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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step daughter is jealous

30 replies

Potag · 23/08/2022 12:54

Not sure how to handle this, but while on holiday last week, after some poor behaviour, DSD (13) came out and admitted that she is jealous of her half brother (2).

She sees her dad most weekends, but (I've never said this to her), he is a typical Disney dad. He pays no interest in her during the week, pays no maintenance as he doesn't work, but come birthday's and christmas, no expense is spared.

Basically, DSD is jealous of the relationship I have with my DS. Her dad left when she was a few months old, so she never had the experiences that her brother is having at such a young age.

I do everything I can for her, but ultimately I'm not her dad, and I'm not trying to be.

It seems that the only thing that would make her feel better, is if I had less of a relationship with DS, which is not going to happen.

Anyone have any suggestions?

OP posts:
Stupidlydupidly · 23/08/2022 13:05

Honestly I think the best thing you can do is to encourage open communication.

You can't change her experience with her dad. It's not you that is the problem, but rather that your relationship with your DS reminds her of the issues she has with her own dad. But the fact she has admitted she feels jealous is good, as she has spoken about her feelings.

I would encourage generally being open and supportive, so she can talk about difficult feelings, rather than acting out.

I wouldn't worry about needing to change anything else, as it sounds like this is much more to do with her sad feelings about her own father. So all you can do is be a caring/supportive adult really!

fastandthecurious1 · 23/08/2022 13:10

I think the only solution here is to have strong words with your DH to step but and be a better dad to her, may he reach out in the week and have more input generally.

It's lovely your trying but you're right ultimately it's not you she's missing it's her parent and she sees want she wants to have in you and your child. Really sad isn't it but of course you're relationship will in no way change with your child. If your DH doesn't step soon asap then you'll find she will disappear most likely when old enough :(

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 13:15

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AnneLovesGilbert · 23/08/2022 13:16

What’s her relationship like with her mum? She presumably did/does for DSD what you do for DS.

It’s not your job to compensate for her dad. If he hasn’t bothered for 13 years he’s not going to step up now. But tell him she’s unhappy, then he knows and can’t pretend his lack of care has no impact on her.

Sanfranfine · 23/08/2022 13:19

i read this as written by a stepdad, some posters didn’t seem to have made assumption it’s a stepmother. A key line is “I’m not her dad, and I’m not trying to be”

Beetlewings · 23/08/2022 13:24

Sanfranfine · 23/08/2022 13:19

i read this as written by a stepdad, some posters didn’t seem to have made assumption it’s a stepmother. A key line is “I’m not her dad, and I’m not trying to be”

Same. The answers confused me.

Andromachehadabadday · 23/08/2022 13:30

It’s not your job to be her dad, that’s true.

a little confused about who you are, but if you are the mothers partner and the child lives with you most of the time I would be inclined to try and make the relationship between me and my step child a more solid relationship.

Spending less time with your ds, I assume would involve her not being at her mothers as much. That’s not realistic is it?

Sanfranfine · 23/08/2022 13:40

It’s not about your son, she’s 13 and starting to realise the truth that parents are fallible. She doesn’t live with her father and she probably has felt these emotions to a lesser extent seeing friends who live with their dads, but it is possibly stronger now with her brother at home. All you and her mum can do is listen and try to help her understand that jealousy is a human feeling but “comparison is the thief of joy” so instead it’s healthier to not compare to the baby brother. She is loved at home, and I expect she’s probably adored by her little brother. Sometimes trying to get teenagers to see outside of their bubble is difficult, however I think it’s vital to ask her to see things from other viewpoints and also to express gratitude for what they do have.

Good luck, it’s not easy dealing with sibling jealousy, whether it’s a blended family or not.

Herejustforthisone · 23/08/2022 14:27

I’m muddled @Potag. Are you a man in a relationship with the SD mother, or are you a woman who’s had a baby with the SD father?

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 14:35

I am assuming you are a stepfather but forgive me if I have that wrong. If it comes up again I would say "but I am your stepfather and that is special in itself as I have chosen to be in your life" or similar. Don't change anything else though. Tough as it is on her your son has every right to have you fully in parent mode around him.

Original poster
Potag · 23/08/2022 14:41

Thanks for the quick responses. Just to clarify I'm stepdad to DSD, and Dad to DS. DW (DSD and DS mother) and I have been together 6 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Potag · 23/08/2022 14:44

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/08/2022 13:16

What’s her relationship like with her mum? She presumably did/does for DSD what you do for DS.

It’s not your job to compensate for her dad. If he hasn’t bothered for 13 years he’s not going to step up now. But tell him she’s unhappy, then he knows and can’t pretend his lack of care has no impact on her.

Their relationship is great, but as you could probably understand, her time is split between both DSD and DS, so I think DSD sees that DS is getting double the attention, especially with the age difference (DS needing more personal care)

OP posts:
MeridianB · 23/08/2022 14:51

It's really great that she opened up to you. I would definitely keep this line of communication open.

Could her mum reassure her? Go through some of her baby photos with her and talk about some of her experiences as a first time mum and the fun things they did when she was a toddler?

Does her Dad spend quality time with her at the weekends?

Bananarama21 · 23/08/2022 14:52

13 years old is a difficult age I have a 14 year old. Although he is male and is very close to dh they regularly play the xbox together or footie. Is there an activity you can do with her to make her more involved. Or does mum take out for girlie days out?

Thingstodotoday · 23/08/2022 15:06

“SlappersAndFuiters · Today 13:15
Why did you procreate with such a shit father?”
@SlappersAndFuiters how could the father of the OP’s stepchild possibly be the person that the OP procreated with? You’ve let all logic fly out of the window in your haste to get a dig in 🙄.

expandabandband · 23/08/2022 15:10

As someone who was a rather unhappy step-child I think that it might be a good idea to get her some counselling. Not because I think she's at risk of falling apart, but at this age it can be very empowering to have an independent adult just validate your feelings and acknowledge them, and that might help her to deal with them, which is better for everyone. And so much easier to deal with it now, when it's happening.

joan12 · 23/08/2022 15:13

I think it's great she opened up to you. I'd just carry on as you are, as you are clearly someone she trusts, and she can see the difference between you and her dad. Emphasize that she is special to you, and find some ways to show her she is special too, as you are probably already doing. All siblings feels some rivalry/sense of exclusion at times and need a bit more attention; it shouldn't mean less for your ds.

stopitstopitnow · 23/08/2022 15:27

It's great that she feels comfortable enough around you to voice her feelings. Do you share some interests with her? maybe once a month (or more if it's something you think you might be able to do), do something just with her, not in a fatherly role but more of an "uncle" type thing. Bowling, cinema something that reiterates that she is an important person to you. Just a thought.

deedledeedledum · 23/08/2022 15:28

@fastandthecurious1 @SlappersAndFuiters your anti man bias is well and truly revealed here. You've spectacularly misreads the entire post

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/08/2022 15:38

I’m presuming you are her step dad?

It says a lot about your relationship that she can express she’s jealous rather than act out.

Talk to her mum about this. Of course you can’t change your relationship with your son, but how can you as a couple make your step daughter feel important. It might be a bit of time with you both separately on her own, and also a bit of responsibility looking after her brother so she builds a relationship with him.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/08/2022 15:40

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@SlappersAndFuiters

a) how is a comment like that helpful and b) he is the step father, you idiot

RedWingBoots · 23/08/2022 15:45

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oh dear - so quick to want to put the boot in on the step-parents forum.

AldiLidlDeeDee · 23/08/2022 15:47

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Your replies to threads always follow a similar trajectory and you appear to have reading comprehension issues too.

OP is quite clearly the StepDAD.

Perhaps you need to step away from the keyboard for a bit and point your vitriol in another direction for a change? 😂

Daaaaa · 23/08/2022 15:55

NJll g

Lilithslove · 23/08/2022 15:57

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How embarrassing for you @SlappersAndFuiters

OP, this isn't your problem to solve or anything you can solve.

All you can do is be kind to your step daughter and support her in talking about her feelings. You can't make her dad step up.