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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I love my boyfriend but struggle with his kids

42 replies

LAR1989 · 25/08/2022 12:27

I am looking for some advice and to find out if what I am feeling is normal? I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. The first 5 years we have been living 50/50 with each other due to him having 2 children (now 14 and 9) and has only been able to move out of his marital home where they were separated for a long time, but not able to sell the property and buy their own places. We now live together full time and he has the boys 50% of the time. I love him more than anything he is the most kind, considerate genuine person I have ever met, but the only thing we seem to argue about is the children. They are also lovely kids but I can't seem to relax when they are here. I don't have children of my own nor do I plan to. I like children but it's just not who I am as a person it's never been a burning desire and I like the life I have now. When they are here I really try, I try to enjoy myself, I cook for them and we play games together as a family, I also look after them when my boyfriend goes away with work - but everything I do seems forced. I then count down the days until they go back to their mums. Why am I feeling like this? My boyfriend really wants us to be a family, and the children really like me and consider me part of the family, so why am I feeling like this? Even when I love my boyfriend this much, is it enough to cope with these feelings? I would really like to get passed it and let them into my life but I have tried for so long and nothing is changing.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 25/08/2022 12:46

You don’t have to love them (although you might as they get older and interact with you as adults) . You are doing fine, making effort and interacting. You can’t force feelings, only behaviour so be kind to yourself. That said if you really can’t get over it, and don’t want to be a step parent you know that there is only the choice to split as he will need to put his kids first.

BattenburgDonkey · 25/08/2022 12:48

It sounds like you are doing things right, why do you argue? I don’t think you need to love them and be a ‘family’, you aren’t their mum, they have a mum.

Laladream · 25/08/2022 13:09

Don't fall into the trap OP of feeling like you need to be mum when they are at yours. Why is he working away whilst you're at home with them for example? I'm assuming he couldn't do this before he met you?

It's such a common theme, boyfriend manages fine until new girlfriend comes along and then he dumps everything onto her.

You can be a friendly adult and nothing more if that's what you're most comfortable with. You don't have to love them or act like they are your kids. They have a mother and father.

Laladream · 25/08/2022 13:10

Don't fall into the trap OP of feeling like you need to be mum when they are at yours. Why is he working away whilst you're at home with them for example? I'm assuming he couldn't do this before he met you?

It's such a common theme, boyfriend manages fine until new girlfriend comes along and then he dumps everything onto her.

You can be a friendly adult and nothing more if that's what you're most comfortable with. You don't have to love them or act like they are your kids. They have a mother and father.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 25/08/2022 13:10

When your boyfriend says he really wants you to be a family what he actually means is "I really want you to slot into the same nuclear family wife-shaped space that my ex vacated instead of treating you/us as the different relationship dynamic that it is."

What is he offering you in return for looking after his kids when he goes away with work other than "but faaaaamily"? It might seem a tad cold and transactional to assess your relationship in those terms but if things are so heavily weighted in favour of only one half of the couple then the other half needs to be bringing something else to the table to balance things out. It's not like supporting a spouse through an unexpected illness or event - the whole set-up is inherently one that benefits one party way more than the other.

TeeBee · 25/08/2022 13:17

Perfectly normal I think. I feel similar to you about my OH's child. Really lovely kid, very funny and well behaved. Really enjoy his company but I don't want to cram them both into my/my children's home when it's utterly unnecessary. I don't feel I can relax when his child is here as I consider him a guest. I enjoy my life and the dynamic in hime as it is. I'm not going to change that just so I can have my OH living under my roof.

Fifife · 25/08/2022 13:17

Why are you taking care of the kids whilst he works away? Is it so he can pay less/no maintenance? Does their mother know is she happy with that?

chillipenguin · 25/08/2022 13:18

Stop trying to force it. It helps no end when you can be your true authentic self.

chillipenguin · 25/08/2022 13:18

I also look after them when my boyfriend goes away with work stop doing this. He shouldn't have agreed to 50/50 if he cant manage it himself

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/08/2022 13:22

You shouldn’t be having them on your own unless you enthusiastically volunteer to do so. You’re feeling taken for granted by being his default childcare. He can’t work when he’s got them unless he’s got willing free or paid childcare. Do they want to be with you rather than their mum or dad?

Tbh step parenting isn’t for everyone. If you’re not that into kids it’s going to be incredibly tough. A partner who uses you for childcare is going to make things intolerable. And love often isn’t enough to sustain a relationship if the obstacles are too great. It’s perfectly fine and healthy to admit that.

Be your own priority and have the life you really want. No one else will do it for you.

How old are they?

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2022 13:40

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 25/08/2022 13:10

When your boyfriend says he really wants you to be a family what he actually means is "I really want you to slot into the same nuclear family wife-shaped space that my ex vacated instead of treating you/us as the different relationship dynamic that it is."

What is he offering you in return for looking after his kids when he goes away with work other than "but faaaaamily"? It might seem a tad cold and transactional to assess your relationship in those terms but if things are so heavily weighted in favour of only one half of the couple then the other half needs to be bringing something else to the table to balance things out. It's not like supporting a spouse through an unexpected illness or event - the whole set-up is inherently one that benefits one party way more than the other.

This.

Drinkingpop · 25/08/2022 13:49

This isn't suiting you at all. You are looking after children (and doing a great job by the sounds of it) when this isn't what you want. Can only think really to tell DP you will not pick up any childcare - it's the responsibility of him and the DC's parents. Or have your own place again and continue seeing him. I can imagine that he would be gutted to lose the free, reliable childcare you're offering

theemmadilemma · 25/08/2022 13:57

I'd walk OP.

I'm not maternal, never really was. But nearly fell in the trap of 'it's what you do, get married, have babies'.

The man I married had a child. I knew that, I took it on, fair do's. But over time it did show me that actually I didn't enjoy children. I enjoyed my relationship with exh at that time, but not the parts where the child was involved, despite my best efforts.

It didn't change, it didn't get better. In fact it just got worse and I felt more unfair resentment. Had things not been taken out of my hands in a different direction, I don't think the marriage would have survived regardless. Children are for life, not just childhood. They don't disappear at 16. There's no long end game here. Either accept that being involved, even superficially, is part of your relationship, or move on.

WillPowerLite · 25/08/2022 13:58

Well, you feel like that because you never wanted children, and now you live with children. It's understandable.

Why are you living with your dp? How was that decision made?

Lilithslove · 25/08/2022 14:16

OP, I have never looked after DSCs alone for a long period of time. In fact, aside from DP popping to the shops I have only had them once when their mum's brother was in a serious car accident and DP was away with work so I went to their house so their mum could be with her brother. I also regularly make plans with my friends when they are here - I don't avoid spending time with them I just don't prioritise it in the same way their dad does. This means that they get time on their own with their dad and I don't feel like I am living with all the restrictions of having a child.

You don't need to be a mother figure in their life. You can have a good relationship with your DSC without being default childcare. I think you would feel a lot happier if you take on more of a kind aunt role and stopped looking after them on your own.

Original poster
LAR1989 · 25/08/2022 14:30

Thank you for your message.
I think I have allowed myself to be more involved with them than what makes me happy. Perhaps if I take a step back and try to make more plans to do things I enjoy when they are here things will be easier.

OP posts:
Original poster
LAR1989 · 25/08/2022 14:32

Well our long time goal was to always live together. I am financially stable on my own and have a property I can go to stay at but I feel that DP gets hurt if I do and that our relationship won't move forward if I keep running back to my other place when things get too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
LAR1989 · 25/08/2022 14:35

theemmadilemma · 25/08/2022 13:57

I'd walk OP.

I'm not maternal, never really was. But nearly fell in the trap of 'it's what you do, get married, have babies'.

The man I married had a child. I knew that, I took it on, fair do's. But over time it did show me that actually I didn't enjoy children. I enjoyed my relationship with exh at that time, but not the parts where the child was involved, despite my best efforts.

It didn't change, it didn't get better. In fact it just got worse and I felt more unfair resentment. Had things not been taken out of my hands in a different direction, I don't think the marriage would have survived regardless. Children are for life, not just childhood. They don't disappear at 16. There's no long end game here. Either accept that being involved, even superficially, is part of your relationship, or move on.

Thank you - a lot to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
LAR1989 · 25/08/2022 14:38

Drinkingpop · 25/08/2022 13:49

This isn't suiting you at all. You are looking after children (and doing a great job by the sounds of it) when this isn't what you want. Can only think really to tell DP you will not pick up any childcare - it's the responsibility of him and the DC's parents. Or have your own place again and continue seeing him. I can imagine that he would be gutted to lose the free, reliable childcare you're offering

I do have my own place, but I know DP feels hurt if I go and stay there for a few days. I have spoken to him about how I feel and in some ways he does understand that it is very different for him living with the kids he loves and I just feel like an outsider and feel like I can't really be myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
LAR1989 · 25/08/2022 14:43

Fifife · 25/08/2022 13:17

Why are you taking care of the kids whilst he works away? Is it so he can pay less/no maintenance? Does their mother know is she happy with that?

The mother does not mind. They both go away with work nd both ship the children to DP's grandparents when they are away with work. (The ex also uses DP grandparents as she doesn't speak to her family). I agree to have them sometimes because I feel like it is a too bigger strain on the grand mother.

OP posts:
WillPowerLite · 25/08/2022 14:53

At the moment, your feelings come dead last. DP will feel hurt; you think the childcare is too much for the grandparents.

What do YOU think about moving home and getting together with him part of the week? And staying well out of childcare?

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 25/08/2022 15:01

Women are fed this bullshit narrative that unless we don't automatically love and/or want to act like a mother to children we're not biologically related to (adoption aside where the children become yours both morally and legally), then we must be in some way defective. That's not to say a loving relationship can't develop but it's misogynistic crap to act all hurt if it doesn't. You've already kept separate homes for 5 years, it's not like this DC are suddenly expecting you to be mummy no.2. Don't let him guilt trip you. This is HIS to own.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 25/08/2022 15:02

*if we don't automatically love, not unless

Drinkingpop · 25/08/2022 16:06

DP's parents! Is there anyone's needs you won't put above your own? You're not there to skivvy. Him 'being hurt' when you head home for a bit is manipulative.

converseandjeans · 25/08/2022 16:17

He finds it easier I imagine having you there. It seems men who have children quickly find someone to help out so they don't have to be a single Dad.

I would start planning your own activities when they're visiting. I think you sound really kind & accommodating.