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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Feel like my SD hates me at times

33 replies

Jenni3057 · 04/09/2022 11:43

My SD is 13. At times she’s an angel and I feel we’re really bonding. At other times I feel like she hates me. I feel I do go above and beyond and in honesty and do more than my DH expects. For example making her lunch and dinner, doing her bedding tidying her room etc. However when it comes to her dad it’s almost like she’s extremely over protective of him. She will do things like stare if her dad dare gives me a cuddle or kisses me on the cheek. We went to an event where they asked all couples to dance. I was dancing with my DH and she was staring the whole time. I felt bad and told her to join us and then left her to just dance with her dad. Half way through the next song she then comes up to me and said ‘you can have him back now’ I just laughed this off but with the recent daggers wonder if there was more to the comment. Has anyone else had this issue and if so how did you resolve it? She has younger brothers who are amazing with me so not too sure if it’s the hormonal stage she’s going through right now. I love my DH dearly and I really care about my step children but finding this stage quite hard.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Doingprettywellthanks · 04/09/2022 11:48

How long have you known her

For example making her lunch and dinner, doing her bedding tidying her room

it sounds like you are potentially sucking up to her and it doesn’t seem genuine. Perhaps you need to play it cool a bit

Doingprettywellthanks · 04/09/2022 11:49

Do you have children?

Original poster

Jenni3057 · 04/09/2022 11:50

I’ve known her since February this year so I was wondering if that had anything to do with it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Jenni3057 · 04/09/2022 11:50

No children myself

OP posts:

Original poster

Jenni3057 · 04/09/2022 11:52

sorry I didn’t see the other part of your message. No I get that I probably do too much but my DH is really busy with work so I do these things to make life easier etc

OP posts:

excelledyourself · 04/09/2022 11:55

Are you actually married?

justusandmoo · 04/09/2022 11:56

Jenni3057 · 04/09/2022 11:50

I’ve known her since February this year so I was wondering if that had anything to do with it?

February this year? Are you married to her dad? Sorry am I getting confused? (Easily done on my part btw! Lol) xx

Tigerstripes1 · 04/09/2022 11:56

If you've only known her since February, you really shouldn't be doing 'mum' things for her. It should still be accompanying them to outings, the odd tea etc. Too much too soon so no wonder she is feeling possessive!

Original poster

Jenni3057 · 04/09/2022 11:59

Nope been together three years but took it slow meeting the kids just a lot easier using code xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Jenni3057 · 04/09/2022 12:00

I live with my other half so no other choice unfortunately we took it slow to begin with but I moved in last month

OP posts:

Doingprettywellthanks · 04/09/2022 12:04

Jenni3057 · 04/09/2022 11:50

I’ve known her since February this year so I was wondering if that had anything to do with it?

Er yes op

and you are married to her father?

Original poster

Jenni3057 · 04/09/2022 12:04

Nope been together three years but a lot easier to just use the codes rather

OP posts:

Doingprettywellthanks · 04/09/2022 12:05

Ok so together 3 years
but for some reason only met in Feb
and then hardly has she met you - suddenly you’ve moved in 5 months later. Virtually a stranger suddenly living in her home with her father.

OP this has been handled badly and this is the result

pinkyredrose · 04/09/2022 12:06

Jenni3057 · 04/09/2022 11:50

I’ve known her since February this year so I was wondering if that had anything to do with it?

Only February! Why are you so involved after such a short space of time?

Original poster

Jenni3057 · 04/09/2022 12:07

We done a lot of stuff inbetween meeting them and me moving in but thanks for your concerns. I will be taking a step back and see if that improves.

OP posts:

Doingprettywellthanks · 04/09/2022 12:08

Jenni3057 · 04/09/2022 12:07

We done a lot of stuff inbetween meeting them and me moving in but thanks for your concerns. I will be taking a step back and see if that improves.

5 months between meeting her father’s girlfriend to suddenly living with her.

unbelievable

Tomorrowisalatterday · 04/09/2022 12:11

It's really fast, OP, that is likely to be the main issue. Your DP was doing all of this before you came along so don't fall into the trap of taking on all the stuff he should be doing.

I also think teens are very protective of their personal space so I would tread carefully with tidying her room etc - I hated it when my own parents went through my belongings at that age, someone I only knew for a few months would have been awful

Andromachehadabadday · 04/09/2022 12:17

A lot of what you list is fairly normal teenage behaviour. My dd is 18. I was still with her dad when she was 13. Seeing me kiss and cuddle her dad would have had the same reaction.

But, I get you don’t want to hear this. You aren’t related to her. You are in her life, because her dad chose you. You took it slow for 2.5 years then went at lightening speed. It’s all new and she will be trying to deal with a new family set up, with someone she has known 7 months etc, seeing her dad with someone, plus be hormonal.

I don’t think making her lunch is ‘going above’ if dp refuses to cook for my kids I would think he was a dick tbh. Surely, whoever is making the meal cooks for all the kids. But you shouldn’t be doing her room. That may feel like over stepping and invading her privacy. And she needs some responsibility herself.

At 13 I would have been cooking with my kids, some of the time. Involving them and teaching them. Try and spend time getting to know her. It’s early days. Blending families is never going to be easy, so just take it slowly.

justusandmoo · 04/09/2022 12:19

Eek! OP that's way way WAY too quick! My daughter is 13 and has a step mum who now lives with her and my ExH. They built it up over months of them meeting, her being there the odd night etc. You can't meet her one minute and the move into the house the next 🙈.

I'm honestly not trying to have a go as I'm in the same boat and have two step daughters myself and it's not easy. You need to stop trying to play mum immediately.

BigYellowElephant · 04/09/2022 12:21

Why did you start off taking it extra slow then suddenly jump to living together?? With my ex we met each others kids after 6 months but didn't move in together for another 2 years after that, I cant help but feel you've done it a bit backwards. If I moved in a man she'd only known 6 months my 13 year old would absolutely hate us both and I wouldn't blame her. It's a very sensitive age, must be awful for her

Toit · 04/09/2022 12:25

Be honest, are you angling to be told she’s a jumped up princess who is jealous of you and possessive of her father? Why else talk of thinking she’s being pointed when saying “you can have him back now” and mentioning her brothers.

As everyone else said, you moved way to fast between meeting and moving in. Of course the girl is still wary of you. She’s right to be. Not personal, you’re just now someone she doesn’t really know very well who’s become a major part of her life and is at times probably overstepping boundaries.

dressupinyou · 04/09/2022 12:39

Ok, so you both actually started off really well by taking time to get to know each other before meeting the kids.

But then you go from meeting to living together within months and that's too quick. You have to do things in a reasonable timescale for the kids and not too.

Maybe she does dislike you and that's ok. She didn't choose you, she has no voice in who she has to share her home and her life with. Probably though, she just needs time and reassurance from her dad.

You need to back off a bit, let the kids get to know you. It probably wouldn't be any benefit to move out now, the damage is done but you can try and repair it a bit.

If you are considering marriage and/or children, please wait a bit. Kids need time to adjust to change.

I know you said you used abbreviations for ease but I find it really weird you were describing your partner as your husband and her has your stepdaughter. It gave a completely inaccurate impression in your OP.

It reads like you've patiently (or not) waited to start your life together and now you're trying to rush ahead and it won't work.

Qwertyyui · 04/09/2022 12:48

There are days I think my DD hates me too and she is 13. I think it is just an age thing if I am honest. Some days I walk into her room and I swear if looks could kill I would be dead a million times over.

Ignore people saying its too soon to move in too. My DH moved in pretty much straight away from meeting. We have been together 4 years and my DD gets on well with him as does my Ex DH. You know what works for you.

Pebbledashery · 04/09/2022 22:27

Yep another one who will say you moved in way too fast and assumed the third parent role!

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2022 22:31

Stop doing parent stuff for her. Why did you ever start?! She’s 13, her room is private and she can do her bedding herself or her dad can sort it. They must have managed before you moved in?

Likewise lunches.

It’s a really tricky age, I have a SD the same age and I’ve known her more than half her life, but you’re not helping yourself by trying to mum her like you are. Back off, let her parents do the parenting stuff, especially the crap stuff like cleaning and meals.

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