I love my boyfriend but struggle with his kids

[LAR1989]

I am looking for some advice and to find out if what I am feeling is normal? I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. The first 5 years we have been living 50/50 with each other due to him having 2 children (now 14 and 9) and has only been able to move out of his marital home where they were separated for a long time, but not able to sell the property and buy their own places. We now live together full time and he has the boys 50% of the time. I love him more than anything he is the most kind, considerate genuine person I have ever met, but the only thing we seem to argue about is the children. They are also lovely kids but I can't seem to relax when they are here. I don't have children of my own nor do I plan to. I like children but it's just not who I am as a person it's never been a burning desire and I like the life I have now. When they are here I really try, I try to enjoy myself, I cook for them and we play games together as a family, I also look after them when my boyfriend goes away with work - but everything I do seems forced. I then count down the days until they go back to their mums. Why am I feeling like this? My boyfriend really wants us to be a family, and the children really like me and consider me part of the family, so why am I feeling like this? Even when I love my boyfriend this much, is it enough to cope with these feelings? I would really like to get passed it and let them into my life but I have tried for so long and nothing is changing.

Step parenting is really hard. It has taken me a very long time to deal with my feelings about it which, in all honesty, came as a bit of a shock. I thought I'd be a natural but came to realise I didn't enjoy it all that much. People are quick to say "you knew he had kids" and yes, you did. What you didn't know is how much that would affect your life and what the reality of being with a man with children would be like. No reflection on the children at all but it is stressful, it does cause resentment, it does make you feel like an outsider in your own home, it's tough. You're not on your own feeling all this and it's a big sacrifice that only people in the same boat would understand. I know that the good far outweighs the bad in my relationship so it's a good enough reason to stay. The best advice I can give you is to detach emotionally as much as possible from the negative feelings and just try to let it all wash over you. It keeps me sane :)

So he's putting his feelings above yours and you're putting his feelings above yours.

This way resentment lies, OP.

You sound lovely and kind. That doesn't mean you have to put everyone before yourself

9 and 14 aren't great ages for other people kids. You might find yourself enjoying their company a little more when they are older.

It’s not your job to be a nanny for those children, it’s the fathers job. He should stay at home taking care of them and not you. Very unfair on his part to have you as a free nanny.

I honestly think one of the reasons I didn't end up having a loving relationship with my DSCs is precisely because I was way too quick to offer childcare, financial support and emotional support to them without establishing my own relationships and crucial boundaries. After a few years I realised I was always putting myself last. My entire mindset was about what was best for THEIR family. It was then really hard to build something healthy together, especially once I had my own children. I would really take a step back and make no commitments to act kind of parental or savior role.

This! Very good advice.

I’d be moving back into my own home so I have my own space. This situation is obviously very stressful for you. You said yourself it’s making you very uncomfortable. It’s not something you can force or fake it til you make it. Maybe being a step parent just isn’t for you. You shouldn’t be the unpaid babysitter either. Frankly that’s really cheeky of him and his ex to expect that you will do that. Who’s telling you it’s too much for the grand parents? Him? Me thinks you need space to have a good long hard think about what YOU want.

My boyfriend did this. Arranged for his child to move in 50 50 without my consent.
Both work and both pay half of evrything. Difference is he did not have the time to be upholding the full responsibility.
Expected me to be doing evrything for his child and to take on whqt he should be doing.
Yes i do have a child also and have never asked him to do any thing and i already do all the housework cooking etc. I was just expected to take this extra responsibility on also because his ex couldn't commit to her responsibility fully either.
The arrangement would have meant all my daughters hobbies cancelled or rearranged, my free time taken over whilst he decided he was chasing a goal of weekend work etc.... I said its fine but ypu will have to find childcare like everyone else for when yourenot home.

It was just assumed by him and his ex that i would have all my time taken over and become free childcare, cook etc. I dont mind reasonable step parent duties but like you didnt agree to my life being decided by someone else.

Bottom line is there are SO many people around who seem to think other people should be shouldering their responsibility
Put your foot down and say they have to go back to their mother when hes not there.

There are two very rude and unacceptable issues here... One is that your partner just expects you to do it... And no consideration for your time. He seems to think he is entitled to hijack your time.

Other peoples children really are not your responsibility unless your married. Seems to be very common nowadays that people want to be dumping their responsibility onto other people.

If you have children live with you its very simple... Your schedume has to revolve around whether you can care for thzm. It woild be a good idea for him and his ex tp reconsider the arrangement as working away means hes unable to care for them. Perhaps reconsider when hes commited to marriage and security

I think you are doing very well for someone who arrived at living with children unintentionally. As others have said this is a life changing path - for the rest of your life those children will be prioritised over everything and possibly their offspring!

The niggle in my mind is - is your DP unconsciously lining you up to step up when grandparents can't? The dynamic of both him and the children's mother relying on one person/two people is dicey and I would be asking yourself if you are happy to slot into that role.

There is no reason why you can't have this relationship with perhaps a few more boundaries in place for your own sake.

Absolutely spot on!
I think its fine to have rhe children when their father is there but it is absolutely not okay for rhe children's actual parents to just assign childcare to dads partner and Assume shes their personal childcare service.
Really unacceptable to just dump your kids on other people and hijack someone elses time with your responsibility isnt it!

Why are you feeling like this? Because they're not your children.

You don't have to love them but you do have to put up with them graciously.

Personally I'd never move in with a guy with kids of contact age. Women seem to get left with the all the childcare but none of the respect. You've decided to set up home with a man that has 50% contact but leaves them with you while he works away. I wouldn't agree to that. You have. It's unsurprisingly, shit.

Absolutemy agree.
Find it shocking and unbelievably unacceptable to expect other people to shoulder responsibility for kids that aren't theirs.
They have a mother and father. If neither parent can provide adequate care then they need to pay for nanny's and childcare to cover it.
Honestly i find it totally unacceptable tl be expecting free childcare from a girlfriend or boyfriend. Its so rude thinking you can just hijack someone elses time.
Ive a daughter qnd cannot imagine just expecting other people to take care of her and waltzing off. Its nuts!

Seems tobe so many people who can't be arsed to take care of their own kids!!

I would definitely move out in that situation. I wouldn't want to live with someone else's children, especially if both parents buggered off and left me with them.

I think this is great advice

OP - Firstly,

YES YOU ARE NORMAL!

Just because you love your partner, you don't have to love his kids. You also don't have to be their childcare.

From your posts it does soundalike you have some great foundations but I think you need a conversation with your partner around what you both want your "role" to be and what you want your family/household to look like.

There is no one roadmap for being a stepmum so it's important that you and your partner get on the same page with expectations. It's absolutely FINE to say you want to do things without the children and great for him to have quality time with them, I believe this will only serve to strengthen you as a family over time.

Before doing this it's worth thinking about whether you do see kids in your future in some way though and if the answer is a definite no, then it's time to walk. They come with lots of sacrifices and step-parenting isn't for everyone... and that is also ok!

Good Luck and stop beating yourself up! 💐

Sounds to me like you have a mental picture of how it 'should be'. Real life never actually matches up.

You sound genuine and so does your family. Personally i would try to take the expectation out of things and you might just find the love develops. Dont try to be something you are not.

I think if you are definitely keen to make the relationship work, you need to go back to the drawing board and work out what needs to change, maybe have some relationship counselling alone - helped me in the past? (You sound really effortful by the way - too effortful maybe!).

for instance, in my DSis‘s family, my BIL is the step dad. But he‘s the one who goes on (very glam in his case) overseas travel for work, not my sis. This is fair and gives him a benefit! He gets to enjoy being a stepdad (which he does, and he is a lovely kind man) while getting to travel to an extent that would be pretty annoying for my DSis if he was a parent - in other words, it gives him something another family set up would not. Fair play. Where’s your version of fair play? You need to find it, and if you can‘t, find a partner who can offer it.