowledge of. He also reads to him at night before bed when we stay, they have as I’ve said they have a good relationship. In lots if respects my partner treats my son in the same way he treats his own and is very generous with his time, opportunities and money.

In relation to his ASD son, I think DSS struggles with the lack of structure at home. This became apparent through the summer holidays, my partner also has ASD and sometimes think he struggles with the associated difficulties that both he and his son have. I think sometimes he’s does what he can to get through the day and keep everyone as happy as he can. DSS has just come out of nappies completely and has sensory issues that affect his diet and ability to interact with the world. I believe my partner also struggles with sensory issues but he’s undiagnosed. My partner is also highly anxious but very loving. He’s not in any way a terrible person, using me as house maid or having me over for pleasure.
He has in his own time traveled to see my elder grandmother carried out DIY for her and my father after he had a double by pass. He’s a lovely person, SEN children aren’t easy to raise.

OP posts:

RoutineLow · 05/09/2022 20:46

ahna68 · 05/09/2022 07:38

Sounds tough. Of course important to put DS first but OP’s happiness comes into that too as well as a separate issue (you can’t fill from an empty cup etc) and telling her to end the relationship doesn’t seem fair, surely. @RoutineLow what a horrible judgemental comment! I can imagine the pandemic accelerated things and means OP feels particularly closely attached to DP now.

it is surprising that DP doesn’t want more routine for his autistic DS, how does he DS get on with the chaos?

Perhaps there are SEN organisations who can lend advice too. Sadly, many relationships seem to break up off the stress of SEN parenting so I guess this is an experience many others have had.

I honestly couldn't care less if you think my comment was horrible. It was honest. Whatever OP's reason for "accelerating" this relationship as you put it, it's quite clearly not in her son's best interests. Telling parents to just do whatever makes them happy and sod their kids' wellbeing is not kind or whatever it is you think is the opposite of my "horrible" comment.

RoutineLow · 05/09/2022 20:51

stucky · 05/09/2022 13:36

I’ve been surprise at how many assumptions have been made based on such limited information. He’s been great with my son, I have some health problems so he takes him climbing and to play basketball. He’s taught him how to do things like put up shelves and now the lawn, my son likes to do odd jobs to make money and my partner teaches him things that I don’t have any knowledge of. He also reads to him at night before bed when we stay, they have as I’ve said they have a good relationship. In lots if respects my partner treats my son in the same way he treats his own and is very generous with his time, opportunities and money.

In relation to his ASD son, I think DSS struggles with the lack of structure at home. This became apparent through the summer holidays, my partner also has ASD and sometimes think he struggles with the associated difficulties that both he and his son have. I think sometimes he’s does what he can to get through the day and keep everyone as happy as he can. DSS has just come out of nappies completely and has sensory issues that affect his diet and ability to interact with the world. I believe my partner also struggles with sensory issues but he’s undiagnosed. My partner is also highly anxious but very loving. He’s not in any way a terrible person, using me as house maid or having me over for pleasure.
He has in his own time traveled to see my elder grandmother carried out DIY for her and my father after he had a double by pass. He’s a lovely person, SEN children aren’t easy to raise.

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Doing hobbies with him and spending money on him is meaningless if he is also unwilling to create a home environment that allows your child to function in a healthy way. Sleep is a basic need. Not being constantly overwhelmed and overtired is a basic need. He is unwilling/unable to provide a healthy environment for your child. What else is there to say really? You can hem and haw about the reasons for that but it doesn't change the reality. Your son is absolutely relying on you to put his wellbeing first.

bloodyunicorns · 05/09/2022 21:05

Your bf wants everything his way, doesn't he?? He's not prepared to listen or compromise at all. It's not working for you and ds, so listen to ds and do what's best for him: go home.

Your bf sounds like a shit dad. He should be imposing more of a routine on his Dc and not letting them stay up all night. How does that work with school?!

PrimarilyParented · 06/09/2022 21:30

I agree with everyone else, cut the overnight stays and prioritise your son and your self. Ultimately this will be better for everyone. Your partner can come to yours and then go home to his dog and prove he’s willing to do some of the legwork in terms of travelling to your home and putting himself out. Your son may regard him as a father figure but that doesn’t mean your son has to sleep in his home or that your son has to be the one visiting his home.